Girl woes

Hallo to all. I am a 21 year old male student, and I have a ‘girl problem’. First, I must state that I am not looking for marriage, although I believe that the best spouse is someone who is likewise your best friend (co-conspirator so to speak ;)). Yes, I am quite young and do not have a steady income. In short, I am looking for a young woman who would be a closer- than-best friend, who I could eventually marry when the time is right.

First, let me tell you the the problems surrounding my search.
I have never been in a romantic relationship, although this did not bother me for some time, especially since I ‘knew’ that I would meet a young woman who, quoting St John Zlatoust, would be ‘of the same mind’. However, as it is quite evident, I neglected to gain any experience when dealing ‘intimately’ with the opposite sex in the past 21 years (attending an all-male high school during my adolescence did not help). Furthermore, in my adolescence, I was convinced that I should become a priest. Long deliberation, prayer, guidance, and general vocational examination indicated a vocation other than priesthood. Frankly, even during my ‘priestly’ phase, I felt much more at peace when considering myself as a ‘family man’). However, to summarise, the ‘environmental’ odds are against me.

Now for my problems (the good part).
What qualities do I look for?
As I have mentioned I desire a young woman of the same mind. For me this is the most important aspect of the future marriage (less tension and children are raised similarly by both parents). I am not fixated on looks. My standards are that she be no more and no less physically attractive than myself.
Now, what are the qualities of the aforementioned marital ‘hive-mind’?
First, as my information indicates, I am a Roman Catholic. Naturally, she would also need to be Roman Catholic. Normally the problem would end here. However, that is only half of my background. I am the American-born son of Polish immigrants with the remainder of my family overseas. I travelled extensively (annually if not more frequently) to Poland since I was a few months old. At home I was raised bilingually. But perhaps more importantly, the Poland I experienced in my childhood induced certain tastes, inclinations etc. toward the ‘communist’ landscape and to the Slavic world. Most importantly, it is my fatherland. Likewise, in light of the erosion of the familiar landscape after 2004 (EU membership, for better or worse), I became something of a political and social reactionist (please don’t question, this is merely a self-description). As for any spouse, etc., I would want for her to share the same sentiment so as to have ‘emotional’ companionship, but also for my children to have the same experiences as I had during my wonderful childhood.

Enough of my spiel. Now for the question aimed the good posters.
With all of this information in mind, where must I search for this like-minded young woman? I am not the most social of animals, but I am hardly a shut-in. However, in light of the unusual characteristics that I have described, where does one even begin to look? I am not desperate for a relationship, however, I simply do not know where to even begin looking. Furthermore, after university, I will be quite busy (hopefully) to really engage myself in the ‘chase’. Oh, and one last thing. Youth in Poland still marry (and largely stay married) at younger ages than American youth (think mid-to late 20s).
Is my ‘clock’ ticking? No, as far as I know. But emotional dismay does begin to set in when all of your cousins have already married (no divorces, thank God).

One of the best ways is through your social network. Cultivate your social network with people who do share your Catholic values and they may know some young ladies who in all probability share your values. Volunteer activities may also expand your social network and your chances of finding a future wife. You can also cultivate your social network online as well.

Involve yourself with Catholic causes, and in addition to volunteering for these causes you may want to go on retreats and pilgrimages too. Doing these not only enriches your life but may expand your chances of finding a devout young lady.

Last but not least, daily prayer.

I wouldn’t start out with the goal of finding a wife - small steps first! If your University has Catholic clubs, such as FOCUS, then start attending their events and become involved in their planning group. Find out which parish that the majority of university students attend and become active in parish life and especially the young adult program. You never know when you will meet your future wife. My dear daughter finished law school, passed the Bar and moved to LA and still hadn’t found the right guy. She made a new friend at work and was invited to be a bridesmaid in her new friends wedding. After the first wedding event for the attendants, the best man asked her out and they have been together for eleven months now. Both were raised Catholic and attended Catholic schools. You never know when you will meet “the right person”. Being very young, please have fun meeting loads of both young women and men. If your social group is large you meet more other young people in situations such as yours. God Bless you!:wink:

Well, you are still quite young so I think you have plenty of time. If you want someone of similar heritage, then either you will have to go to Poland or move to Chicago in the US where you will find a lot of Polish immigrants.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and good wishes. I have been far more socially active lately, which should improve my chances. particularly since I am in the company of numerous young ladies. Furthermore, I attend a Catholic University with a relatively high female to male ratio. In light of this, I should perhaps clarify that my only concern is finding a like-minded young lady, particularly when considering the rarity of my own peculiarities, sentiments, etc… But for now, since I am too young for marriage anyway, I simply live life and continue praying.

I suggest getting involved in some kind of Polish or Slavic social club or group. I would not be surprised if you found like-minded people there or in any group where there are immigrants from Eastern Europe and their children. While my husband is not Slavic, he is Eastern European. Your political leanings are not uncommon in Eastern European circles.

If you struggle with finding like-minded people in a Roman Catholic parish, you might want to check out a Byzantine Catholic parish (Ruthenian, among others). Your non-Polish Slavic brethren are for the most part Byzantine, and you can expand your Slavic social circles by getting involved in the Byzantine Catholic community.


I want to encourage you on your search, but also I want to caution you about being too specific. You may harm yourself by including in your list so many necessary characteristics of a perfect woman. I understand that you’ve probably spent a good deal of time reflecting on this, but hear me out:

My advice is to give a chance to some women who don’t fit exactly into your mold. It’s just a date, a few hours of talking and laughing, and you’ll find out what works and what doesn’t.

You should look for a person who excites you because of who they are as an individual apart from you. It’s kind of hard to describe, but if you haven’t really dated, you may THINK you know what you want, but then be pleasantly and unexpectedly surprised by what personality traits really excite you.


I sort of agree with Stephen Says. If you are traveling to Poland constantly, there is something to be said about that. On the other hand, you might be having difficulty finding that person because you have really limited the “fish in the sea” to a pretty specific pond.

While you should have similar core values, there is something to be said about opposites attracting as well. I wouldn’t have wanted to marry a female version of myself, for example. How boring!

You don’t need to find a girl who shares your ethnicity, culture, and political views, merely one who respects them.

eg. you may find a nice young Polish American girl, but she never wants to go back to Poland because her family left there to come to America and don’t wish to look back.

Or you may find a nice young American girl who’s never been to Poland and would find it very interesting to go there with you, and maybe use it as a base to explore other parts of Europe over time.

Keep in mind that whatever happens, if you get married and have a family, overseas trips may naturally become less frequent anyway. You (most likely) won’t have the time and money to make frequent trips, so I wouldn’t factor that aspect too heavily into your future plans.

I don’t know where all the polish girls hang out, but I do think you should focus less on chasing down a girl and more on praying for the woman God intends for you and making yourself the man she deserves. It will happen when the time is right.

Wow, I did not think I would receive more posts. Thank you for the additional thoughts and advice. I will try to address some of the questions raised.

underacloud: I know a young couple with three children (oldest 8, youngest 4). Both parents are Polish, with the father making a decent but not exceptional living and they manage to travel to Poland annually with the occasional hiatus if something else takes priority. As for willingness to return, it is one thing if the entire family moves, but in both our cases, the entire remainder of the family (parents or grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) still lives in Poland, providing more than enough reason to return.

Stephen Says: Perhaps I am limiting myself. The question lingers in my mind. However, despite my lack of dating experience, but I have talked as a friend to numerous young women. Unfortunately, I would not be truly happy with any of them. This is not to say that they are bad or lead some depraved lives (quite the contrary), but most tend to view me as some exotic creature (which is accurate from a certain point of view). Those who sympathise, although well intentioned, simply do not understand many of the matters which affect me.

iepuras: You seem to have read my mind. Unfortunately my university does not have any Polish, much less Slavic organisations. Although I am quite open to other Slavs, my family is not. (Byzantine Catholic frequently = Ukrainian, which is a big no - no in my family:shrug:). Back to the subject of clubs, I have been working on creating a Slavic organisation on my campus, we shall see if it works.

JSSD: A ‘female version of myself’ is exactly what I had in mind ;). In my experience no two people are the same, so the risk of a ‘female clone’ is rather low. My goal is simply to minimise the differences in motivations, goals etc. And from what I have seen, opposites may attract, but they rarely stay together :D.

Allegra: You are quite right and I have decided to put aside the ‘hunt’.

Once again thank you all for the advice. Maybe I will find her or maybe I will not. For now I must submit to our Lord and simply live life.

I’m not sure what your point is. Are you saying that you are specifically looking for an American Polish girl who has family back in Poland still and is keen to travel there each year? If so, I wish you good luck, because I think you’ll need it (well, to be fair, either luck or providence).

You say you want a woman who will be “a closer- than-best friend”. That’s a good way to view it. But are you only friends with other Polish Americans who have family back in Poland and travel there once a year to see them? I’ll presume not. So why not consider what it is about your current friends that you admire and try to project those qualities onto your ideal woman? I’d guess that (typically) race, culture, and politics are not defining features of your friendship circles, but I could be wrong. Think of the characteristics of a good friend, and focus on those rather than racial/cultural/political boxes that need to be ticked.

Just my 2c worth.

Yes, it would seem that I am looking for such a young woman. And I need all the luck (or grace) that I can take. I literally live a split existence between the United States and Poland. How wonderful would it be to be with somebody who knows and understands this reality?

Most of my friends are not Polish simply because I live in a city with a very small Polish minority. Although these are good friends, I still feel and sometimes experience a disconnect with them due to the lack of common experience etc… Ideally, I would be with friends of similar ethnic/cultural/political composition, but I will not dabble in what-ifs.

Although character is most important, I simply cannot neglect the other half of my life.
Imagine (an eventual) marriage as cutting you off from something so integral to your existence :(.

I hope that I do not come off as chauvinist or racist. These are my preferences simply based upon who I am, not a value judgement against those who are not Polish etc. I thank you for the good wishes and providential assistance (the latter never fails).

I agree. Be sure you can deal with it when your ideal person shows their differences from your expectation. FWIW, I’d have considered my wife and I fairly opposite, we are going on 12 years married (17 together). If anything, we’ve become more alike.

To your point (and mine), make sure you share the same core values.

Klemens Hadwig:

It sounds like you have a “social circle” for cultivating some friendships with some nice ladies. I didn’t grow up with sisters, and most of my interests were male dominated (such as cars, technical things, model building, and I was very active in the Scouts and later the fire department), so I was very shy around girls. The only “date” I went on in high school was the prom, and I basically went out of obligation. It wasn’t until I was about 19 or 20 when I attended college (the first time) that I began to get comfortable around women. I just had to put myself out there, and think about what I was going to say. I find that opening doors or just giving someone a smile is a good start.

For now, I would just concentrate on making friends. If a group of you get together and go dancing or something, that’s fine. I’m sure some of you go to lunch or dinner together on campus, which is fine too. If you are in an organization like ROTC, you could ask one of these ladies to go to the military ball with you too - nothing wrong with that.

Klemens Hadwig, to me, it seems like being in the company of young women will help you develop some “brother-sister type” relationships with women. Men and women are different, and it will help you get a little more comfortable with the opposite sex and help with your confidence. Who knows, some of these friendships could lead to something more, and if you are thinking about seminary, having some “brother-sister” relationships will help you relate to others. Oftentimes, prospective seminarians are asked about “how they relate to women.”

Hope this helps. Good luck! I’ve been in your shoes, and put your best foot forward."


I think your list is just that a list, true love will just happen and there is nothing you can do. You can settle for someone that meets your list, but you will just end up living life as friends.

“JSSD: A ‘female version of myself’ is exactly what I had in mind . In my experience no two people are the same, so the risk of a ‘female clone’ is rather low. My goal is simply to minimise the differences in motivations, goals etc. And from what I have seen, opposites may attract, but they rarely stay together .”

And your statement of Opposites attract but rarely stay together in my experience is false. My husband and I were about as opposite as you could of gotten, when we met by chance. I knew of him, but I didn’t like him in HS, but a year after HS we met up again with common friends 37 years ago and the rest is history. We learned to grow together and became each others best friends. Oh yes none of us were looking for relationships and my husband and I were so opposite that my friends gave the relationship 3 weeks, my mother even said we wouldn’t last 6 months. Boy was she & my dad surprised when he asked for my hand in marriage at 6 months(LOL).

I also have two very close friends who also are married to their opposites and on is going on 34 years of Marriage and another 31 years of marriage. Usually those who marry opposites and don’t last are ones who have had lustful relationships. Opposites bring a level of excitement to a relationship as they aren’t predictable if your dating someone who is just like you.

So I say, let your gut take a lead on this one Love is a wonderful thing. To many people settle and become miserable. Your young, enjoy friendships and just live life. :slight_smile:

Since I see no further replies, I want to thank all of the posters for their advice and good wishes.

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