This is the first time I've ever really told anybody any of this stuff, so let me give a little background first.
I am a 19 year old male about to enter my second year of college :) Although I have been "Catholic" all my life, I didn't start to actually practice my faith until about the beginning of my senior year of high school. In about June of 2009 (right before I graduated high school) a lot of my family members would joke around and ask me if i wanted to be a priest (I have a large family, and I'd say that not very many of them practice their faith - so to see an 18 year old male actually trying to live a Christian life, I guess this must have meant I was going to be a priest :rolleyes:).
My mom was the one that was most insistent with her comments regarding the priesthood. I know she didn't want me to - she wants grandchildren and so I could tell that, while not against the idea, she would much rather me have a biological family.
The idea of the priesthood had never even entered my mind until my family members started making these comments. And it angered/scared the heck out of me. It was scary to think about the fact that God might be calling me to this. I hated the idea of being a priest. I don't necessarily know why, but I just did. And I tried to resist it as much as I could. I would use excuses, try to ignore it, hoped that it would go away - but it didn't.
And all the while, I was disappointed in myself because I thought I was at the point in my faith where I could honestly say that I would give up anything for God - and this priesthood situation was revealing how untrue that was. I was willing to give everything to God... except for my vocation. :D I was confused and wished that God could just let me know already what he wanted out of me.
But the most confusing part of it all was/is that I want to be married soooo badly. I want to have a (human) spouse and be a biological father.I have written letters to my wife. I love listening to romantic, lovey-dovey corny music because it makes me think about how I feel about my wife. Reading Jason Evert's tracts on chastity and purity and praying for my spouse and loving my wife more than I love myself and giving my very life to her and my children makes me so... blissful. That's the only word I can use to describe the way I feel when I think about the fact that I might be lucky enough to be married to the woman of my dreams and raise a family with her.
Then about a week ago, I had a bit of an "epiphany." As I was thinking/fantasizing :o about how much I want to be married, of course the usual thought of the priesthood came up - "What if God doesn't want me to get married?" But this time, out of nowhere, with tears in my eyes, I told God that I would be willing to give up anything, even marriage to my wife, for His will. And I felt strangely liberated. For the first time in over a year, I felt like I could honestly say that I had given myself completely and totally to God.
Basically, for more than a year, I had this mentality: If I know God is calling me to the priesthood, then I'll be willing to not get married and give my vocation to Christ. Now it's more like this: Whatever vocation God is calling me to do, I'm willing to give up anything for Him, regardless of how badly I want it. :) And I know that that is what being a man of God is all about.
Hoookay. So now that my personal story is out of the way, here's my concern. I still don't know what vocation God is calling me to :whacky: And I still have 3 years left of college.
I have basically chosen to remain single for the past 2 years (I wanted to be able to flirt with whoever I wanted my freshman year of college :D). But this question has been on my mind for a while now: Is it prudent for me to try to pursue a relationship with a girl while I am still not sure what vocation I am being called to? I would really like to be in a relationship with a girl this year.
I think that one of 2 things could happen (if the relationship were to ever get serious):
1) God would let me know that this girl is who He wants me to be with, and my priesthood concerns would be gone.
2) I would still have the nagging priesthood thoughts, and then I would have to possibly break up with her and let her know that I have to further discern my vocation.
Honestly, I would hope that (1) would happen, but would probably be afraid that (2) would occur.
So what should I do? Be single until God "let's me know" for sure? But when will that be? And how will that happen? I'm confused :confused:
Thanks in advance for any comments, advice, concerns, anything