Girlfriends/Fiances lack of desire


My girlfriend and I are very serious and are very close to getting engaged(a matter of timing and getting a ring) when discussing future things recently she talked about how she’s excited for a lot the ways that we’ll be able to be closer but that sex wasn’t one of them. She’s very physically affectionate in other ways such as hugging, holding hands, cuddling and things like that but says that sexual intimacy just isn’t something she’s felt like she wants but knows it’s something that comes with being closer in Marriage. All the while I’m very excited to be able to be closer to her in that way. Should this be a concern?


Yes. It’s a huge concern.

How old are the two of you?


I’m thirty and she’s twenty five. Neither of us have any sexual experience either.


You need to discuss this in greater detail and really work through it. If she has little to no libido, that’s a time bomb waiting to go off in a marriage.

It’s possible she’s just nervous about sex given that you’re both virgins, but if she truly has no desire then there are issues you all need to work through.


Are there ways to determine this without experiencing it first?


Talk about it. Before you get married.


This is a HUGE red flag. Don’t ignore this. Don’t gloss over it. Don’t go into a marriage assuming it will change or she didn’t really mean it.

Get some counseling together on this. It’s not really in the range of normal for a young woman to not be interested in sex at all. She could have hormonal problems, or psychological ones.

A HUGE one. Don’t proceed with engagement and marriage plans until you’ve worked through this. Including if it means going your separate ways.


Well, yes. A healthy libido means you have desire. She indicates she has no desire and doesn’t “want” sexual intercourse. A normal, healthy (physically and psychologically) woman absolutely “wants” the man she is going to marry, even if she doesn’t act on those “wants” until marriage. And prior sexual experience does not factor in here. You can be inexperienced sexually and desire your boyfriend/girlfriend.


It’s a big red flag. It destroys marriages.


You can be attracted to someone without actively pursuing sexual thoughts with them in your mind.

See a pretty girl/boy and think, wow, that is an attractive person! — Not a sin

See a pretty girl/boy and think man I would like to have sex with her/him, and this is how I would do it. Let me create a detailed image of the sexual act with them and spend time imagining them naked ---- Sin


In marriage there is a marital debt which needs to be fulfilled. Being attracted physically and sexually to a spouse ins’t really part of the teachings of the Catholic Church and it might just be people projecting some ideal.


You could have a Josephite marriage if its not important to you or you feel the same as your girlfriend.


Attraction and lust aren’t the same thing.

Desire and arousal aren’t the same thing either.


That’s not what a Josephite marriage is for. The couple gives up something good for something greater. People who are asexual or have no desire or attraction aren’t giving up anything. Maybe one partner is giving up something but that doesn’t seem like that’s in the spirit of a Josephite marriage.


The “marriage debt” as you so romantically word it, is not going to be much fun it you are not attracted to each other.


Well I find babies, dogs and cats attractive as well. It depends what you mean by attraction.


People might be able to get around that.


What are you taking about? Why would they want to “get around” this?


I’m not going to bother.


Probably for the best.

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