Fot those who know me a little bit from this forum - you may remember that this past summer I went on a trip that meant a lot to me, that I had been dreaming about… and at the same time I felt kind of guilty because it made me feel less strongly about going baclk to the US where I have friends too that I kind of felt responsible for.
Really wanting to go, I went on my trip anyway (kind of thinking, “just to get it out of my system”) and it was sooo beautiful that it ended up changing my perspectives and dreams, I have started learning a new language and it gives me a big sense of purpose… kind of like it was meant to be? And maybe I’ll end up going back and spending more time, maybe God is leading me in a new direction where I might be needed too?
And then my scrupulosity sets in and I think: I don’t remember, did I say to God or just to myself that I’d go on the trip just to get it out of my system, and what ended up happening!!?? The start of a new chapter in my life???
People have told me before it is ok to change your mind. Well, ok, definitely the trip didn’t get the new dream out of my system, it made it stronger!
Of course in the end it doesn’t/shouldn’t really matter where we are, but how we are, how much we love, if we stay true to God’s commandments, etc.
Still, now I feel I am being led in a different direction and at the same time still feeling a bit guilty. Do you think God works this way that he would let me kind of make excuses for myself (“just to get it out of my system”), and then end up leading me in htat way anyway?
Or was the need to make excsues itself just my scrupulosity and I should just from the beginning have allowed myself to go on a trip that makes me happy?
And now, I have this whole new dream (all my life it seems I have had dreams like that… something that gives me a sense of purpose, that leads me somewhere, be it a place or a way of life or whatever), and I still feel kind of guilty sometimes, maybe BECAUSE it makes me so happy.
I don’t know if I am making any sense?
Any thoughts about - can I trust that God is leading me, or should I hold myself to the possibly scrupulous “just get it out of my system” thing, because otherwise I would kind of have been lying again??? but it IS ok to change your mind, somebody said before… (?)