While I cannot truly understand what you have been going through, I have gone through similar struggles in trying to discern as to why God allows certain things, particularly bad and unpleasant things to happen. I will try to answer your question the best I can, from my perspective.
Though we have free will, nothing occurs that God does not allow. In simple words, everything must have his approval, no matter how bad it is. I have done many bad things in the past, and I continue to struggle in trying to live right, looking to the Lord for guidance and example. And yes, I continue to live with the consequences of my actions. In my efforts in trying to live a holy life, I fail continuously, but I am strengthened and renewed by Him who promised to stand by me always. Many times, I feel depressed, and my mind and heart is filled with sadness, contempt, shame, and pain. But in the many years I have struggled, one thing stood out to me, as I prayed and continue to do so:
It is God’s will that I suffer, that I weep, that I have such thoughts. He allows me to fall, even to sin against him; for I know that by allowing me to do so, I will come to approach him in repentance and contrition. In this, He teaches me that without Him, I am nothing, that I rely completely on Him for my mere existence. He let me go through all that negativity and hurt, and in many ways continues to do so, so that I may be still and know who He is. Yes, I will likely never understand Him and the things He allows, mere man that I am. But, as others on this thread have said, we must rest on his mercy and love, that He knows what is best. Many times, we Christians do not know why He would allow such horrible things to happen and still occur in the present, but I and many others pray during such times, asking Him to at least bestow upon me and others some knowledge of His will, and to act upon it. Like many of the saints who did this, they were raised and remembered forever.
Know that many of us here are praying for you as we speak. We struggle with it, but we must learn to submit ourselves to the banner of His will, no matter how difficult it is and no matter that it often does not make sense in the eyes of the world. We must have faith that everything is part of His will, though we never will truly know it until that day comes, past this life. My confessor once told me this when I asked him a similar question, as I was trying to find closure as I recalled my past; he told me that the will of the Father is always good. We can look at the Holy Scriptures and how God used the Egyptians, Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks to accomplish His will. Many of us have learned that God can make something out of any situation. I think of Mother Angelica for instance; she may no longer be in the limelight, is paralyzed and severely limited in movement, but she knows that even in the state she is in, God is working and making something out of it.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on KendraDZ1902. Hear her prayer, and may your peace, love, healing, and help, be upon her and those around her, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.