My brothers and sisters,
I am really struggling in my faith and going through a period of desolation that is more trying than anything I have experienced before. I would greatly appreciate any advice/support/prayers any of you might have.
Condensed version: the girl I thought I was going to marry broke my heart and then started seeing another guy; I just moved to a new city which happens to be her hometown; I am overwhelmed with my medical school studies; I live alone and spend most of my days alone; my broken heart keeps me from sleeping; I do not find consolation in prayer; the devil tempts me with sin as a way to escape the desolation constantly.
Here is the whole story if you care to read it:
My spiritual journey has brought me to a very interesting place. I just began medical school about a month ago. Before I came to medical school, I had been dating this beautiful holy woman from for about six months (going on dates for about a year, and going to the same college for a few years). Before that I had spent about a year discerning the priesthood and did not feel I had the supernatural calling.
Our relationship was really thriving before school, we were growing in holiness, and I was focusing a lot on scripture and trying to grow in my relationship with Christ so I could better prepare myself for what seemed to be going towards marriage. We were best friends, cried together, laughed together, spent a lot of time with each others family, and a lot of time in prayer together. I thought she was the most beautiful, loving woman on the face of the earth.
We were talking a lot about marriage and I have never had so much consolation in a relationship. I was on fire to love this girl. I was getting a lot of really intense affirmation on her part and let myself become very vulnerable with her, giving her my whole heart. Everything seemed right. We began saying “I love you” and I told her when I said that I was making a choice and had never said that to another girl (I’ve dated 3 other girls seriously).
I went on a trip away from her for a few weeks this summer. We would write letters back and forth and talk on the phone a lot. She planned on meeting me at the airport when I got back and said she couldn’t wait to see me, loved me, and reaffirmed the relationship
I was so excited to see what God’s plans for us were and couldn’t sleep the night before I flew back home. I got back, and she was not at the airport. I called and she said was busy with work, she was sorry she couldn’t make it and would have to call me later. Long story short, she broke up with me a few hours later. She said she “was not on fire to love me anymore”.
My world fell apart, I didn’t know what happened. She said nothing was wrong with the relationship and nothing bothered her about me. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. A few days later I talked to her and had a lot of questions for her: You don’t want to discern this together? Do you think this was because we were apart for the last month or so? What did you mean when you said you loved me two weeks ago? How can you have a change of heart so quickly, don’t you think we should pray about this together?
All she said was that she was really sure about her decision, she was sorry to hurt me, and that she knows God has something better planned for me. Something still didn’t seem right, so I asked her if she had met another guy while I was at camp. She told me, “I’d be lying if I said no.” She had been to a good friend’s wedding a few weeks before and met another guy, a high school theology teacher, and been on a date with him and was now interested in him.
My heart shattered, my faith was rocked harder than it has ever been rocked before. I didn’t know what to trust - love? God? friends? family? It seemed like I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and all I could do is pray, without feeling anything.
I haven’t talked to her since then.
So this is where I am now. All of this happened a few days before I moved to medical school. I live alone in the dorm there. The city where the medical school is, is the city where the girl I had been dating lives.
My friends in this city were all of her friends. They don’t include me in many of there activities anymore because of everything that happened. I see her randomly sometimes out with all of my used to be close friends…it hurts.
The Catholic community here is very interconnected. It has been hard for me to be with anyone who isn’t closely connected to her.
The trouble I’m having now is that: I feel very alone, I’m in solitude for most of the day every day studying for medical school, I don’t sleep well at night, I still love her, I feel like she is irreplaceable, I haven’t found a faith community at the medical school, the school is very worldly, I pray a lot but go into despair often due to the lack of consolation and what seems to be an unceasing emotional low, I try to commit my time to fruitful things (starting a pro life group at the medical school or starting a spiritual community among students) but they do not fill the hole in my heart, I’ve never been so sad for so long, I don’t think it will end soon.
Although my rational mind tells me there is a way for me and God will “part the Red Sea for me”, I don’t find much hope. The days are long, and I yearn to love someone, I long to be unselfish. The hardest thing is having to ACTUALLY give it to the Lord. A lot of times I say I lay things down before the Lord, but this is the first time that has been my only option. The devil tempts me with sin constantly; it is hard to remain faithful.
I know this probably sounds very dramatic, but this is my heart right now.
Please pray for me, and I will be offering up my studies this day for all of those who might read this and lift me up.
St. Agnes, pray for us