Going through a time of desolation, please pray for me


#1

My brothers and sisters,
I am really struggling in my faith and going through a period of desolation that is more trying than anything I have experienced before. I would greatly appreciate any advice/support/prayers any of you might have.

Condensed version: the girl I thought I was going to marry broke my heart and then started seeing another guy; I just moved to a new city which happens to be her hometown; I am overwhelmed with my medical school studies; I live alone and spend most of my days alone; my broken heart keeps me from sleeping; I do not find consolation in prayer; the devil tempts me with sin as a way to escape the desolation constantly.

Here is the whole story if you care to read it:
My spiritual journey has brought me to a very interesting place. I just began medical school about a month ago. Before I came to medical school, I had been dating this beautiful holy woman from for about six months (going on dates for about a year, and going to the same college for a few years). Before that I had spent about a year discerning the priesthood and did not feel I had the supernatural calling.

Our relationship was really thriving before school, we were growing in holiness, and I was focusing a lot on scripture and trying to grow in my relationship with Christ so I could better prepare myself for what seemed to be going towards marriage. We were best friends, cried together, laughed together, spent a lot of time with each others family, and a lot of time in prayer together. I thought she was the most beautiful, loving woman on the face of the earth.

We were talking a lot about marriage and I have never had so much consolation in a relationship. I was on fire to love this girl. I was getting a lot of really intense affirmation on her part and let myself become very vulnerable with her, giving her my whole heart. Everything seemed right. We began saying “I love you” and I told her when I said that I was making a choice and had never said that to another girl (I’ve dated 3 other girls seriously).

I went on a trip away from her for a few weeks this summer. We would write letters back and forth and talk on the phone a lot. She planned on meeting me at the airport when I got back and said she couldn’t wait to see me, loved me, and reaffirmed the relationship

I was so excited to see what God’s plans for us were and couldn’t sleep the night before I flew back home. I got back, and she was not at the airport. I called and she said was busy with work, she was sorry she couldn’t make it and would have to call me later. Long story short, she broke up with me a few hours later. She said she “was not on fire to love me anymore”.

My world fell apart, I didn’t know what happened. She said nothing was wrong with the relationship and nothing bothered her about me. She told me I didn’t do anything wrong. A few days later I talked to her and had a lot of questions for her: You don’t want to discern this together? Do you think this was because we were apart for the last month or so? What did you mean when you said you loved me two weeks ago? How can you have a change of heart so quickly, don’t you think we should pray about this together?

All she said was that she was really sure about her decision, she was sorry to hurt me, and that she knows God has something better planned for me. Something still didn’t seem right, so I asked her if she had met another guy while I was at camp. She told me, “I’d be lying if I said no.” She had been to a good friend’s wedding a few weeks before and met another guy, a high school theology teacher, and been on a date with him and was now interested in him.

My heart shattered, my faith was rocked harder than it has ever been rocked before. I didn’t know what to trust - love? God? friends? family? It seemed like I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and all I could do is pray, without feeling anything.

I haven’t talked to her since then.

So this is where I am now. All of this happened a few days before I moved to medical school. I live alone in the dorm there. The city where the medical school is, is the city where the girl I had been dating lives.

My friends in this city were all of her friends. They don’t include me in many of there activities anymore because of everything that happened. I see her randomly sometimes out with all of my used to be close friends…it hurts.

The Catholic community here is very interconnected. It has been hard for me to be with anyone who isn’t closely connected to her.

The trouble I’m having now is that: I feel very alone, I’m in solitude for most of the day every day studying for medical school, I don’t sleep well at night, I still love her, I feel like she is irreplaceable, I haven’t found a faith community at the medical school, the school is very worldly, I pray a lot but go into despair often due to the lack of consolation and what seems to be an unceasing emotional low, I try to commit my time to fruitful things (starting a pro life group at the medical school or starting a spiritual community among students) but they do not fill the hole in my heart, I’ve never been so sad for so long, I don’t think it will end soon.

Although my rational mind tells me there is a way for me and God will “part the Red Sea for me”, I don’t find much hope. The days are long, and I yearn to love someone, I long to be unselfish. The hardest thing is having to ACTUALLY give it to the Lord. A lot of times I say I lay things down before the Lord, but this is the first time that has been my only option. The devil tempts me with sin constantly; it is hard to remain faithful.
I know this probably sounds very dramatic, but this is my heart right now.

Please pray for me, and I will be offering up my studies this day for all of those who might read this and lift me up.

St. Agnes, pray for us
A.M.D.G.


#2

Same thing happened to me. I was pretty hurt, as well, Thought I’d never find anyone as good. I was wrong. It was soon, that I met someone orders of magnitude better: my wife of 20 years.

The Lord closes a door, but he opens a window (as we Italians say).

Prayers offered for you.


#3

Thank you so much Luigi. That is where my faith struggle is coming into play right now: I want to believe God has this beautiful plan for me, but I have no control over it anymore.

I’m in medical school and feel like I will not have time to meet anyone that I will love as much as I did this woman.

The good thing is that if it DOES happen, I will surely know it is God and will be exclaiming it from the rooftops.

I teared up when I read you had been married for twenty years. That is beautiful. Thank you for your support brother. Grace be with you.


#4

It was my pleasure. It will happen. I’ll tell you what my Dad told me “it will happen when you least expect it”. I guarantee you that it was exactly like that. Keep the Faith. :slight_smile:


#5

I am starting to discover that our faith resides in uncertainty. Uncertainty is scary. Trust is a grace. Your story gives me hope though.


#6

Absolutely. It strengthens our Faith in the end. Do not despair :slight_smile:


#7

The Lord Bless you and keep you
The Lord turn his face to you and have mercy
The Lord turn his countenance to you and give you peace
The Lord Bless you

Saint Francis of Assisi ----

I predict someday you will be very happily married to a wonderful woman and likely have kids too. In the mean time, finish your medical studies and learn to become His Servant.

The Lord is “real” and He loves you. Seek Him privately as He rewards those who seek him. All will fall into place with time — just keep your eyes on Him !


#8

Thank you for that prayer Stuart.

Your confidence in God’s plan for me gives me a lot of hope.

God bless you.


#9

You are most welcome —

Let me suggest a great “read”:

Francis of Assisi by Adrian House

His example changed my life —

stu


#10

Thank you Stu, I will definitely check it out.


#11

Dear brother in Christ,

I just want to hug you and take it all away. But that’s part of the beauty of love - we risk it all, and even when the relationship doesn’t continue, we have to practice patience, hope, and faith…it’s hard, and it’s very scary, and it just plain sucks sometimes!

What’s abundantly clear to me is that you were made to love someone. You are developing your capacity to love until it hurts…and that’s a tremendous gift to a spouse. I hope that if you indeed are called to marriage, that the blessed woman is praying for you and for herself, wherever she might be. She just hasn’t met you yet in the right place and time.


I hope and pray, Heavenly Father, that throughout our lives, You make us stronger at the core of our souls and softer, more compassionate around the edges. Give us strengthening graces to grow in virtue, especially this dear brother of ours. Console him in his time of need so that he might know and trust in the depths of Your love and peace. In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen.


#12

Hey--I am a student also (although not in grad school!). I am also discerning, but I have never had a serious relationship with a girl or even went out on a date (but that is another story!) But some of the responses I read to your post are correct. Just stop worrying and put your faith in God. For the past year, all I did was worry and worry about school, jobs, majors, my future. Always planning, worrying, scheduling, etc; in a sense, trying to force my future to happen while I was still living in the present. And then I just stopped because I started to realize recently that life is something that you cannot control. And you know what, for one of the first times in my life, today I actually said "I am happy" three times! And life is starting to be more exciting and beautiful in so many ways. It is getting easier to live in this worldly world also. Life is just a journey but I do believe once you put your faith totally in God, just believe and say "God whatever is Your Will" then you will be safe. There will be trials I am sure at different points, but pray as in the Our Father that you are not tempted. It is beautiful---maybe your girlfriend will return, maybe you will find another girlfriend/potential wife, maybe a totally different vocation in life. You clearly have ability if you are a med student---just keep it up! School is rough, and I am in the same boat with many quantitative classes. Just pray and continue with life.

This is a great community. I joined recently and I love it!

Padre Pio: "Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry": Quite possibly one of the greatest truths ever to be recited by a human.


#13

After having numerous miscarriages then adopting my beautiful son, I will tell you that God is awesome at bringing people together. He will bring you the right person at the right time. It will not be in your time. It may take a very, very long time. I loved each of my babies (I had greater than 10 miscarriages) but the pure joy I have for my son shows me that God’s plan is perfection. I had no control over it. It wasn’t easy. But in the end, it was best. Trust in Jesus - more beautiful things exist for you than you can imagine or can make happen for yourself.


#14

Veronica, thank you for that beautiful message of hope


#15

Hi DeusProvidebit, I'll say a memorare for you. I know it is so hard to see right now, but out of this disappointment and heartbreak, God will surely bring you closer to Him; the important thing to remember is that our hearts are not made for each other but for God alone. God alone can satisfy the deepest desires of your heart, and in taking this girl away from you, He has given you the chance to rely on Him even more. I know at times that seems like so little comfort when all you feel is pain. You sound like a great guy who is truly trying to seek God with his whole heart, and I'll pray that God does put someone else into your life. In fact I wish I knew some guys like you! ;)

Do you know this prayer?

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands; do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.


#16

Tota_pulchra_es

Thank you for your prayers. I can definitely see that God is bringing me as closer to Him everyday (or at least as close as I'll let Him get). I do think I was losing sight of the fact that our hearts our restless until they rest in God. When I was dating this woman, I was very "at peace" and the spiritual life was "easy". I'm not sure I was as deep into my realtionship with the Lord at that point to be settling into a routine and peaceful spiritual state. The Lord has some more growing for me to do before I'm ready for the "consistency" of a Vocation. I've been praying a lot for Him to replace my pain with love. I'm starting to see myself making some small steps towards healing....small. I long to love though.

That is a very beautiful prayer. Thank you for taking the time to share it with me. It reminds me a lot of the prayer of St. Ignatius:

"Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it
all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more. Amen"

Grace be with you.

St. Agnes, pray for us.


#17

The Lord is good!


#18

DeusProvidebit

I know you are suffering deeply right now. I hope you don’t mind me sharing my story

I was actually engaged to someone for a couple of years and loved them very much but we grew apart rather abruptly and we broke off the engagement and he immediately got into a relationship with someone he had been spending time with prior to us breaking up.

I thought my life was over. I didn’t have a way to meet anyone new b/c I didn’t like going out and my church didn’t have young adult meetings during times that I wasn’t working. I prayed to God to help me and I was inspired to check out a Catholic dating site online. I met the MOST wonderful man possible. It was like we had known each other forever. We are now married :slight_smile: I didn’t give up and I trusted totally in God. I couldn’t be happier. It was like we were literally made for one another. I couldn’t have chosen better for myself and I’m so glad God chose for me.

He works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Don’t give up hope!!


#19

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but praise God that you are happily married now. That is definitely a story that gives me so much hope.

Just some advice for anyone in a similiar siutation to mine: I'm read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" and it really spoke to my heart and connected with a lot of the feelings I have at this point. A recommended read for anyone going through a hard loss.

-Bradley


#20

The following reasoning helped me greatly when I had a similar “broken heart.”

"We shall draw nearer to God not by trying to avoid sufferings inherent in all loves,
but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor.
If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they
should be broken, so be it."
C. S. Lewis


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