As many of you are aware, I, like so many others, struggle from pornography addiction and things that go with it. I’ve made many a thread on this topic, and participated in many a thread as well. I’m slowly working on finding my way to the Catholic church, and am planning on starting in the RCIA program next month.
This morning, I feel like I just can’t break free from this, no matter how hard I try. If it weren’t for my computer being expensive and required for both my work, and schooling, I’d destroy it. I’m extremely technically savvy, and as such, I’ve figured out how to get around my Internet filters. I find myself falling into this time and time again, and waking up, feeling a since of extreme guilt and remorse, but also feeling as though I’ve committed a grave sin, a punishable offense here on Earth, and in Heaven.
I’ve got people who support me, both here, and friends I can contact. They tell me time and time again to just get back up, brush it off, and go. I see a social worker, whom provides a small amount of support in this regard. I’ve had many a prayer session with laymen, pastors, etc, concerning this problem. I haven’t prayed my Rosary in over a week now. I feel so vile, so disgusting, it’s unexplanable.
And to top it all off, I’ve just recently found myself engaging in immoral (pre-marital) activities with someone I’ve known for a while, something I thought I was free from now for almost two years. I guess you can add sex addiction to the list. Oh joy.
I really hate myself. I hate myself so much, the thought of celibacy has never sounded good until now. I feel as though my sexual desires are a disease of some sort, that can only get me into trouble. It saddens me to think that I started out so pure, my intentions so good, and though my intentions still are, I find myself falling down constantly.
All I want to do is love God, my creator, and love people. I want someone to love and care for. I want children someday. I want to live a normal life. I want to be loved and cared for. A life without love given, and received, is not worth living. I’ve never felt like such a hippy before, but I’m finding that on the most basic level, love is the only thing I want. If I never get the highest degree, the best paying job, lots of friends, etc, who cares? I always did, but now I find myself wanting only one thing, love. I don’t know how much time I have on Earth, but for the time I do have, all I want is love.
I suppose these feelings are natural for a young adult. I guess we all go through these fairytale stages. I’ve talked to many an older man than I about these sort of things, and they can remember a time they felt that way. These people are now pretty miserable in their work, their life, their marriages, etc.
I’ve ranted enough.