I know this sounds terrible, but as I grow closer to the Church, I seem to grow more and more distant to my family, especially my father (my mother is deceased). He is not pleased that I wish to devote my life to the Church and become a Priest. We have arguments about this and I am growing to hate him. I recognize I need financial support from my father and this creates more arguments, but since I need him, I cannot say how I truly feel. My father is not a Catholic and he has little love for any organized religion, so he does not understand my desire to be a Priest.
It crossed my mind tonight that I wish he would just…well…die–please do not misinterpret me, I am not saying that I would want to be the cause of said death, just that sometimes I wish he would die. It would make things a lot easier for me. I know this is is a horrible thing to think, but in a way it is true though. AGAIN, I AM NOT SAYING I WANT TO KILL HIM, MERELY THAT I WISH HE WOULD DIE SOMETIMES (I reiterate this so that no one thinks I am going to kill anyone).
We had an argument today, it caused me to have nightmares (for me, that is how stress can express itself…bad dreams). I wish he would suffer them. I wish he would desire something greatly only to have someone else interfere. I want to tell him, to warn him, that if he dare stands in my way, I will never have anything to do with him again, that he could be alone dying in a hospital bed, begging for his son to be at his side, and that I will tell him to go to Hell (not literally of course) with a smile on my face.
Unfortunately, I do need him, but there is little love I think. I love the Church, I want to dedicate my life to Her, but I only need my family, there is little love there. They are not Catholic, they cannot understand or take the journey I seek, but they can certainly interfere.
Of course, if it comes to the point where our relationship is utterly failed, then I will tell him graphically my feelings. That I want him to die, that I never want to see him again, that if I am particularly merciful, I will go to his funeral but only to kick his casket. That he had better hope he never needs anything from me, because I wouldn’t spit on him if he were dying of thirst. I know these thoughts are wrong and horrible, but what can family compare to the wonders of the Church? My family is now but an inconvenience and an interference.
I talk to Catholic friends, and I think their family would be highly supportive of anyone desiring to be a Priest, but not my father. He doesn’t understand, he will probably never understand, but he can understand that if he wants a son, he had better stay the Hell out of my way on this issue. I fear that he is going to go back on a deal we had, one where I agree to sign over an inheritance received from mother’s side of the family (it is land, so it will take time for it to sell, but it should be valuable) in return for his continued support until I can formally enter formation–that land could be worth a couple hundred thousand dollars, you cannot say I am not being fair here–and it was a deal he agreed to, but there is no contract (obviously, the property is still in my name, so if he backs out, then let him rot in poverty and loneliness in his old age). Oh, how I want to tell these things to him: he can either have a son who is a Priest with his support or he can have a son who is a Priest who despises him and might as well not be his son, because said son won’t ever have anything to do with him again.
If I must choose between the Church and my family, then I choose the Church.