Hey brothers/sisters, I’m currently going through something that I would like some help on.
Currently I am discerning whether I should enter the Priesthood or not. I have a lot on me right now that I’m trying to discern through and sometimes its hard to see, so I thought I’d get some advice from the community.
I have been saved for 5 years now. I’ve been walking a beautiful path with God and I’ve enjoyed it so much that I thought I wanted to be a priest. Now I’m starting to find this idea harder and harder to come through for several reasons.
The biggest reason is that I sort of met a girl about a year ago, that at first I just felt a spiritual connection for. She was struggling with her beliefs and as the student chaplain, felt more inclined to help her. Soon I felt such a pull that I started focusing on having personal talks with her about Christ and helping her find her way a little better.
It wasn’t long after that I got a physical attraction to her, not the way she looked, but rather who she was. She’s full of life and keeps me on my toes for sure. She found out that I liked her and we started talking, but she backed off. She never told me if she did or didn’t like me, but for sure it sizzled out from there, for a little while. Over the summer I stayed with a buddy of mine as I prepared for training to go to Ft. Lewis, WA for military training. When I came back, I went out with some friends and she was there again. I got the same feeling for her that I had back in April at that moment.
I’m trying to discern my vocational calling, before I met her, I loved God and I still do, I spend a lot of my time in prayer and meditation. Every time though, I think of her and I hate it so much. I would say its lust or infatuation, but its not. I know its not because even my friends see that its not, they see how much I try to sacrifice, to make sure she’s okay, to be there when no one else is, to stand by her when she’s struggling and make sure she’s taken care of. I do these things not really expecting anything in return, and in it all I see Christ working, teaching and giving me guidance. He teaches me patience and what the true meaning of sacrifice is.
She doesn’t like the fact that I’m thinking of being a Priest, in fact she gets angry and defensive over the fact that I’m thinking about it. The way she acts towards me, the way she looks at me makes me think she likes me, but I think the fact that I’m going to the seminary soon turns her away, she’s one of my best friends so basically we know pretty much everything about each other, I just don’t know how this could happen and why it would happen. I was so happy just loving Christ, yet when I wasn’t looking, this pops out of no where. I’m REALLY confused, sometimes I think God is calling me to the Priesthood and sometimes it feels like he’s calling me to something else. I know the devil works in ways to confuse us, leave us in a way that we become incapable of serving God. I really think that this is God working because at night, I pray for him to take this feeling away, to let me get away from the way I feel for her and let me serve him completely, but no matter how much or how hard I pray, he says no.
I hate myself so much, cause I feel like I’m pulling myself from God. If anyone has any helpful suggestions that would be awesome. I love God, and the Priesthood is inspiring, but in someway that I can’t understand, she drives me further to love God and in doing so love her in a way that is different to me. A way that makes me love her not for anything she can give me but what I can give her. Really need some help, I would go to my priest but I don’t really want to bother him with it, and he’s been busy lately.