I don’t know how to talk to guys. I amend that: cute guys. Whenever I’m around them, my stomach flutters and my spine turns to liquid. I end up talking to the not so cute ones and avoiding the one I’m really interested in. However, I’d like to change that and I’d like your help, gentlemen. How do I break the ice? Is there a patron saint for courage? What are guys interested in anyways? Thank you for your help in this trivial matter of mine.
Well perhaps the same happens to men with you? I know that if I am talking with a beautiful looking woman, I can get exactly like the way you do. However I have learned to enjoy it rather than fight it. Enjoy it in the sense that instead of watching tv or doing the dishes:o I am talking to a beautiful woman.
Absent any clear, platonic reason to talk to a member of the opposite sex, your attempts at conversation will remain frivolous and inane. Having a serious reason to talk to these individuals beyond the mere distractions of the passions will do more to dispel stomach flutters and spinal liquidity than simply fishing this forum for anecdotal homespun remedies.
I’d like to be his friend yet I do acknowledge at the same time he’s attractive. Can you please repeat your post in less flurid language?
There is nothing wrong with that. As for flutters there is the old expression “Practice makes perfect”.
I would say breaking the ice is as simple as asking about how there day is going and responding from there. If you show interest in a guy like that and offer empathetic statements like “Oh that must have been rough,” while offering eye contact and other appropriate body language like smiling at the right times then he will see that you do not have a superficial interest in him. Sometimes a guy wants to see that a girl responds to him (laughs at his jokes, does not walk away well he tells you more about himself) and thinks what he has to say or do is important. Just show a very strong interest in what he has to say and respond appropriately… then hopefully he will want to see you again… sometimes you may have to let him know its alright like say something in the nature (oh it was really great talking to you I hope we run into each other again). Finally when you get to that moment when talking to the guy, right before ask for guidance by the Spirit… He can help you get into the right relationship or stay far away from bad ones.
If you were to read C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves, you would know that friendship depends on two individuals sharing some sort of interest or hobby. If the extent of your interest in this other individual is that he happens to be attractive, then I submit that your attempt at friendship is shallow on its face. You must attempt to find something that you and he share an interest in and form a friendship around that. In other words, that you find him attractive is not enough of a basis for any sort of friendship.
I’ll look for that book. I agree with you. I wouldn’t want someone to be friends or date me soley on my looks. Honestly, I don’t know if we share common interests which is why I’d like to have the guts to talk to him and see if we have anything in common. We’re in a class together which is a starting point.
The matter is not trivial and thank you for asking us, guys, rather than making guesses or avoiding those of us you like in favour of those you don’t.
As for the patron saint of courage, there’s none better than St Joan of Arc, I suppose, especially if you go for lady saints. However, she was a battle saint, a young girl who used the courage to approach hostile armed forces, not young men. Since St Joseph is the guardian of maidens, I suppose it’s a good idea to pray to him to help you find a good man. Or St Raphael for happy meetings. Can’t forged Blessed Virgin Mary… what is it that you can’t pray to her for intercession in? But you were asking about courage…
And, to answer your question, what Other Eric so charmingly suggested is that it’s good to have something to talk about rather than rely on physical attraction or, well, just attraction. After all, no matter how attractive a guy, if you don’t have much to talk about, follow different systems of values, don’t have a similar vision of marriage, aren’t good and kind to each other, well, then it won’t work.
This said, you don’t need to avoid talking to guys unless you’d be talking to them even if they were forbidding trolls. You can simply approach them and talk about something relevant, trying to establish a link and find some common interests. Be polite, natural, try to show yourself from a good side, respect yourself and respect the guy. If you want to say, “wow, that’s impressive,” say it, but if you don’t, don’t force yourself. That’s about all there is to it.
Once you’ve made some contact, what DailyBread says is important: respond to the guy. But what I said before is also important: be natural and respect yourself. If you have to choose between being yourself and respecting yourself, and responding in a particular way, then choose the former. Don’t fake anything, just express what you really think or feel. Colouring your reactions too much could give the guy the impression that your interest is stronger than it is. That wouldn’t be good. But don’t hold back if you really feel that kind of response - his jokes are funny, his stories are interesting, he played the game well, showed some skill, knowledge, manners, whatever. Just so long as it honestly impressed you and you respect yourself while expressing it.
Now, as for the guy you were talking about, maybe you could ask if you could have a moment of your time and if he says yes, ask him to tell you a bit about his interests. If he says why, you can tell him you’d like to find out if you have some common ones. Then if he asks why, you could say something like, “because it would be nice if we did,” or similar. If he keeps why-ing you further, denying answers, getting secretive or otherwise complicating it, then he’s probably not your guy. Then, pay attention and listen when he talks. If things are going right, he should ask about yours, so then it’s his turn to be attentive - and he’d better be. Don’t make it too long at the first time and don’t push things. “Perhaps we’ll talk later,” or “thank you, it was nice talking to you,” are fine. If he tells you a compliment, take it graciously, thank him, some you can reciprocate - if he tells you you look pretty, you can tell him he looks good as well, generally, some positive things you can always return with a simple “likewise”. Well, this is just a couple of ideas. Be spontaneous and improvise. Don’t think he’s doing you a favour by returning your kindness, although it’s surely nice of him to engage in the conversation and keep it going.
Easy… forget you’re a woman…
Don’t be subliminal
Just talk & say what’s on your mind…
now be forewarned that this may backfire in your face… as guys expect women to talk in riddles and leave them hanging to figure out what they want…and a woman that actually says what she means could be scary… but…
Interesting that men and women typically become nervous when attempting conversation only with attractive people of the opposite sex…Hmmm…interesting.:hmmm:
The problem with hints and riddles is that they aren’t always as simple as we think they are and sometimes they are also ambiguous. Some men don’t like being expected to read minds.
Be confident, honest and straightforward. Avoid acting dumb (some women think that it is attractive to be silly).
Don’t constantly analyze every thing he says, what he did with his left finger, how he raised one eyebrow - pretty much, know what he said is what he means.
Do you have brothers?
If the guy is a stranger, the best approach is to throw a casual comment out there. For instance, if you’re wating in a long line at the store, you can say aloud, “Looks like I picked the wrong line. No matter what line I pick, it’s always the slowest.” Or if you’re eating lunch at the next table, say, “That looks good, now I wish I’d ordered that.” A casual comment like that doesn’t cost you anything — if the guy ignores it, you don’t look bad for having said it. But it gives him a chance to respond. And now you’re officially in a conversation.
Don’t expect 100% success. Be realistic. It’s like sending out job applications — you don’t expect 100% success, you expect 10% success, and you plan accordingly. You wouldn’t build all your hopes and dreams on one single job application, you’d send out 10. Same idea. Approach ten guys, get one phone number. Also, every “no” gives you more practice (and gets you one closer to a “yes”). Do it enough and you won’t even think twice about initiating a conversation, it’ll just come so naturally. Over time, I developed nerves of steel where I could start a conversation with a cute woman anywhere. I met my wife in the gym by asking her if she’d seen the 25 lb weights.
Good luck out there!
I talked to him today. He was sitting where I was and I asked him if he had done the homework and what his name is. (I already knew his name, but I wanted him to know mine.) After class, I thought about asking him to go to lunch with me so we could chat but I lost my nerve, thinking that I may coming on too strong. What should my next move be?
Thanks for help and encouragement, guys. You helped alot.
In that case, you should talk to me!
Hey hey hey, who threw that rotten tomato?
Well, then you do have something in common. Is this enough for a relationship? No, but it is enough for a conversation. You can ask him a question about the class, or the homework, or a paper or a test coming up. This is a good reason to see if a conversation starts. If it doesn’t move beyond that, or you get some reason to think that you have nothing in common, then there is no reason to speak to him again. If so, then you can talk to him again.
Boy do YOU sound like FUN~if I promise not to find you attractive maybe you could bring your Thesaurus and we could party like its 1999?!
You bring a thesaurus for me and I will bring a book of grammar and proper punctuation for you.