Happy wife, happy life syndrome


#21

[quote="Kelfa28, post:19, topic:274761"]

My Fiance and I are both in the military. He explained it as the ranking officer is always in charge. However, it's not just possible but expected that the enlisted Sergeant, though clearly lower ranking, may have more years and experience than the ranking officer. A good officer always defers to the experienced Sergeant when he needs to. If he doesn't then he is not being an effective leader.

[/quote]

I find that analogy apt. I tend to lean more towards the "Captain and first officer" or "Chairman/CEO v. COO" but the point is the same.


#22

My now-husband and I also observed the same women-are-shrews-men-are-suckers archetype, just before our marriage. We had a long, detailed, and blessed discussion about what we want our marriage to look like. Shockingly, neither of us were okay with either one of us walking all over the other! :p

We each give 110% in our marriage. It isn't 50-50, and it certainly isn't my husband better dang well give 110% while I sit back eating bon-bons. Mutual respect is what has worked for us.

Another suggestion: why not try, instead of practicing saying the phrase, "yes dear", "yes God"?

Peace to you.


#23

Quite a contrast to our presiding priest who the day before our wedding told me I should try to get my way about some detail (I don’t remember what) because it would be the last time I could tell my husband no. :smiley:

I should say that I find the stereotype of the shrew wife and incompetent husband to be ridiculous as well, but most of the time people really are joking so don’t let it get to you do much. As long as you and your wife are on the same page none of it really matters.


#24

[quote="VeritasLuxMea, post:1, topic:274761"]

I think this stuff is supposed to be a joke, but frankly, I do not find it at all funny. I find it demeaning and wrong.

[/quote]

I agree 100%. As someone else mentioned, the show Everybody Loves Raymond just protrayed Ray as such a bozo it was discusting. No self respecting woman wants that type of a guy.

Or the opposite is also offensive to women ie the insinuation a man needs to give us everything we want so we don't throw a childish tantrum is very offensive.

And.....the only time I think a woman would harp on that joke as if she thinks it is funny is probably trying to say 'You know, my feelings are never being considered so yeah that I get to boss you around' Not a mature way of communicating

I suggesdt telling your wife it bothers you. A good wife would stop

CM


#25

I don’t know if makes me a bad person, but I’d probably make up some outrageous stories that just couldn’t possibly be true, but play it as straight as possible, so that everyone gets a little uncomfortable and changes the subject.


#26

[quote="VeritasLuxMea, post:1, topic:274761"]

So the Priest starts joking with me about how, "You're going to learn that it's easier to just go along with whatever your wife says."

[/quote]

I think I would have been very tempted to say, "Yes, Father, as soon as you get married, you can give me advice!"

;)

That's pretty ironic, a priest giving specific marital advice...

I hate these sorts of stupid stereotypes and in the circumstance, I would either sit there, stone-faced and silent, or come up with some sort of smart-aleck response. And if my hubby actually played along with it? Well, he would get what-for later on!

Seriously, I'd sit with your wife, tell her how offensive you found that joke session, and brainstorm for ways to defuse it next time. Tell a joke, change the subject, drop something on the floor, just distract the conversation away from such nonsense.


#27

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:26, topic:274761"]
I think I would have been very tempted to say, "Yes, Father, as soon as you get married, you can give me advice!"

;)

That's pretty ironic, a priest giving specific marital advice...

I hate these sorts of stupid stereotypes and in the circumstance, I would either sit there, stone-faced and silent, or come up with some sort of smart-aleck response. And if my hubby actually played along with it? Well, he would get what-for later on!

Seriously, I'd sit with your wife, tell her how offensive you found that joke session, and brainstorm for ways to defuse it next time. Tell a joke, change the subject, drop something on the floor, just distract the conversation away from such nonsense.

[/quote]

Thanks. I hope this didn't come across as if I was taking a jab at the Priest or the Pre-Cana couple in question, all 3 of them are excellent people and I do believe they were joking but I still find such jokes in terrible taste! Just IMO.. it's not that it's one incident, it's that I tend to hear these types of things over and over again from all sorts of people.

The reason I singled out the incident with the Pre-Cana couple and Priest is because I really held them to a higher standard and was disappointed in that kind of talk out of their mouths.


#28

What I would have answered in red. I am always quick with a comeback.:rolleyes:

[quote="VeritasLuxMea, post:1, topic:274761"]
This is awhile back, so I'm going to paraphrase because I don't remember everyone's exact words.

A few months after we married, we were sitting around a dinner table with the Priest who presided at our wedding, a couple other family members and one of the Pre Cana couples that instructed us.

So the Priest starts joking with me about how, "You're going to learn that it's easier to just go along with whatever your wife says." "Well lucky for me then, my wife and I talkabout things and she doesn't "say" things to me any more than I would "say" them to her."

He continues, "See, there's an easy way and a hard way, [my name here], the hard way is to try and fight it for hours and lose anyway, the easy way is just to do as she says."
"No, the easy way in the end is to discuss it and decide what is best for both of us no matter what the rest of you do."

The wife in the Pre Cana couple says, "[Her husband's name] has learned the value of the phrase, 'yes, dear.' "And hopefully that is a term both my wife and I will both use every day."

My wife turns to me and says in a joking tone, "That's right and you better get used to it!"
(And yes, here is where you should just smile and talk to her about it at home later. No "comebacks needed at your bride.)

-end of story for the most part.

I hadn't thought about it too much at the time, but there were a number of such conversations (with all sorts of people) leading up to the wedding and even afterwards that followed a similar model - some worse than others.

I think this stuff is supposed to be a joke, but frankly, I do not find it at all funny. I find it demeaning and wrong. And yet I have to sit there and pretend like it's funny or risk offending people. If I speak up and say "Excuse me, that's inappropriate," then I'm treated like a guy who can't take a joke. Excuse me... just because I do not like inappropriate jokes doesn't mean I have a bad sense of humor.

I would not sit there and listen to misogynistic or racist jokes either... but for these ones it has been very difficult to deal with. Like when the former Maid of Honor tried to tell me that my wedding was "all about the bride" and it was "her day," and I tried to explain that it is God's day to sanction our love for each other.

I know others will accuse me of being oversensitive, but I think that's a cop-out. Anyway.. your thoughts?

[/quote]


#29

OP, IMHO you are too sensitive about such issues. You seem to worry too much about whether your wife is getting too much credit/attention because you feel it detracts from you. I am basing this on this post as well as a previous post you had about weddings and the bride getting too much attention.

It is a broader issue in society, but not something you need to take personally if you know in your heart that you already treat her way better than the dumb-bunny, fat-slob "King of Queens" stereotype guy.

A guy who is giving 100% of himself to his wife does very often "give in" to her preferences when it comes to certain issues that may be more important to her than to him, such as what color the living room drapes are, or where to have dinner out on Valentine's Day, or whether to cloth diaper versus use disposables. If you expect a perfect compromise on every issue, what you get is perfect dissatisfaction. There is a bit of "indulging" the wife that goes into every happy marriage. I shouldn't even call it "indulging", it's more along the lines of giving freely. A man who wants to be involved in every.last.detail. of the home is, IMO, a controlling husband who can cause serious psychological damage to the wife.


#30

We’re on different pages here. Where do you see “attention,” being the issue in this thread? Can you go back and provide an example? I think I’ve been pretty clear as to what the real concern is, having stated it numerous times… and attention was not one of them.

It is a broader issue in society, but not something you need to take personally if you know in your heart that you already treat her way better than the dumb-bunny, fat-slob “King of Queens” stereotype guy.

Uh… what? What does this have to do with the way I treat her?

A guy who is giving 100% of himself to his wife does very often “give in” to her preferences when it comes to certain issues that may be more important to her than to him, such as what color the living room drapes are, or where to have dinner out on Valentine’s Day, or whether to cloth diaper versus use disposables. If you expect a perfect compromise on every issue, what you get is perfect dissatisfaction. There is a bit of “indulging” the wife that goes into every happy marriage. I shouldn’t even call it “indulging”, it’s more along the lines of giving freely. .

Maybe I missed the part where I quoted someone as saying, “It’s great to give freely to your wife,” because I wouldn’t have objected to that.

Or, “When it comes to matters of a more feminine bent, it’s usually best to assent to the female touch” because I wouldn’t have objected to that.

How are either of those statements similar to, “the easy way is just to do as she says [in general]”?

IMO, you are severely downplaying what is actually said and then acting like I disagreed with those mild statements you made… that’s not true.


#31

Those are old, tired jokes from another age but if I know that is the finest humor someone can muster I’ll be a good sport, smile politely and change subjects. Sense of humor is a sought-after quality these days : many if not all feel called but unfortunately, relatively few are chosen, and we have to suffer through it more than anything else. Also some people have a skewed vision of reality, everything appears to them in a stereotypical way: women are this way, all children act a certain way etc.


#32

Maybe I am downplaying what is being said. Personally I think it's just like discussing the weather or the type of banter that occurs in a business meeting - trite conversation. I think taking it personally or making a big deal over it signifies a larger problem.

For example, I am quite visibly pregnant, and I cannot tell you how many of the same remarks I hear over and over again that imply I must be crazy to be having a baby. I just shrug them off as people trying to be cute, I don't take them as a personal affront that people assume I am an idiot for becoming a mother or that they think I will be a horrible mother.


#33

These old jokes are a legacy of the days when society expected the man to be the breadwinner and the woman to run the household.

If you believe (as I do) that there are untold unheralded benefits to both the spouses and the children in this arrangement, then you SHOULD heed this advice strongly. One of the most legitimate criticisms of the 60's radical feminists was that men had rigged the entire economic system to give money, honor and glory to themselves while undervaluing women's contributions. They were RIGHT on that end. If a woman chooses to commit her full time life to nurturing kids and providing a family home of order and comfort, she had BETTER get treated like a queen because the pay sure stinks.

If on the other hand, you both plan to abandon that model of family life, then indeed why should she get special treatment? But I choose not to think along those lines since it isn't applicable to my life.

I think the truth of the joke that (to some) makes it funny is that men, by virtue of having more fragile egos, often have a harder time recognizing when it is time to surrender preferences for the sake of love. In my experience, if I don't FEEL like I'm putting in 80% of the effort of making the family work, then an objective observer will rank me at less than 50%. I can't speak for women, but men are rather good at over-estimating their own efforts and under-appreciating those of others.


#34

My thought is that you should lighten up. Goodness, if you are that easily offended you are going to lead a very stressful life! As others have said, as long as you and your wife are on the same page....that's what is important.


#35

[quote="Pax2u, post:34, topic:274761"]
My thought is that you should lighten up. Goodness, if you are that easily offended you are going to lead a very stressful life! As others have said, as long as you and your wife are on the same page....that's what is important.

[/quote]

Go back to the words that were said and replace female and male with white people and black people.

Does that help?


#36

But the words used weren't racial slurs. You asked for our thoughts...I've given you mine. Perhaps you would feel better if you made an appointment and spoke with the priest involved?


#37

[quote="Pax2u, post:36, topic:274761"]
But the words used weren't racial slurs.

[/quote]

Since when is it necessary to use specific slurs to stereotype an entire race, gender, nationality, etc.?

You asked for our thoughts...I've given you mine. Perhaps you would feel better if you made an appointment and spoke with the priest involved?

Probably not, it's bigger than him.


#38

OP,

I understand where you’re coming from, but you probably shouldn’t let this get to you so much. There are sexist jokes and stereotypes toward both men and women: women are bad drivers, blonde girls are dumb, women who marry men with money are gold diggers, etc. Sure, these things are silly and stupid and unfair, but it’s better to see them as what they are: lame juvenile attempts at humor rather than let them get to you.

Could it be the reason this one bothers you so is that you fear your wife may somewhat agree with it?


#39

Frankly, I think the OP should lighten up a bit. The reason why they were chuckling is that it was a joke. A joke with a hint of truth. As any long time happily married man will tell you, sometimes you do just go along to get along. And I’m sure women do the same. It’s called compromise. If you make the other person happy, your life together will be happy. It’s not about women being shrews or keeping men under their thumbs. But do you really need to get your way on every single thing in the marriage? I give in to my wife, she gives in to me. I don’t think there is anything insulting in that, or joking about it. Perhaps you should spend time looking at yourself and working on a sense of humor instead of jousting with windmills at every opportunity.


#40

[quote="thomasf, post:39, topic:274761"]
Frankly, I think the OP should lighten up a bit. The reason why they were chuckling is that it was a joke. A joke with a hint of truth. As any long time happily married man will tell you, sometimes you do just go along to get along. And I'm sure women do the same. It's called compromise. If you make the other person happy, your life together will be happy. It's not about women being shrews or keeping men under their thumbs. But do you really need to get your way on every single thing in the marriage? I give in to my wife, she gives in to me. I don't think there is anything insulting in that, or joking about it. Perhaps you should spend time looking at yourself and working on a sense of humor instead of jousting with windmills at every opportunity.

[/quote]

Which is again, not even close to the stuff I'm describing. But, thanks.


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