Hard time breaking up


#1

So here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We both love and care for each very much, but we seem to fight, A LOT..We both know that we would be better off single, but we are both having a hard time breaking up because our feelings for each other are so strong. We're sort of waiting on the school year to come around so we can ease ourselves out of the relationship. How do two people who love each other very much break up? Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.


#2

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:1, topic:208889"]
So here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We both love and care for each very much, but we seem to fight, A LOT..We both know that we would be better off single, but we are both having a hard time breaking up because our feelings for each other are so strong. We're sort of waiting on the school year to come around so we can ease ourselves out of the relationship. How do two people who love each other very much break up? Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.

[/quote]

In these sort of situations, the question always comes up, is it better to gradually wean oneself off, or "amputate?" The correct answer is amputate. Go cold turkey. Separate peacefully, with no hard feelings, wishing each other the best life has to offer (with someone else, of course).


#3

[quote="Scoobyshme, post:2, topic:208889"]
In these sort of situations, the question always comes up, is it better to gradually wean oneself off, or "amputate?" The correct answer is amputate. Go cold turkey. Separate peacefully, with no hard feelings, wishing each other the best life has to offer (with someone else, of course).

[/quote]

I agree. Amputation is what is really really necessary MOST of the time. I say most because I've heard of others remaining "friends" but not in my experience.

It's just easier to say it isn't working and you probably should cool it for awhile and not talk to eachother till your completely over each other.


#4

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:1, topic:208889"]
So here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We both love and care for each very much, but we seem to fight, A LOT..We both know that we would be better off single, but we are both having a hard time breaking up because our feelings for each other are so strong. We're sort of waiting on the school year to come around so we can ease ourselves out of the relationship. How do two people who love each other very much break up? Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.

[/quote]

Obviously each situation is different and there is no one-size-fits-all answer, but I offer my own advice from my own experience in these types of things.

It sounds like you are already doing the most important thing you can do: pray! Keep it up! :thumbsup: Try to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament often -- every day if possible. This helped me immeasurably through these sorts of romantic upheavals. :o

Secondly, I would say that a clean break is best (and ASAP!). Don't try to be friends right away. If you wish to be friends down the road, you can try (it will be hard!), but it is very beneficial to have that time away from each other to really re-learn what it means to be your own person. If you're constantly in contact with him (via email, texting, hanging out, etc.), it is very hard to really move on. Even if both of you are convinced that you are moving on, remaining in contact makes it hard to genuinely put into practice.

Next, I would advise that you get involved in some activities that put you in touch with new people. Get involved with the local Catholic group. Do something. This has the dual purpose of helping you make new friends and also not allowing you time to dwell on the past relationship. Of course, this is what every young person should be doing anyway so as to be of service to the wider community and also to explore your interests.

God bless! I will pray for you.


#5

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:1, topic:208889"]
So here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We both love and care for each very much, but we seem to fight, A LOT..We both know that we would be better off single, but we are both having a hard time breaking up because our feelings for each other are so strong. We're sort of waiting on the school year to come around so we can ease ourselves out of the relationship. How do two people who love each other very much break up? Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.

[/quote]

I wish anyone could say a magic word/phrase or sentence that would make the pain go away. If it where only that easy.

The Wizard of Oz said it best when he said to the Tin Man, (who wanted a heart), "You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will only be practical when they are unbreakable." He was so right about that.

I'm 30, and I've been on both ends. I've had long break ups, short break ups, pseudo-break ups, devastating break ups, and thankful break ups. I've been the one being broken up with, and the one doing the breaking. It's so hard, and it's one of the few things that don't get better with age.

I'm praying for you, dear one. This is just one of those hard life experiences that we all go through.


#6

I agree with the other posters that going cold turkey is best. Trying to be friends with him is only going to prolong the agony and tempt you to get back with him even though it may not be best.
When I broke up with my college boyfriend, I thought I would have a hard time getting over him, but surprisingly I felt really good soon after the break up. I felt free, and more true to myself because his being an athiest was starting to drag me out of a relationship with God. I was able to get back to God and I felt great. If your relationship is toxic with lots of fighting, anger, and hurt, you will almost certainly feel better and more peaceful after you both go your seperate ways. Just continue to pray and take the plunge.


#7

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:1, topic:208889"]
So here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We both love and care for each very much, but we seem to fight, A LOT..We both know that we would be better off single, but we are both having a hard time breaking up because our feelings for each other are so strong. We're sort of waiting on the school year to come around so we can ease ourselves out of the relationship. How do two people who love each other very much break up? Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.

[/quote]

It is hard, but you have to just break it off. Prolonging the inevitable with only prolong the pain. I wouldn't wait for the school year to start. There is blessings in the pain of a breakup, a lot of lessons to be learned. I had a very, very hard breakup with the guy I dated before I met my husband. I didn't think I would ever feel "normal" again. I learned so much about myself during that time and now with many years between that breakup and now I know God was talking to me the whole time. I prayed a lot, went to adoration a lot.

I too was scared because the relationship had taken up a lot of my time and I didn't have many friends because of that. I was lonely for a bit, but gradually I became active again in the social activities I had neglected while I was dating the ex boyfriend, and I also found new interests and freinds as well.

All in all I would say it took about five months to finally feel really good again. Someone once told me it takes a month for every year you were together or a week for every month you were together, or something like that, to get over the breakuup. God was right there with me, guiding me the whole time. If I hadn't gone through that difficult time, I wouldn't have learned what I needed to know about myself. And about six months after the break up, I met the man that I married. Of course if I hadnt broken up with the ex, I wouldn't have met my husband, BUT just as important, I was such a different person because of the breakup that if I had met my husband any earlier, I wouldn't have been ready for him or our relationship.


#8

[quote="PatriceA, post:7, topic:208889"]
Someone once told me it takes a month for every year you were together or a week for every month you were together, or something like that, to get over the breakuup.

[/quote]

That's funny, I was told that it takes half the time you dated to get over the break up. :p That seems a bit long for longer relationships, though. :o


#9

[quote="PatriceA, post:7, topic:208889"]
And about six months after the break up, I met the man that I married. Of course if I hadnt broken up with the ex, I wouldn't have met my husband,

[/quote]

Same here! I went on eHarmony three months after we broke up, and within a week I was paired with my future husband. He had been on there for years with no luck and was weeks away from cancelling his membership. If I had lingered with my ex for even just a few more months, I would not be married now. It's a scary thought! So, don't linger in a bad relationship. You're just holding yourself back from the one God meant for you.


#10

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:1, topic:208889"]
So here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We both love and care for each very much, but we seem to fight, A LOT..We both know that we would be better off single, but we are both having a hard time breaking up because our feelings for each other are so strong. We're sort of waiting on the school year to come around so we can ease ourselves out of the relationship. How do two people who love each other very much break up? Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.

[/quote]

:( You will be in my prayers.

I had a year and a half relationship like yours. I truly loved the guy and still do, but I know with certainty we could not make the relationship work, that we just weren't right for each other. It hurts b/c I really WANTED everything to work out. Some things just aren't meant to be though. You said you know you'd be better off single, so hang onto that feeling and never let yourself forget it. And give yourself plenty of time to grieve. It's been about 8 months since I ended things with my ex-bf and it still hurts thinking about it sometimes although it's getting better. IMO it's so much harder when you can't muster up any hate for the other person as your reason to leave (not that you should... i'm not condoning that approach.)

Just hang in there and know that since you have a strong faith, this will be easier for you than for some who don't have that extra spiritual support. I've gone through bad breakups with and without God and everything is easier WITH God. :thumbsup:


#11

I agree with the other posters here. One thing I'd like to add, however is this: How you behave while dating is most likely going to be how you'd be with one another when you're married. Marriage is hard, hard work sometimes. If you're both fighting now without the pressures of careers, a home, children, etc. then it's not likely to improve if you marry.

Prayers and more prayers for you. I know this is hard and it hurts. But, perhaps God is trying to open another door for both you and your boyfriend. Let Him lead you. God Bless.


#12

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:1, topic:208889"]
...
Another problem is I don't have very many friends where I live, so when we break up I am going to be alone most of the time. (I have been praying about this and I know it has helped a lot) I would just like a little advice from someone! Thanks so much.

[/quote]

You need to meet other people ASAP and get involved in activities. There are probably a lot of activities at Church. Playing tennis or another sport might be a good route too.


#13

Thank you so much everyone. I really would LOVE to find some good, Christian/Catholic friends for once. I have been hanging around the wrong crowd for awhile, but my heart has changed a lot since then. Thank you so much for all the prayers, I really need and appreciate them.:o


#14

Just a question, aren't youth groups for teenagers? Do Churches offer any groups for people around my age? I am 21.


#15

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:14, topic:208889"]
Just a question, aren't youth groups for teenagers? Do Churches offer any groups for people around my age? I am 21.

[/quote]

They do in my diocese. Does your diocese have a website? If they do, do some searching. You might call your parish office and see if they have any information they can provide. I know of at least three different groups in my diocese that caters to the over 21 crowd.


#16

[quote="kittycatmeow, post:14, topic:208889"]
Just a question, aren't youth groups for teenagers? Do Churches offer any groups for people around my age? I am 21.

[/quote]

Most parish "youth groups" are geared towards teenagers. You would need to look for things billed as "young adult". :)

If you're in school, though, I would look into the campus Catholic group. Most public state schools have some time of Catholic club (usually with "Newman" somewhere in the title).


closed #17

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