Hardest thing


#1

These last two years have been so hard. More so than the years before. I was raised as a Catholic, and really enjoy the faith of being a Catholic. I got married when I was 26 to another Catholic. I thought this was a good foundation. BUT I was so wrong.

From the very beginning my marriage showed major flaws. From the 3rd month we had seen our first marriage councellor. I could not understand what could be so wrong when two people should love each other. I prayed...people prayed for us. We kept ending in such lows. At one stage my husband wanted to commit suicide.

I am afraid of him and his moods. My mother, before she passed away, told me to leave him. With her strength, I did just that about 2 years ago. I was at my end. I was exhausted from emotional turmoil and being the only parent in the household. After 2 weeks of him mvoing out, I begged him to come back.

My husband can be caring and loving BUT he has no sense of resposibility and acts like a child...even thinks like a child. I find I have to be the caretaker. This has always put a burden on me. My one son is ADD, and my other son is severly ADHD.

It is through them, that I realised that my husband was also ADHD. I did not realise the extent this played on our relationship until just recently. I thought adults grew out of it, but I was so wrong.

After going through 4 marriage councellors, one through the Church, as well as attending Retrouvaille, we still cannot make it work. I have no respect left, and I do not love him anymore. I am scared because my anger is so great. I pray everyday that God gives me strength and not to hate him so much.

Much of my faith has been that God will give you only things you can handle. A marriage is a sacrement. But when do I say NO. I cannot even handle him touching me, nevermind Sex. I have asked him to leave. Otherwise I will lose my sanity. My kids are not doing well either in the current environment.

Please help me understand the Catholic teachings behind separation/ divorce and emotional abuse?? I need to find peace.


#2

Why does your husband not want to take medications to help him? It would seem to me to be one way to approach the problem other than get a divorce.

ADHD is not an excuse for abuse. My husband has ADD and can have a short temper but he has never abused me.


#3

My husband has been seeing a physcologist for 2 years now and has never once suggested Meds. I am not allowed any contact with this person at all. I have to trust in my husband to communicate. I tried once and got the door shut in my face. This has nothing to do with me.


#4

You should seek the advice of a wise and holy priest. You do not have to remain in an abusive marriage.


#5

ADHD isn’t an impediment to marriage, per se, but it certainly can be. “For better or worse” depends on “better” or even just “OK” having been a reasonable possibility. I would expect that it is generally true that a person in your situation will have satisfied herself that her attempt at marriage was doomed from the start, because of a pre-existing condition in her husband that experience has taught cannot reasonably be expected to respond to treatment such that a peaceful household is possible. It would seem impossible to argue that he had sufficient psychological resources to undertake marriage when you made your vows. You would seem to have done more than enough to try to prove the contrary. Every case is different, and every marriage is presumed valid until proven otherwise, but immediate separation could very well be the most ethical course in your case. None of these cases are the kind of thing that can be decided without guidance from people who actually know you and have a pastoral office in your life.

This is the canon law that you are probably interested in, with regards to your case. Talk to a priest, OK? If you need anything in terms of permission from your bishop for a separation and divorce in good conscience, or the process of seeking a decree of nullity afterward, should that be in order, that is something your pastor would go through with you. He would also be able to tell you about whether you can separate immediately, to avoid any further emotional damage to you.

Can. 1095 The following are incapable of contracting marriage:

1/ those who lack the sufficient use of reason;

2/ those who suVer from a grave defect of discretion of judgment concerning the essential matrimonial rights and duties mutually to be handed over and accepted;

3/ those who are not able to assume the essential obligations of marriage for causes of a psychic nature.

**Art. 2.

SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING**

**Can. 1151 **Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

**§2. **In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

**Can. 1154 **After the separation of the spouses has taken place, the adequate support and education of the children must always be suitably provided.


#6

[quote="ruannelloyd, post:3, topic:242070"]
My husband has been seeing a physcologist for 2 years now and has never once suggested Meds. I am not allowed any contact with this person at all. I have to trust in my husband to communicate. I tried once and got the door shut in my face. This has nothing to do with me.

[/quote]

Psychologists cannot prescribe unless they are working under the auspices of a psychiatrist, an M.D. Why is your husband seeing the psychologist?


#7

Run…wow that’s your FIRST PROBLEM! Psychologists only do talk therapy…he needs a chemical he’s missing in the BRAIN. That requires a PSYCHIATRIST…not a psychologist. Seek the right help and deal with the chemical imbalance in his brain, and things may get way better!

I will be praying for you. I’m a manic depressive, and understand triggers, rapid cycling behavior, with extreme ups and downs. Please, realize your husband is SICK…Remember that vow, “through sickeness and in health?” Here’s the sickness part girl…seek a christian Psychiatrist, and see what they can do for you. Don’t give up yet.

Cat


#8

Thank you for all your replies.
I will seek the guidance of the a priest.

My husband suffered from bouts of depression. When we separated the last time, I asked him to see someone. Things like low self-esteem , to not being a father to his kids. It was like having a need childy, who needed constant attention.

A year ago, when my mother past away, I also started seeing a councellor. I had no support from my husband. He just added more stress and despair in my life. I felt like I was losing my sanity and my ability to love. I became so scared of showing emotions. It seemed like he always hijacked mine. His emotions were always more intense.

I fear his emotions and the underlying anger within him. I knew I could not help him, and prayed someone else would my some miracle help him.

Now I see no hope. My heart is distraught because I prayed for so many years.

I know I had my issues as well. I did not address issues, and rather took it upon myself to do tasks. After time, I could not mamange the anger anymore and lashed out.
I became controlling, which I was fully aware of. I tried to do the "It is his issue", but that made me grow so distant.

He felt like I did not care. I felt I had to let him go in order for him to start taking responsibility.

I have not felt loved and cared for for so many years. Even though he will do something fro me, I battle to trust the action. If I do not give something back, then he is distraught.


#9

Cat…he has ALSO seen a psychiatrist. He was on anti- depressants for a while. My husband decided to stop taking the meds and stop seeing the psychiatrist as well. Money issue was his excuse.

I have no control, and prayed for intervention. For that miracle. I thought that when we separated, that might frighten him to do something.

He does not want to believe that he is SICK. He prefers to believe I am SICK.

When I tried to explain to him that the children feel the same way as I do, that they are scared of him, he denied everything. When he asks the kids, they lie to him, because they are too scared to tell the truth.

It is like watching an innocent child that has not been taught basics in life. He does not know what he is doing?


#10

I am sorry for you losing your mommy...that's gotta make this 10 times more difficult. Also having 2 children with the same problem as their father, really makes it so you have 3 children. That's a TOUGH cross girl. You have a right to have shut down, and you have a right to feel abused. However, don't forget you're not the only one hurting. Your husband knows you are fed up and he feels helpless to do anything about it. He cannot control the nero synapses, and how much dopamine, serotonin, and neuron transmitters are being filled or not filled, however you cannot control the lack of his ability to see beyond himself. it's definately a tough thing. Can i ask if you've prayed with him? Have you learned to identify triggers that set him off on emotional tantrums? There are still somethings my fiancee knows not to let me do. IF someone dies, me being left to notify everyone doesn't happen anymore. My fiancee calls and tells people for me. Because the trigger instantly leads to anger and despair. just my 2 cents..i understand your tired, and that's right where the Devil wants you to be. IS this man violent? IF he is, that changes everything and you need to get out immediately. However, if he's not, and he's just explosive emotionally, it just means he's really sick. Mental illness is a tough thing, however humans still are creatures of habit with it. God bless you for trying to hold this together. It's not an easy road.


#11

It is for those exact words that I have remained in this marriage "for better or worse".
BUT I can see this is taking its toll on my kiddos.


#12

(sigh) if he refuses to acknowledge the problem, then there's no solution dear. i'm sorry hon. I don't think there's a single tribunal out there that wouldn't grant you an annulment under the circumstances. It's like a druggie, alcoholic or sex addict. They cannot get to any of the other steps of recovery until they acknowledge, "Houston, we have a problem."


#13

Run..however, if you do seperate, deal with your hate and love him for the pitiful person he is. Don't demonize him to your children, because that will shape them as well. As they grow they realize their parent is sick. I realized my mother was sick, without anyone telling me she was crazy.)


#14

We have prayed together. Did our daily readings together. We still attend church every week.

My husband did a life in the spirit seminar, and fel he could not complete it. He did not feel clear. Satan has def. attacked this marriage.

When we attended Retrouvalille 2 years ago, I had hope. The program is excellent. For things not to improve even after that, then I do not know anymore.


#15

I just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you and your family. I have mental illness in my family as well and it can be a true cross. I wanted to suggest frequent confession and a daily rosary as well as regular Sunday mass. God will help you with your anger if you come to Him and seek His forgiveness. Your anger is something you can and should work on, as it gets in the way of healing you and enabling you to have the strength to work through these huge problems. Please remember that the more you cling to God and the sacraments, the more strength and clarity you will have to see you through this. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless.


#16

I feel like I am left with no choice…I cannot continue like this. I am angry because of this. Maybe I am angry with God to. I do not know what He wants from me.


#17

We kept ending in such lows. At one stage my husband wanted to commit suicide.

I am afraid of him and his moods. My mother, before she passed away, told me to leave him. With her strength, I did just that about 2 years ago. I was at my end. I was exhausted from emotional turmoil and being the only parent in the household. After 2 weeks of him mvoing out, I begged him to come back.

ADHD would not make a person want to commit suicide. I would be far more concerned about bipolar disorder...in which case, your husband needs a psychiatrist and not a psychologist. Without appropriate medication, your relationship will not improve. However getting him to receive treatment may not be possible. Many individuals with bipolar disorder enjoy their periods of mania and hypomania.

An untreated psychiatric issue should be appropriate grounds for annulment.

The following statement may get me into trouble here, but while I as a Catholic understand the importance of the sacrament of marriage, my perspective as a physician makes me doubt that you are doing yourself or your children any favors by remaining in such an unstable marriage. Even without taking into consideration the fact that psychiatric disorders have genetic tendencies, I can promise you that chaos breeds chaos. Children in environments created by untreated psychiatric disorders do not fare well.


#18

What husband tells his wife she must leave the house as he cannot take things anymore, and then blames her for taking it too far when she calls the police.

This is what transpired a week ago.
I sat in church today and could not stop crying.


#19

Would his psycologist not pick something up and recommend that he go see a psychiatrist? I believe he is bi-polar too.

When he is happy - he overdoes it. I never know what his moods will be like. All I know that are extremely intense.


#20

WOW definitely a manic depressive....He's got trigger, and it sounds like he's rapid cycling. However, even if they get him diagnosed, he's gotta admit there's a problem and agree to do behavior modification and boundary discernment. I think separation till he get's treatment is the key. That doesn't mean a divorce, just means separation for God to work in him, without becoming co dependent on you. Me and my fiancee did that for a year when our son was born. I was just not coping with all the hormone changes. After I found a good mood stabalizer, things got better.

I will keep praying for you. God wants you to take the cross and carry it, whatever actions that may mean. pray....and pray with HIM. nothing helps heal hurt feelings and anger like prayer.


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