Has anyone dealt with addictions in the marriage?


#1

Just wondering this question, as I fear I am addicted to Scotch, after suffering for years with a husband who has been addicted to porno and masterbation.

I am not addicted to wine, or all alcohol. When I feel good, am travelling, am visiting family, I am fine, but when I am alone, I drink. I can do without it, and do not have to drink every day, but most days, when my kids are in school, and I am home alone and faced with the drudgery of my life, this is the story. I have a happy marriage, I think, despite this problems. It is different in America, as there is so much sex and temptation at every turn, discouraging for a marriage and for a family, as we are of 9.

Any suggestions?


#2

Welcome to CAF. You have come to the right place for great advice.

I don’t have direct experience with addiction (my father was an alcoholic), but my first suggeston is to stay busy when you’re alone. Find some place to go or something to keep your mind busy. As in my father’s case, he drank to kill the pain of childhood experiences and insecurity. You need to find out WHY you’re drinking. People who drink alone do so for a REASON. When you conquer that REASON, your drinking problem will most likely disappear.


#3

As a recovering alcoholic with 23+ years of sobriety, I’ll say that you have taken the first step by admitting you may have a problem. Please get yourself involved in Alcoholics Anonymous, find yourself a good sponsor, and rejoice in the changes that God can and will make in your life.


#4

My husband also was addicted, for years!, to the same as your husband. Throw in 1/4 bottle of Tequila for him every night too.
I left him. I could take the humiliation and abuse no more.
You are drinking because it is your coping mechanism.
See a spiritual counsler - yesterday.


#5

Sigh…please do NOT be offended at what I am about to type.

I also used that “I drink only Scotch, so I have no problem with alcohol” excuse. I also said “I can do without it”. PLEASE, call your local AA Central Office and ask for meetings near to you. Forget your husband for now…you cannot help him or anybody else until you have helped yourself.

And you HAVE reached out for help. That is a very good way to start the road to recovery. God Bless You


#6

ummm…Yes…both me and my ex. I have been sober for 28 years but my ex could not maintain sobriety for more than 8 yrs at a time. I would say the same thing everyone else has said…get help from a group like AA. The biggest thing that helped me was that I never wanted my kids to see me drunk or even drinking 1 drink. My oldest is 20 almost 21 now and I worry about him drinking with this family history so we talk about it. He knows how I feel but chooses what he wants to do. I can’t force my will on him so I don’t.

My ex on the other hand, tried to stay sober but if you took his alcohol away, he would find anything else…including son’s ritalin or benedryl, yes benedryl!!! Finally he left us and to be truthful, I was relieved.


#7

**

Thank you very much for the reponses. I tend to agree with the first person who responded to me. In that she said most likely out of boredom do I drink more than I should, and i need to stay busy. Also because of a self-esteem issue i suppose to. I know I am not an alcoholic as i can take it or leave it, so staying forever away and attending AA meetings and such is not so much of a good idea. This i think AA is for people who have to drink daily. This is not me, just when we are not vacationing and life is so boring. We drink alot of wine together in our family, and this is very nice, i would not want to do without this forever, like alcoholics i suppose need to “stay on the wagon” they say. This, to me is a bit extreme.

i know i must work on issues of happiness and fulfillment. it is very hard with so many in the house. how i crave relaxation. When I am relaxed, i do not turn to scotch, only when i’m completely frazzled. Many of you might know the feeling if you also have large households. Anyway, yes, i will work on doing something constructive for myself these days. For the past 20 years i have been concentrating on everybody else, and might have lost my own self. i don’t feel i need counseling as much as a new hobby or something. thank you again. i will work on this, this week.
:slight_smile:


#8

Have you ever looked into art or music?


#9

Bored? In a house of *nine *people, keeping you frazzled? A happy marriage in which you “need” Scotch sometimes and he “needs” masterbation and porn once in awhile. Is this really all adding up?

I have felt this way. I was depressed. Not depressed enough to try suicide, but too proud to ask for help. I didn’t turn to Scotch. I turned to food. Ok, sometimes distractions…sometimes even this forum. The danger sign is when you’re not turning to God or support from other people. The danger is when you’re trying to do it yourself. Even if you’re trying to do it yourself for God, you are out in left field. There is a Body of Christ because God wants you to depend on others.

You can’t do it yourself. Nobody can. You did the right thing by coming here. Don’t go back to facing your problems alone. Find someone with skin on to bounce things off of, someone outside your own drama, someone to give you a new perspective, someone who will challenge you on whether you are being realistic with yourself.

There is nothing to be lost by seeking counselling. When you are a perfectly sane, normal, functional person, they call it spiritual direction…and the line is not so bright as many think.


#10

My mother died at the age of 61 from alcohol abuse. Her BAC limit was just insane. She died alone, drinking while no one was in the house while I came home from work to find her in bed.

I really hope you can overcome this problem. Drinking is bad enough, but drinking alone is a serious problem you need to seek help as soon as possible. I really can’t stress this enough.

Don’t take what God has given you for granted, your own life.

Seek help and do it quickly before things get to be a serious problem.

-Andrew


#11

As for your husband, there is help available.

If he is ready have him check out, www.trueknights.org


#12

Thank you so much for asking! Yes. i am no good at art, but am a music lover for sure. Matter of fact, i took 2 of my sons to the Opera recently which was indeed very splendid. We enjoyed it very much.

Thank you for asking. i know as many say, i “must do something for myself,” “seek counseling” , as a woman and as a mom, which i have not done in years. This is a good thing. As long as it does not deter from my home and family. Many might say as already some do, that i come first. i do not believe this. i believe my family comes first. I will do anything to make sure they are happy, and that i am doing God’s will, by being a wife and mother. It seems in this country, the “I” coming first seems to take priority. Many say drop anything, divorce your husband, for the sake of you being happy. They say “I did it”, and “you can too”. That YOU need to come first. i do not see this. i see life and what it is important as a sacrifice to Lord Jesus. i see the virtue of long-suffering, as a much needed one.

i know i need to attend to myself however, and this i will do. it is very hard having so many to attend to. i feel i will go nuts alot of days. Do anybody feel this way? what do you do about it? Thank goodness a travel date arises for me soon. And i have house help, so i need not complain. It is just still very hard to maintain the home.

Thanks to all you for replies.


#13

Oh, my yes, I have felt this way. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could give you a hug.

If you are feeling nuts alot of days, then you are fooling yourself if you think you are being the best wife and mother that you can be. It is not that I blame you. It’s that I want you to see that while you have the best of intentions and putting out every effort you have and then some, you are using means that will not work. Quit being so proud and get the help that you need.

Do you know what my pastor told me? He said, “Have you ever been on an airplane? Do you remember what the flight attendants tell you to do if the cabin loses pressure and the little oxygen masks come down? Put on your own mask first, then help your little ones. This is not because the airlines want you to put yourself before your kids. It is because you can’t help them correctly if your brain is not working correctly.”

None of us are suggesting that you neglect your children. No one who loves you wants a self-centered life for you. Far from it. There is no joy in that.

I, for one, am telling you that my children have commented on how much better our family life is lately. My husband has commented on it. It has been because I have finally consented to the reality that I need a certain amount of care to function. I have so much more to give them than I ever have before. The house even looks better.

Do not lose any time. For the sake of your children, if not for yourself, get help.

If that doesn’t convince you, ask yourself this: we all say we are nothing without God. What do we mean by that, if we insist we need no outside help, or even if we can’t cope with it if God made us to need more outside help than some other women need? If God chose to make you so that you need help, then that is how he made you. He does not make mistakes. Trust God, and ask for help.


#14

Don’t buy Scotch. Don’t bring it in the house. Sounds too simplistic, but hey, it’s worth a shot (no pun intended). (Ok, so maybe it was intended a little bit). My mom was a severe alcoholic for nearly twenty years. She had to stop drinking completely to get it under control. Her choice drink was vodka. It took about six years for her to really take back control over her life, and she’s still not totally on the wagon cuz she has a LOT of prescription drugs. She also started with boredom, I’m sure.

Keep an eye on yourself. Don’t let yourself get drunk, there’s no need for that. Remember temperance is a virtue. Deliberate drunkeness is a sin worthy of confession. Only two or three glasses of any alcoholic beverage should be enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy. If you’re regularly taking more than that (even if it’s not every day), that’s a problem. You should more often take one drink and stop than take many and get drunk before you stop. That’s a good rule of thumb.

I never bring home cookies or crackers. Can’t control myself. Keep the Scotch out of the house. Start there and see if it works.


#15

Berta–I recall reading a few years back that there is a growing body of research into moderation as an alternative to total abstinence for people who are “problem drinkers” but not alcoholics. Perhaps you can “google” and find out more.


#16

Thank you beesweet for your nice post. i think perhaps this is something to consider–only my husband buys it–not me. He likes one drink after a hard day’s work. i know where it is, and go for it when i am feeling frazzled.

i am decided however, to try to keep it under control, just as of late. i know i must think of more worthy work than to let myself become so frazzled. i just don’t know how to do it? i seem to not have the energy for friendships as i have such a busy home. i do not and have not had the time for much, although yes, i would like to. how i wish i knew some more women friends, but with such a large household, it has been hard to “make time” as you say for me.

i hear you what you say about not having the cookies and crackers and sweets in your home if this is your vice. it makes sense, out of sight, out of mind. i do think other distractions are needed, such as reading and going to mass.

just now, all my little ones are in school. i am home alone. the maid is here, cleaning up, and i am feeling so sad. my husband works long and is a good provider, yet i am very lonely. i do not have energy to go out, after making seven lunches this morning, and driving many to their schools. Then when they return, it is one project after another. i know the catholic church says have many children, but the toll it takes on the mom is un-precedented. i have aged 20 years in the past 20 years. i feel there is no way out of this hard life that i have. and that this is just something God gave me to endure in this life, and endure i must. Many say, i need counseling. I disagree. Is this the common thing one recommends in this day and age YOU need counseling? i wonder did generations before us refer one to counseling? i doubt it. they endured what their life brought. i do thank the person who said art and music are a relief. i have found this to be true, as our family loves music. Two of my sons are in a band, and it is beautiful. And we have season tickets to the Opera and other functions around here. This is my saving grace really, music, and fine books, for what? maybe 15 minutes at night. Our church says be open to many children, yes, but they do not tell us moms, how to survive amongst this.


#17

I’d be more concerned if you didn’t :stuck_out_tongue:

I’d recommend talking to your priest about this. I don’t think everyone needs counseling, but you seam very stressed. You need something other than booze. To say that you can handle it is prideful, remember Jesus needed help to carry His cross as well.


#18

In generations before, you would have had lots of other women all around you. Not just women your own age. Older women, women who played dolls with your mom, and who watched you play dolls with their daughters, women who knew all about you. Quilting together, harvesting together, cleaning church together…the list goes on and on. You would have had wise women to talk to! If you didn’t tell them your problems, they probably would still have known, and they would have asked. You wouldn’t have slipped the scotch thing past them. You wouldn’t have been able to hide your sadness from them. You can’t hide in a tight community like that.

What was the very first thing that Our Lady did after the Annunciation? She went, in haste, to visit her kinswoman, Elizabeth, and she stayed for three months.

Our culture has us disconnected from each other. We have to go out and find what in healthier days was a part of everyday life. We don’t need it any less for that. We need it more.

This is not some new-age thing. It is an age-old thing. It is, in fact, the way we were made. As I like to say, we are not imperfect. We are incomplete. We are not whole without God, but we are also not whole unless we realize that our lives depend on our brothers and sisters.

We are the Body of Christ because we need each other to find God. We need each other to live. Go to your pastor, and find help. It is not in a scotch bottle, and you know it, or you would not have started this thread.

At the very least, try this: the next time you find the scotch bottle calling you, go to Our Lady, and let her take you into her arms, and cry on her lap. She will tell you the very same thing.


#19

I have been a sober member of AA since May 4, 1992. I happen to think you are right - you probably are not an alcoholic. Social drinkers worry about what they drink and how much they drink all the time.

I also happen to believe you when you say you can take it or leave it…so if you can do this, then it is not a problem. Leave it. Afterall, you say you care about your children and being a good parent. If you are drinking out of boredom you are being a lousy parent. So, stop it. If you are not an alcoholic, and I happen to agree with you, then you won’t have any problem. You won’t drink because you are bored, or because you have self-esteem issues, or because you need it as a coping mechanism. You will simply stop, because you said you can take it or leave it.

In our Big Book of AA we suggest that if you think you can, you leave alcohol alone for say one year. If you are truly not an alcoholic then you will have absolutely no problem not drinking for a year. Many of us, in our early days of alcoholism, could stop drinking for months at a time. But few, if any, could actually stay sober for one full year.

So, get to work, you can do it…you said you do not have a real problem…stop buying Scotch, stop drinking and good luck!


#20

Thank you so much my friend BLBOregonian. I did just this today when i was feeling so overwhelmed with all my children screaming and carrying on just upon awakening this a.m.early barely out of bed---- i turned to Our Lady, viewed her Sacred Heart poster, and asked a prayer, put on my miraculous medal, and promised Her, I’d pray the Rosary more diligently than ever before. Then i was calm, it this the spirit of God? i think so. i know so. it is a joy to know that we, as Catholics are not alone in this life, but that we have prayers, from others, from intecessors, etc. Unfortunately when i married long ago, i did not know the state of my husband; i fear he was not/is not a true believer. even this day i doubt he is, and his example to our children, this i wonder too. but obey our Lord and follow i must do, for all i can do anyway. i cannot hold to another’s responsibility before God, can i? But what i can do, i will do.

thank you BL:B oregonian for your thoughts for me today.


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