so recently I’ve been going through a difficult time spiritually. I don’t know exactly what it is. But although I’ve gone through trials in the past, I could always sense that they were trials and that God was still with me. Now, I feel like I’ve walked away from Him without intending to, but don’t know how to come back. it’s almost like something is blocking me from Him. It’s been pretty painful really.
It all started last week when I started to worry about my future. Sometimes I worry, but God always gives me the grace to trust Him sooner or later. Last week however, I just kept on worrying and didn’t pray as much as I needed to. So that distanced me from God and I guess it made me vulnerable to what came after.
For the past several months, I’ve been more or less able to keep my mind on God. But last week, after all the worrying, I felt completely distracted. I started thinking about worldly things. Not bad things but it didnt help me, it only made things worse.
Then, something bad happened at home (though things were improving before) and that discouraged me so much and I started worrying again…
and that’s when the sins started. sigh
it’s like I lost control of myself and was descending a downward spiral. First it was venial, habitual sins, then more serious ones…
On Saturday I went to Confession… had a good talk with the priest but still felt completely distracted. It almost seemed that God wasn’t “real” to me anymore. I still believed in God…I didn’t doubt and I wasn’t tempted toward atheism. But He wasn’t real to me in a personal way. He just didn’t mean anything to me anymore so heartbreaking to say this…
I didn’t want to stay away from the Eucharist even in that state. I decided that since I went to Confession it was safe for me to receive Communion, and I needed the strength and the grace that comes with it. But during Mass, I was completely distracted once more… I couldn’t pray… during the hymn and the responsorial psalms, I found myself thinking about music lessons and such. When the time came for Communion…and when I had received Jesus… it wasn’t like before. I felt myself UNABLE to love Him in my heart, as much as I tried. I know we should not rely on feelings… but I found that I couldn’t even control my will as before. Usually even if I don’t feel anything I still CHOOSE to love Him. At that moment, I couldn’t even choose. Then to my horror I started doubting the Real Presence!!! This hasn’t happened to me ever since I started believing in it (as a Protestant) around a year and a half ago. I left Mass with great confusion in my heart. I was afraid that I had offended God in some way.
Then, on Sunday… I had meant to make a little “retreat” and read spiritual books. But before then, I took a walk with mom in the park. Usually after Communion I feel so at peace and I don’t sin… but I felt no peace at all. During my conversation with mom, I started noticing that I was interrupting her and saying some arrogant things, that I didn’t even mean to say at first… eventually it became sort of an argument. I got upset.
Also on Sunday I sinned…and it was probably a mortal sin. It was the exact same sin that I had confessed on Saturday and for which I was so sorry for!!!
Yesterday I just broke down before God and cried and asked Him, what is happening here…what is wrong??? It was brought to my mind that I was thinking too much of other things… that I was making little effort to bring my mind back to God. I had the impression that I was being judgemental of others and too lenient with myself. After I admitted this and decided to talk to the priest about this at my next Confession, it’s like I felt a great burden lift off me. I felt so much better.
But today, I still feel so distracted. I can’t seem to ‘connect’ with God at all, if you know what I mean. He still doesn’t seem real to me like He was before… I remember several months ago…I found it so easy to pray, to love God, to want to love others, I was growing in my relationship with our Blessed Mother and …most of all, I just CARED about my relationship with God. I really felt that I cared. I made lots of mistakes… really, I sin a lot… but I never stopped caring. I felt that Jesus was my bestest ever Friend. That He was all that truly matters in my life. I found it easier to love Him, I WANTED to love Him.
I feel that all that is gone now. It really hurts… I dont’ understand! I know that when it’s difficult to pray, we should still pray, and such prayers please God. I also know that this might be God humbling me. So I will pray tonight for sure and I’ll say the Rosary.
But …I’m just wondering, has anyone here ever been in a similar situation? How, just how, do you come back to God when you feel like you’re UNABLE to? It’s almost like I don’t even have enough grace to WANT to come back… I’m kind of scared now.
sorry this is so long. If you’ve read the whole thing…thanks
I just thought I’d ask here, and I’ll talk to my priest as soon as I can.