Have I completely ruined my view of women due to sin?


#1

I must admit upfront, this is rather embarrassing to write and honestly as I am writing this I am tempted to masturbate and give into temptation. I am fighting the urge but in the back of my mind I just want to delete this post and go masturbate. Please read:

Backstory: I am 20YO college Catholic male who prays the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet daily, Daily Mass, Adoration… lots of other stuff.

I have never had a GF and one of the things I pray for all the time is to find my future wife in God’s time if that is His will. I don’t talk to females that often, mainly just in class and sure they smile and laugh but I don’t talk with them outside of class. Well, I was walking to the library about 20 minutes ago and this really attractive girl from two of my classes walked out of the library and we have an essay due tomorrow so I asked her how her essay went and we talked for about 5 minutes on it, she was smiling and laughing which is all good. Afterwards she said “see ya later Matt!”

A normal person would walk away thinking that was a good conversation, I’m glad it happened, and then go on with their business. Literally the first thought that came into my mind was “oh man I need to go masturbate this out, she has a FaceBook, let me pull up her profile pic.”

That is such a bad thing to think and it shows clearly how in the back of my mind, I don’t respect women. I have masturbated and viewed pornographic images since I was 12YO so its been a major struggle for me. Like I wrote, I’m very tempted to just delete this post and go masturbate to exactly what I said I thought… But I know this is very wrong and I am fighting the temptation. Is my mind so damaged that this is what I think when I talk to attractive females now? Not that, that was a good conversation and she is nice but rather I want to go masturbate to her picture??

Sorry for the graphic details. Your Brother in Christ, Matt


#2

PM me. I have been in your shoes. I am still tempted though I am married but have not given in.


#3

Yes. Your view of women is problematic. Its concerning that your interaction ended with that type of thought. I think you may benefit from counseling.


#4

Matthew I had a similar problem for many years and I started at 12 too and I stopped around 26.

I am a married man and I struggle with reading too much into how women act around me.

Sometimes it can be hard when you are trying to get a healthy self-confidence but your understanding of confidence is skewed because the world is so prideful that you find yourself actually wrestling with pride.

These days I struggle more with the custody of my eyes and the temptation of having an affair although I will not give in to that temptation and destroy my marriage or my family it is however a struggle some days.

I think a large part of my own struggle is that I don’t view that type of material and I don’t do those sorts of impure things anymore so now the battle has intensified because I have taken myself away from all that impurity.

Ultimately the goal of Christ is that we get to a point where we are so spiritually strong that whether we see something impure on a magazine rack in a store, or we see an immodestly dressed or behaving woman in our presence, that it doesn’t affect us and lead us into sin.

Someday you’re going to get past this and you’re going to find that the battle doesn’t just stop with self-abuse and pornography the battle wages on against the types of things that we listen to, that we watch on television or film, or the type of people that we surround ourselves with, or the everyday things that we see when we’re out running errands or working at our jobs.

I would as much as you can delete social media get off the internet, install internet filters and accountability software, get rid of any other pornographic materials that you might have or use, and go to regular confession for this and try to get psychological help if need be.

You won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until you finally kick this that’s just the truth of the matter you don’t want to bring this into a marriage.

Pornography has destroyed so many lives it’s not even funny… It hurts God, it hurts you, it hurts the people that were in it whether they think so or not, and it hurts your future spouse if this problem persist into a marriage.

Focus on your studies and improving yourself but also carrying this cross and trying to overcome this that’s my advice to you.

I had a good spiritual father that helped me many years get past this and he always told me that God loves the fight he likes to see good triumph over evil and he reminded to look towards King David and encourage me as a penance to read the Psalms.

The Psalms were important because they are David when he is dealing with all his sins and failures involving impurity, infidelity, murder, and having been betrayed by his friends and family and surrounded by his enemies.

David is surrounded by both spiritual and physical darkness and he calls out crying to God.

St Joseph is also a good Saint to have a devotion to because he is the model for all men, husbands, father’s, and masculine chastity.


#5

@GospelOfMatthew pray for those that you are tempted by and for those women who you lusted after.

Offer up prayers of reparation and pray for the salvation of these women.

Don’t give up God will help you overcome this.


#6

Everything Governator said!
I would only add: really consider joining the Angelic Warfare Confraternity (google it, fantastic) and perhaps adding the Saint Michael Chaplet to your prayer life. Don’t meditate on avoiding this sin while you pray. Mediate on the mysteries, on the choirs of angels (St Michael Chaplet) or on the quality of Chastity (AWC prayer rule). I wish I could say these things ended the reign of lust in my life from the first day I began, but years of addiction takes time for recovery. The graces of prayer are real and when combined with accountability, fraternity, and other loving works, the road to recovery is made clearer and smoother.


#7

Yes the chaplet is jammed packed full of graces right after the Rosary this is the chaplet I would recommend. :+1:


#8

It probably took you a while to establish this bad habit. It might take a while to get over it.

But having sinful habits of thought is still just a habit. With God’s help, you can create a new good habit of mind.


#9

Do not lose hope. Damage and ruin are harsh words, and though they accurately communicate the seriousness of your peril, you mustn’t give up hope.

In the near term, work toward the goal of healing your mind and spirit. It’s going to be difficult work, and often discouraging, but with God’s help you can do it. Bolster your strength by looking beyond healing to the ultimate goal of healthy relationships and a life of love and joy.

You have gotten some very good responses so far, and I am not sure what to add except that I would make it a high priority to eliminate factors that cause you to think of women as objects. Porn is a big one, and social media less so but still significant. Easier said than done, I am sure, but it is really important that you do this.

Also perhaps it would help to get involved in some activity with women like a club or group, not online but in real life, where you can interact with women (and men) as regular people. Got any interest in hiking, performing music, gardening, intramural softball, or community service?

By the way, welcome to Catholic Answers Forums. I’m glad you joined recently, and I am glad you started this thread. Give thanks and praise to God! And I pray: May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you on your spiritual journey, and lead you always toward greater faith, hope, and love.


#10

I agree with HoosierDaddy that some counseling might be in order. Normally I’m the first one to try to remind young men freaking out over masturbation that this is a very common issue and not something to despair over, but your case seems excessive. The fact that a five minute, friendly conversation with a girl gave you the urge to masturbate to her Facebook profile is concerning and suggests there is some kind of compulsion here.

If your school offers mental health treatment maybe check that out?


#11

Somehow you might try interacting with women as @randomalias suggests. You need to supplement any other methods of dealing with this by opening your eyes to the difference between real women and the fantasy women you are imagining.

If you mix with actual women for a while you’ll start to realise that they are real people, just like you! They have a lot more going on in their minds than The kinds of things that may obsess you. What’s more you might have more self respect and realise that you are not simply a reproductive machine either, just like women you are a temple of the Holy Spirit!

Try keeping your thoughts above the belt line and remember that you and they are more than simply genitals! (Sorry if that offends anyone.)

Incidentally, have you ever noticed how it’s actually difficult often to be able to tell if a post has been written by a female or a male? This shows you how similar we actually are surely. Our bodies are for our souls, worship God not flesh.


#12

Yeah, I wondered if this reaction you are having is because your real-life interactions with attractive women seem to be rare, which can lead to building every little 5 minute chat up into a big fantasy in your head.

If you were chatting with attractive women all day in social settings, these interactions might well become more ordinary and less of a big “exciting” occasion that would make your mind immediately jump to sex.

Does your college have a Newman Center or other Catholic social group for people your age? That would seem to be a good opportunity to talk to women your age on a friendly basis in a setting that discourages thinking of them as sex objects.


#13

What you do is degrading to women, but it is even more degrading to yourself. There are millions upon millions of men with a compulsive problem with masturbation (not that casual masturbation is acceptable either). Just because it isn’t diagnosed doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You acknowledge that this is a problem, so you are already ahead of most people.

With a lack of other fulfilling activities in life, people usually automatically turn to sex/food/drugs (or all three) to make themselves feel alive. So masturbation/sex developing into something that is compulsive is not unusual.

I would talk with a priest or counselor. It’s good that you’re praying, but we also have an obligation to educate ourselves, build constructive habits, and set goals. As you start doing these things, the neuropathways you have built in your brain to make sex an instant “feel good” switch for relief will gradually become narrower and less used. This is a process that will take years. Perfect time to start is right now.

Peace.


#14

Considering what your profile blurb says and the topic of your thread, I too would suggest counseling as you seem to have some issues. Your reaction to an innocent conversation with another student is really over the top.


#15

It takes time to rewire your brain. Keep struggling.

Direct your energies towards serving others. Go visit a nursing home. I’m dead serious. You can find healing among God’s people there. And there’s nothing to lust after believe me.
Doing this can awaken your true masculinity, which is designed to care for others.

This will make you a better man and develop the qualities you will need as a good friend and/or marriage partner.
Chastity is: the proper integration of sexuality within the whole of the person.
In your state, sex for it’s own sake dominates your life (I’ve been there, I know how it is).

We are designed to live for others.
Or, keep on sinning and the consequences of sin will cure you the hard way. Been there done that too.
Visit the nursing home.


#16

Great advice above, and counseling seems to be needed.

For now, every time the thought or image of any woman pops into your head, when you talk to a woman, in your mind pray for her. “Dear God, please bless and protect Sally (or simply “this lady” if you do not know her name), give her joy and peace. Amen”


#17

Thanks everyone for the good advice! On campus there are some events I am at with females my age. I run a Group Rosary and I am Vice President of the Pro-Life club which has multiple females that attend regularly. In addition there are some other faith things also.

I listen to a lot of Matt Fradd throughout the day on Podcasts and other good stuff so I find my situation really strange. I don’t use pornography or watch tv besides sports or use Twitter or Instagram or SnapChat only FB for news really. I listen to music a lot but it’s all Catholic Church hymns and mass settings (lol) and I always wear a Cruxifix and MM so in this sense I’m a very “geeky” Catholic.

I think my issue is that I don’t really fit in at my college. I don’t party or do any of that but I’m an athletic guy which means I want to do sports and stuff but nobody there knows me because I don’t party and it seems like everyone either knows each other from these parties or the people that don’t see me and assume I’m “one of them.” But like I said I run lots of faith things on campus so I do talk to some females that way and I don’t get tempted from that at all.

It seems like when I look back at the times I have fallen to temptation, it’s always after a few days even 30 days one time of doing all good things and praying and respecting everyone and all that then all of a sudden I see something that clicks in my mind and BAM it’s nearly irresistible. I feel like such a hypocrite though, I run all these faith things and I myself am struggling to even respect women with my actions when in my mind I feel like I respect them


#18

Perhaps you should start attending some fun social events. One does not have to get sidewalk-licking drunk to have a fun time at a party.


#19

I know some people don’t like parties, but I used to enjoy the occasional college party. I didn’t drink at any of them, and can only think of one out of a couple dozen where I ended up committing a sin by going. Think about whether there’s some way you can just participate in some good times that don’t all revolve around spiritual stuff. Restaurant outings, hikes, ski trips, even just getting together to watch movies and eat pizza.


#20

I just went to confession :smiley:


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