I must admit upfront, this is rather embarrassing to write and honestly as I am writing this I am tempted to masturbate and give into temptation. I am fighting the urge but in the back of my mind I just want to delete this post and go masturbate. Please read:
Backstory: I am 20YO college Catholic male who prays the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet daily, Daily Mass, Adoration… lots of other stuff.
I have never had a GF and one of the things I pray for all the time is to find my future wife in God’s time if that is His will. I don’t talk to females that often, mainly just in class and sure they smile and laugh but I don’t talk with them outside of class. Well, I was walking to the library about 20 minutes ago and this really attractive girl from two of my classes walked out of the library and we have an essay due tomorrow so I asked her how her essay went and we talked for about 5 minutes on it, she was smiling and laughing which is all good. Afterwards she said “see ya later Matt!”
A normal person would walk away thinking that was a good conversation, I’m glad it happened, and then go on with their business. Literally the first thought that came into my mind was “oh man I need to go masturbate this out, she has a FaceBook, let me pull up her profile pic.”
That is such a bad thing to think and it shows clearly how in the back of my mind, I don’t respect women. I have masturbated and viewed pornographic images since I was 12YO so its been a major struggle for me. Like I wrote, I’m very tempted to just delete this post and go masturbate to exactly what I said I thought… But I know this is very wrong and I am fighting the temptation. Is my mind so damaged that this is what I think when I talk to attractive females now? Not that, that was a good conversation and she is nice but rather I want to go masturbate to her picture??
Sorry for the graphic details. Your Brother in Christ, Matt