I am standing at a crossroads right now, and I really need some help. I have come here from time to time with my troubles relating to NFP and the strains within my marriage. I am at a breaking point now, and I’m afraid of what might happen.
I just made it through a very long pregnancy “scare”. Physically and emotionally, I cannot handle a pregnancy right now. I had a 48 day cycle when I’m normally 34 days. That inflamed the NFP issue that has been running in the undercurrent to the point that I have owned up to my hatred of NFP to my husband. I hate what it does to my marriage. He said he would try to make 15 minutes a day to spend talking to me about “whatever”, but that has happenned only once since the blow up I had last week.
My husband is a cradle catholic. I’m a 4 1/2 year old convert. I haven’t been going to mass for a while now. The last time I went, I couldn’t bring myself to say a word or sing any of the responses. For some reason, I just sat there empty and blank.
I haven’t received the eucharist but a handful of times over the past year because I can’t bring myself to confess the private details of my marriage bed with a priest. I feel hollow as I sit there in the pew as my husband walks up again and again to receive communion without me. I feel abandoned by him.
But I can’t bring myself to confession. For one, I feel icky and dirty afterwards when all I really want is to talk to God about what’s on my conscience. Plus, since I don’t believe that God wants us to live inside of all of these tight rules about the marital embrace, I would be going to confession for certain sexual acts with my husband that I don’t believe are wrong anyway. But if I don’t accept EVERYTHING the church teaches, well then, I’m not Catholic, am I?
I used to talk to my husband about my struggles and my discrepancies with the church. He was never very helpful- he would just get upset that I was questioning. Now we don’t talk about religion. AT ALL. He goes off to mass, to confession, doesn’t ask me anything about it or take the kids. I would honestly rather go to mass without him than with him, and I’m not sure why. Does this make any sense to anyone out there? Why do I want to seek out my faith without my husband?
Please, your feedback is needed. I am lost, angry, and confused. I don’t believe our marriage would survive if I left the CC.