I will be studying abroad as a college student in Japan, 2 January - 16 May; I need to pack, clean my room, and work on a report for school (that should be finished before 2 January). I am pursuing a Bachelor of Science degree in Physics, and after studying abroad will “defend” that report (“thesis paper”) over the summer, so I may enter graduate school for Medical Physics in the Fall.
It appears the closest abortion facility is 32.4 km (20.1 miles) away, estimated 31 minute drive, in eastern TN (USA). I don’t want to drive for 62 minutes and pray in the bitter cold for 30 minutes (holding a sign or not? Should I?) if no one will be there this week – if it wouldn’t help anything.
Is it worth it? Personally, my older brother and I are frustrated so much so that we have no prayer life – it appears as if (or feels like) God doesn’t hear our prayers. I tried praying the Rosary a while ago, and after seeing the “15 Promises of the Rosary” (what?! It seems so far-fetched!) from EWTN, I feel like I should start praying again, but it doesn’t seem to do any good. (Praying the Rosary seems to be like talking to myself and “brainwashing” myself about the Bible’s stories, to convince myself that they’re true.)
It’s just such a long drive, about 35 minutes each way. Do you know how active abortion facilities are this week, Dec 27 - 1 January, and if it would be useful? Please give me as much detail as you can; the abortion issue brings me to tears (as a man), but in part those tears are from senseless futility, frustrated ridiculousness; a somewhat nihilistic outlook on life that God seems absent, while humans murder their children, both suggesting that God is there (thus my ability to grieve) and that God is not there (thus our situation, of murder being the law of the land).
(I feel somewhat strangled, that I try to have faith, but it feels like I cannot have faith, that the absurdity of life is overwhelming. Reason suggests to me that I should not have faith, that if God were as real as the tree outside my window, I should not need faith: Faith as a theological virtue suggests the absence of God, as in, “No, he’s really there, although it looks like he might not be: Take our word for it. No, you can’t go behind the curtain yet, just believe he’s there because we say he is.” Considering Paul’s definition in Hebrews 11:1, faith seems to me “holding a belief to be fact without sufficient evidence; hoping something to be true”. And so the thought of praying the Rosary outside an abortion facility makes me want to cry, because I want God to be real and to be with God, etc., and to fight demons and save lives, but it seems impossible. I cannot escape myself and my slavery to doubt, reason and questioning; I cannot tolerate the idea of doing anything without believing in it, and I cannot seem to believe the Christian message (Gospel?) like I believe mathematical truth and empirical observation. How can you believe anything without empirical evidence? I find Christian philosophy beautiful (concerning human sexuality, etc.) because it is fitting with my life experience, and with reason as I know it (i.e. my worldview), and both of those are from observation and experience with others – not warm fuzzy feeling or emotion. Christianity has beautiful philosophy and a beautiful worldview, but I cannot seem to believe it as actual objective truth – perhaps you might believe I am under heavy demonic attack? Wouldn’t your prayer help me, if God listens to you? I hope to schedule Confession tomorrow; although I received the Eucharist today, I try to blame this apparent “separation from God” on sexual sins I have committed since my last confession. But it seems everything I do is hopeless, noting verse 6 of Hebrews 11:4-7. So faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26), but works without faith, even trying to build faith, are also dead. I have a little faith, or else I wouldn’t be here writing this post, but it doesn’t appear to be enough faith to produce anything useful other than singing pretty music at church.)