I’m not sure where to begin. But here I go.
It all started back when I was young, but it really picked up when I was eleven. I stumbled upon a Yahoo soft porn feature where it displayed pictures of women to be rated on their “hotness.” It gradually got worse, and as I heard sexual and perverted things from “friends” at school, I looked some of them up, some being very explicit.
I wasn’t raised Catholic, but that isn’t much excuse. I rejected baptism on a whim until age nineteen when I was baptized in the Roman Catholic Church in an emergency because I was extremely dysfunctional and very evil.
Some it it culminated when I was around age seventeen. I felt very dead inside, and I distinctly remember that my sister was moving the next day, my family and I helping. On a whim, because I didn’t feel like helping, turned to hate inside. I also made the decision that one of my very prominent sins, as I heard of mortal sin, though it was a mortal sin, I was going to continue doing it anyway. It was the beginning to my rejection of the belief of mortal sin altogether, although the conclusion to this wasn’t till years later.
So I was baptized, and I believe I felt the extreme power of God cleansing and entering my soul for the very first time. But almost immediately after, I became extremely scrupulous, and grew very upset at my father because I felt dejected that I wasn’t baptized when I was more ready. Before I was baptized, I meddled with demons, and felt an incredible stinging, burning sensation throughout my whole body as if I was being dragged into hell and was about to die. I begged my father for help, and he touched a crucifix to me, which burned my chest rather tremendously. Then he began praying the Hail Mary, and I told him loudly to stop before leaving the house. It didn’t get much better, and that was mainly why I was emergency-baptized.
I attacked my father some days later, and went to jail. I committed myself to committing more sin very carelessly, and with no intention to feel remorse, and I had an experience where I felt a point of no return. Finally upset with myself, I told God I would stop doing these things. It was another beginning to feeling a false sense of security about my spiritual state.
I had other episodes where I felt so out of control, I wanted to obtain favors from Satan, as well as inspire others to commit mortal sin, because I thought it was unfair I was headed for hell. I did other, notibly evil things. The Satan business and the hate stuck with me for a long time, up until last night.
It got progressively still worse, suffice it to say, and I got into summoning spirits with some people, trying to forcibly control others through channeling, and a brief stint of homosexuality.
I went to jail again, and over time, fell into extreme heresy where I thought I had to lose my free will in order to be predestined to heaven. Then I stopped believing in Jesus Christ, angels, demons, and was convinced God simply created us for no apparent reason. I still held onto a belief in God, but “Even the demons believe.”
I finally achieved what I had hoped for: living solely on instinct alone for four weeks. I thought I was amazing, had extreme pride, vanity, and hate for fellow human beings. Then, last night it hit me. I always experienced the ability of free will to escape my living on instinct alone, but then suddenly I lost contact with that free will. Shocked, I went to a separate room, and of course, in emergencies, I prayed a little. I had notions of needing to escape my downward spiral, but I didn’t heed the calls. They became progressively stronger until things snapped.
Worried I actually predestined myself for hell somehow, I spent the whole night lying mostly awake, recalling my distorted and wicked past life from the very beginning. I had let my down my fellow Christians in not living a life that they could benefit from, and this homeless person next to me on the street began saying things such as that this imaginary person, though I believe it was providence directed at me, had murdered 80 of their children, among other heinous things. It was a woman, and suddenly, I was struck at the thought that it was really Our Lady talking to me. I was struck that I felt absolutely no remorse. I had never committed murder, but I recalled a sermon I once heard where mortal sin is like murdering Christ. I was absolutely dead inside, the blackest I had ever felt. I felt as if I was an equal to Satan, and not only desired to destroy God, but to one-up God by rejected his very creation.
I got up, moved to another place in solitude, and began to pray the Hail Mary, trying to wake up my free will and conscience. At one point in the very early morning, I recalled that if you pray three Hail Marys morning and evening with the intention to honor her immaculate conception and perpetual virginity, you get great graces tending toward salvation. I had to force myself to get up and pray it, but afterward, I felt more resolute in prayer. I also recalled something else: that those who do not pray will very likely be damned.
Now it is today. I recalled something about praying without ceasing, and have prayed consistently to battle despair and another complete sense of loss of hope and free will. I finally regained some level of stability, but one very prominent thing is that I still feel hate through detachment. I don’t feel in touch with other people at all. I am resolved to praying until it is overcome, but that is when it occurred to me, after reading several articles off Catholic.com that I might be possessed. I don’t know if this is possible for me as here I am, writing these things, but I feel that there will never really come a time I will overcome my sense of rejection of images of Our Lady and the Eucharist. I feel innately mad at God for even creating the ability to live by instinct alone, which is absolutely miserable.