I grew up not only hearing about why I should be out there having sex from the media, but also from my parents.
My dad and older brother always told me that a relationship wasn’t serious, wasn’t dating, if I wasn’t having sex with the guy. See, according to them, the relationship is primarily about sex and secondarily about anything else.
My mother, on the other hand, respected my decision to remain chaste… as long as I agreed to take birth control, which I wouldn’t because I saw taking birth control as a cheap cop out, and because having taken it once I already knew that it would only make my menstrual cycles even more painful and drawn out.
Yet she always told me, it’s not a shameful thing to sleep with a man. Sex, she would say, is supposed to be a natural thing. And just in case I got “carried away” in a moment, I should be on the pill, just in case.
But, having read Crystalina and Jason Evert’s work in Pure Love and Pure Womanhood, I decided that I liked what they had to say because it seemed to make the most sense to me and filled me with a sense of being worth something more than a man’s sexual approval.
Now my mother is breaking up with her third husband, and I can’t even count the number of failed relationships she’s been through.
So when she and I were out together at an open mic. event for my nineteenth birthday, she was crying and was a real mess. It really scared me for her.
She was crying because she feels she’s failed in yet another relationship, and even worse, this time she’s failed to protect four of her children (my siblings) from an abusive man.
He’s not allowed to come back to the family until he can prove he’s taken anger management classes (thank God). CAS came up with that rule - otherwise, she’ll lose the kids (which terrifies me - I can’t bear to think I wouldn’t see my siblings anymore).
So I tentatively brought up chastity. I gave her my copies of Pure Love and Pure Womanhood, and I talked about things like oxytosen(I deffinitely spelled that wrong, please correct me!) and why a woman should remain pure.
I also noted that my grandmother, her mother, was single for ten years after splitting with my grandfather (who was also an abusive man), stopped drinking and smoking, spent the time learning about herself.
I mentioned that maybe ten years was necessary, as a few months between relationships seemed to only mean that one would enter the same relationship again and again with different partners, bu the same or similar scenarios.
I don’t feel like it was enough, though. She gives me this look, like she’s just humouring me. I don’t know… how do I make her understand?
I don’t want her to think that I think I’m better than her for being pure, because if she were pure, I wouldn’t be alive, nor would five other beautiful people, all of whom I love deeply.
But somehow I think that’s what she’s thinking… I think she feels judged, but I just want to help her. I don’t want to lose my mother completely, I don’t want to see my siblings grow up distrusting and hating men like I did, I don’t want to see her constantly hurting herself and allowing men to hurt her like this.
How do I get her to understand? What more, besides praying, can I do?