Sorry. You’re not going to like my answer. Please do her a favor and end the engagement. She deserves to be married to someone who trusts her and doesn’t make comments about her intellect and doesn’t admit to treating her like a child. She has found a way to trust a control freak like you, yet you are already nitpicking her decisions. Becoming a wife and mother will change her profoundly. In ways you will not be able to control.
It won’t work.
Because when you marry, and you have children and buy and sell houses and make career decisions and medical decisions and try to decide what to have for dinner, you will actually have to leave stuff to her discretion and not treat her like a child. And eventually she will resent your condescending attitude. And she will withhold stuff from you even more just because it’s easier to make the decision without all the grief you give her. And then you will fight with her and it will all end badly.
And your treatment of her will kill her optimism and her self confidence. And eventually you won’t recognize the woman you married. You will have turned her into a self-fulfilling prophesy. If she’s already turning insane, and you haven’t yet even moved your micromanaging into her house, it does not bode well for the future.
If you can’t communicate now, set her free and find someone you can trust. You claim you trust God. But I suspect you really don’t. Or you wouldn’t be checking and demanding proof on everything in a world that sorely lacks proof. When you marry, your spouse isn’t in the same category as the rest of the world where you can’t trust them. If you’re already suspicious and she’s already walking on eggshells and hiding information because she doesn’t want to face your reactions, it will not work.
Sometimes, pal, you have to let go of the controls and throw yourself into the void and trust that God has a plan that YOU are not controlling. But if you marry this poor girl, everything bad that happens in life (and yes, there is much bad that befalls even the most carefully-planned cautiously researched life plan in spite of the risk management on your part)… well, everything bad will be blamed on her. Right? Because if she had talked to you, or if her intellect was just about as brilliant as yours, you wouldn’t be in that mess would you? Because in your world, nothing happens without your say-so.
That’s not living. That’s existing behind a wall of caution. Things like illness, children, careers, death… all of that punches holes in that illusion that you actually control anything. But you are not ready to take that step and recognize that. Do yourself a favor and everyone else, and do not attempt to marry until you learn to trust God’s plan, let go of your illusions and trust the person you claim you want to spend your life with.
Life is not a factory where quality control exists. It’s a big messy affair where you have disaster contingencies that have to be implemented on the fly. Sometimes that girl you love has to make decisions without all the facts. We don’t all know everything. We do our best. And being second-guessed and picked at makes people mad. And it makes them do things to avoid being criticized and have their thought processes examined under a microscope.
Ask yourself: Do you trust this person to raise your children without your input if you are run over by a bus? If you can’t unequivocally answer that question with a resounding yes, please let her go marry someone who can appreciate her talents and good qualities.
But I suspect you will never trust anyone else until you learn to trust God. That is your biggest problem. Only God knows and controls everything. He did not make you His deputy. Recognize that and other things will fall into place in a better fashion. Good luck.
And if you end it, please lay all the blame on your own self and your own inability to trust. Don’t tell her it was her fault she didn’t file the immigration papers right.