Having trouble with my fiancee


#1

My fiancee got back from iraq about a week before Christmas. He has PTSD. He’s been really distant lately. I’ve been trying to get closer to him but he said he needs space. Just last night he told me he didn’t love me. I don’t want to give u on our relationship. I feel so confused and helpless right now. Does anyone have any advice they could share with me? Please pray for us.


#2

I think a good place to start is to learn as much as you can about PTSD which is very real. I also think that your focus on prayer is wise and that you might be able to find a support group of people such as yourself that have learned how to cope with a relationship that is struggling with this problem. You should also be realistic in your approach that there is no magic wand that can be waived and that you both need time to heal. You will definitely be in my prayers. Peace, G.


#3

I’ll pray for you both.

Tell him to get a shrink, in particular one who has experience in dealing with PTSD.

A dear friend of mine had something similar to PTSD. He went to a therapist with great reluctance, but now (three years after) praises her. He doesn’t think he’d be alive if it wasn’t for her help.


#4

Don’t set a date or start making plans until he deals with it.


#5

[quote="KCT, post:4, topic:235891"]
Don't set a date or start making plans until he deals with it.

[/quote]

I would say this, but that's a little harsh.

He definitely needs psychiatric help, and the best thing YOU can do would be to be there and support him, even though he may not show appreciation. KCT was right in that you should devote more of your energy towards helping your fiancé instead of planning the wedding. This will definitely take time, since war can really mess someone up. HOWEVER, you still need to be as strong and patient as you can for you and your fiancé's sake. Keep on praying, and I'll pray for you as well. :gopray:


#6

First of all stay away from words like shrink, meds, or hospitals. Just suggest that he talk to one of the doctors at the VA if he is a reservist or at the clinic if he is active duty. If he is unwilling to do that then suggest speaking to his unit chaplain. You should also speak to the unit chaplain through the Family Readiness Group resources.

You should not set a date until he starts seeking treatment if he has not. Also his command should be aware if he is still in so that he is not handling firearms, etc unless he is safe. All of this will be taken care of as long as he is being taken care of through the military.


#7

Dear cmariemarshall,

It may sound harsh, but I think any wedding plans definitely need to be shelved indefinitely. This isn't just because of the PTSD, but the fact that he said he no longer loves you. This must hurt, but you need to protect yourself against entering a marriage that will fail. From a catholic perspective, because we believe that marriage is truly for life, there is not much that is sadder than a failed marriage.

You may be able to help your fiance through this problem. Or you may not be able to. His love may return. Or it may not. But these two issues need to be clearly addressed/resolved before any plans towards marriage progress.

War is a terrible thing and I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. You are in my prayers.


#8

War is so cruel. It's, IMO, especially hard in an era where you may be the only person you know dealing with this sort of thing. unless you're near a base.

I would also recommend putting wedding plans on hold. I can tell you, that one of my friends who managed to come home alive was INTENSE for about 5 months after his return. He spoke with a HUGE degree of anger, hostility, and ready to attack all the time. He's a sweet man, a great husband and father from what I can tell... but it took him a while to re adjust... and as best as I can tell.. he did NOT have PTSD... so I imagine that would take even longer...

If he's not willing to seek therapy, you are looking at a life of insanity... if he's willing to seek therapy... then I would re-evaluate...

I'm so sorry this war has taken your relationshiop from you. I pray that it can be "repaired"... Best...


#9

PTSD is a very serious thing, but it can be handled with the proper treatments. Your fiance should get in touch with some local veterans groups to get honest answers about where to start with PTSD treatment. Joining a local veteran's group will also be a good way for your fiance to get needed support from people that have really been there and know what war is like. Sometimes fellow veterans are the only ones that can convince a veteran to get help with PTSD.

Don't give up if the VA tries to tell you that PTSD isn't real or isn't really happening with your fiance. My aunt had PTSD and one of the psychologists not only told her that she didn't have PTSD, but he told her that the violence she claimed she saw in Iraq was exaggerated! She saw explosions, beheadings, and was sexually assaulted by fellow soldiers! She was definitely not exaggerating during her time with the VA psychologist. Unfortunately with government health care it is about cutting costs. I know of many that have gone through trouble with the VA. Hopefully the one near you will be better. This is why I suggest getting in contact with veterans groups like your local VFW because they will be honest about where you should go for help and who you should avoid.


#10

don’t set a date or start making plans until he deals with it.

I would say this, but that’s a little harsh.

it’s hard, but not harsh. untreated and/or unmanaged mental illness is an impediment to vows. his vows, if he made them, would probably be invalid.

cmarie, this is a terribly sad thing for you and for him. i’m already praying for you both.


#11

Is he still in the military? If he is you can get in touch with the base chaplain (hopefully a Catholic one) and ask him for advice. I would put all marriage plans on hold for now. There is no way he can be a husband to you until he gets help for himself.


#12

he broke up with me last week. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m getting counseling for myself. I’ve already been to my first appointment. I’mgoing to the doctor soon to be put on antidepressants for a little while. I have problems that go back a lot farther than this


#13

I will keep both of you in my prayers. You are doing the right thing by seeking counseling and medical help for yourself and I hope your former fiancee will do the same. I also suggest spending time in Adoration. It will be a physical and spiritual reminder of how much Jesus loves you. God`s love is the only love that will never disappoint us.

I noticed you are in RCIA. Are you being baptized on Easter? If so, congratulations! Stay really close to the Sacraments, attend Mass during the week in addition to on Sundays and receive the Eucharist often. God will give you the strength needed to get through this difficult time.

Sincerely,

Maria1212


#14

Prayers, dear :frowning: PTSD is a very serious illness. I hope you feel better soon, and I hope the meds work for you.

:grouphug:


#15

keeping calm for now. playing on puter. about to pop in a movie. I blew some of my last paycheck on a motel room trying to get away from everybody last thursday so I can’t go see the doc till the 28th. never been on this type of medication before so I don’t know what it will be like. I managed to eat 10 chicken nuggets today. that’s better than what i’ve been doing. Got some good sleep last night.


#16

Glad to hear it - please find your peace in Christ this Holy Week.


#17

I just messaged you.
:hug1:


#18

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.