I find myself struggling with old sins which I ingrained within myself as a Neo-Pagan. I hate them, but I always find myself coming back to them.
I feel as though I am torn between one part of myself and another part, one which desires the Lord but another which is equally dedicated to the sins.
Early this morning I had one of my few experiences where I shed “tears of repentance.” (I think so anyway). I was before the Eucharist and I wept.
Yet later in the day I turned away again.
It has been a constant battle, one which I cannot overcome.
I wonder now, whether it is possible to continually come back to forgiveness, how can One live so hypocritically and so sinfully again and again, and yet still find Him with open arms.
I preached the love of God before, the Gospel before. I witnessed and bore testimony to the Mercy of God.
I need that mercy again, but I don’t think I am bear the shame of getting in that confessional with my regular confessor and saying the same old things.
It feels so easy just to “give up”…again.
I say that I love Him, I proclaim He is Messiah, I believe it too.
I want to love Him, I need to be near Him, I need to live in Him. I have tasted false gods and goddesses, and they are nothing. I know the emptiness my sins cause me. I am aware of the danger they pose to my stability, my vocation, and my soul.
But I return to them like a dog to vomit.
I preach to others, but I myself am disqualified.
And I HATE it.
How can I come back with everything I have done? How can I turn around when I can’t stop sinning. How can I come back home when I constantly leave home on my own accord.
How can I come back to my Father…after I have spit in His face and crucified His Son in my heart for a second, third, and fourty-fourth time??
After I have grieved His Spirit?
I feel as though everything I am demands holiness, but I cannot achieve it. I feel lost…again.
And the very thought of having to come back to my pastor and confess my sins again will be too much to bear, which is why I can hear the old gods calling me. To be frank, Jupiter is looking very appealing, even though I know he can’t satisfy my soul.
He couldn’t before, and somehow I know he can’t now.
Please pray for me, help me. My brethren, I don’t know if I want to get back up again. I’m just so sick of this.
If the Evil One hates me so, surely I must have a purpose. But literally I feel the Evil One is destroying whatever vocation I may have.