He left us...


#1

DH and I have been married for 2.5 years and have known each other for 5 years. We have 14 month old twins, Grace and Jacob. About 3 weeks ago, DH told me that he has feelings for someone else. One week later he left us saying that it really has nothing to do with this other person. He says he knew we weren’t right for each other and never should have gotten married. He was just too embarrassed to end things earlier. He says he doesn’t love me and refuses to work on things. I think he just sees greener pastures and is trying to justify what he is doing, although he swears that is not the case. He says God told him that this is going to be hard but that he needed to end things now and not be miserable for the rest of his life. I’m sorry, but God says many times in the Bible that divorce is wrong. I highly doubt he would make an exception for my DH. I’ve looked over the requirements for a valid sacramental marriage and I feel with all my heart that our marriage was indeed sacramental (although I know it would probably be fairly easy for him to get an annulment, sad huh?) We live in a no-fault divorce state, so I feel like there isn’t anything I can do. My heart is breaking for all the reasons you can imagine. I am so mad and hurt. I truly feel called to be a wife and mother and desire a large family. I feel like he has ruined this for me. Prayers and/or advice?


#2

Meg;

My prayers are going up for you, dear one.

I am angry and sad on your behalf, with no words to express how upsetting this is to me.

St. Joseph, protector of Mother Mary and Baby Jesus, fly to our aid, and help dear Meg and her two dear little children.


#3

Meg O,

I cried when I read your post. Its a horror what has happened to your family.

Dont rush the gun on what the Church will or will not do in this case.

IMHO you need to get your ducks in order and get in touch with a Priest you trust ASAP if you have not already.

You need to do much more, but its not good for me to go farther with this on the forum, you can PM me anytime you wish about this, and while I am not an expert on this by ANY means, I have done a fair amount of research on situations like yours and I think you must not forget that the Church is not punative, its not your enemy or his enemy.

Lord have mercy!

Hang in there, and remember he will take care of you and of course your children,

One step at a time, one step at a time…

I’ll be back with some stuff for you to read, I just need to do it tomorrow.

You and your family are in my prayers and I will take you to Mass with me on Sat. Mass at 5:00.

Good grief!

Try to remember that Christians dont always remember how to be Christians sometimes, thats what my favorite Priest told me recently and HE IS SO RIGHT!


#4

You and your little ones will be in my prayers.

I don’t know what else to say…

God love you!


#5

I guess here’s what I’m wondering…for the marriage to be valid, both of you would have had to have intended for your marriage to be permanent. This follows as part of full consent of the will, since both people must be aware of and consent to the terms of the covenant that they’re making with each other. He has to be able to honestly ask himself Did I, on our marriage day, intend for this marriage to be permanent? Now I know you did, but did he? (And I’m just asking an honest question here, because I don’t know either of you very well at all.) Because the thing is, if he didn’t, then there’s really not much that you could have done about it. But if he did…then you’re absolutely correct. Keep him constantly in your prayers, and just trust that God will ultimately bring an even greater good out of this situation.

I’m not the best one to be giving advice here, so I’ll let others handle that.
But I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers.


#6

I am certain he did, but I think he would lie and say he didn’t just to get an annulment. :frowning:


#7

They call witnesses, including you, to verify his story. He can’t lie to them - if nobody ever heard him say that he thought he could leave you when he got tired of you, then they will assume that he intended at the time to have a permanent marriage.

If you were married in a Catholic Church, then he probably signed something that said he intended to make the marriage permanent, and they will bring that signed statement into evidence, as well.


#8

Sweetie, I am so sorry about your predicament. You are in my prayers!


#9

I really have NO recollection of signing something that stated I intended to make my marriage permanent, but of course, I could have forgotten it or maybe its not done in my parish.

The vows sorta speak for themselves no?:rolleyes:

Abandonment sorta speaks for itself no?:rolleyes:

“God” told him …

Come on , this guy is saying God told him to do this???:rolleyes:


#10

Meg, I can relate to your post. My exhusband did something very similar to me when our daugther was 14 months old (her name is Megan aka Meg)… My heart breaks for you. Although I can relate, I still don’t know your pain. I do know that for me it took time, but, I made it through it all. I remember wondering how I would get past the pain. I did get my marriage annuled before I married my current husband (who is such a blessing to my life), it took many years for me to get there though. I actually have a good relationship with my daughter’s father now, that took time. The relationship he left me for didn’t last. But, he is now married to a wonderful women. Remember that you are going to feel grief, and talk to people about it… Post here… I got a lot of comfort when I talked to my priest. You are in my prayers.


#11

i am sorry i am not following this… if he got married in a church the marriage has to be permanent right? how can he claim now that he did not wish for the marriage to be permanent when he got married?

i am sorry i thought thats what the vows said in a catholic church? is there some other kind of marriage in the churhc that i am not aware of which allows for a temporary state?


#12

Absolutely NO!

The Catholic Church would not allow for a “temporary state”

Urrrrgh…

I know what you meant by this but , no way.

No Dice.

The vows are to God , and this is not a frivolous thing.

Not by any means.


#13

PLEASE see a lawyer and make sure that you ask for at least one dollar in alimony as well as child support, that way, you can always request an increase if you should need it later.
Would you take him back if he asks?
This may be a reaction to the stress of parenting twins. Would you keep the children or let him and his new lady take them. I knew a guy who stole his twins and took them to Morocco. After a week with two year old twins his mother told him to take them back to their mother cuz it was too much work.
I wonder if his new lady would want the work of twins…I mean, I’m just saying…


#14

I did not see anywhere in the OP’s post that he has intention of taking care of the kids.

Your story is the Last thing She Needs to Think About now!

How is this helping her?

Good God!


#15

Were marital funds used for say, education of this louse, I mean spouse?

If so, this might be interesting.


#16

That is how the church defines marriage yes. So if he married validly in or out of a church, it is permanent by definition.

how can he claim now that he did not wish for the marriage to be permanent when he got married?

Maybe he lied when he took his vows, which would mean that the marriage is not valid. Or, maybe he is lying now to justify his actions, and he is actually validly married to the OP. Either way, it’s pretty despicable.

Is there some other kind of marriage in the churhc that i am not aware of which allows for a temporary state?

No.

Marriage is permanent by definition. If there is no intention to make it permanent, there can be no marriage.


#17

I’m agnostic and I think that is terrible.


#18

Meg, I haven’t had to endure what you are living, but please know that my heart goes out to you and your babies, and you and your family will be in my prayers. One of the previous posters was so wise to invoke St. Joseph, and sweetie, he will look out for you, he really really will! He’s a good pal of mine, I’ll go to him for you, as well.

I know the normal every day stress of raising little ones, and I can only imagine the sorrow and fear that you face right now. I don’t know if you work or stay home with them, but whatever happens, if you need to stay home with them, you fight for that! How heartbreaking it would be if you had to leave them and go work because he decided he wanted a different life.

If you haven’t already, post a prayer request on the Prayer Request forum (under Spirituality). Believe me, lots of prayers from people you will never know will rally around you!!!

(((Meg & Grace & Jacob)))


#19

Thank you for all the prayers.

I’m 99.999% sure we didn’t sign anything the day we were married, but I agree about the vows speaking for themselves.

No, he has no intention of taking the kids. In fact, I think he rather enjoys the idea that I will have to do all the work and he will get a few hours of playtime every other weekend.

What happens if he lies during the annulment process and an annulment is granted based on his lies? Would the annulment be valid or not?

As for taking him back, I don’t know. On the one hand, I’d have to say there would need to be a true change of heart and an agreement to work on things. On the other hand, my vows weren’t contingent upon those things. I’d have to give it serious thought, but I really don’t think that he is coming back. He is one of those people that when he makes up his mind there is no changing it.

I just feel so helpless. I feel like there is literally nothing else I can do other than pray, and even then, God has given him free will, so I can pray and pray but ultimately it is DH’s decision.


#20

Yeah, I figured that he wasn’t interested in the work involved with custody.

Just make sure that you protect your interests financially.
I know that your heart is broken but he may very well change his mind when he realizes how much of his paycheck will come directly to you. Would you accept him back if those were his reasons?

See a lawyer about your rights and make sure that you request that he pay for your lawyer as well as his own. Make sure you get his Social Security number in the event that he moves to another state to avoid child support.

At least you got your twins out this marriage so already there’s something very good there, but I know you didn’t set out to be a single parent and children are incredibly expensive.

Do you have healthcare? If not check out CHIPS in your state.
You must go into a self protective mode right now to protect the twins.
Mothers are amazingly resilient, you’ll be fine.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.