and we have been dating for nine years!!!
Hello, my name is Gaby and I have been dating my now live-in boyfriend for nine years and he wont even discuss marriage! We have a beautiful three year old daughter and lately we have been discussing baby number two. He is Baptist and he accepted that I would raise our daughter as Catholic but I feel so guilty that we are not married. He knows I want to marry and he has made it clear that he is not ready, how more ready can you be? we have a child together, live under the same roof and have a joint account!
I have been considering leaving him. I would like to get married and built a home with the right foundation but the thought that is way to scary and I would have loved to have it with my boyfriend. I have loved him this long but this is starting to really really bother me. The fact that we both are from different religions has never bothered me but that is also starting to bother me. I am a bit jealous of the families I see at our Parish on Sunday Mass. I have invited him to Sunday mass and he wont participate, I’m secretly hoping on converting him…
I don’t know if I’ll ever marry, maybe that ship has sailed. But, I don’t want to settle, I don’t think I should. I have made so many compromises for this relationship because I love him but he isn’t doing them for me. Everyday I pray for an answer to the “should I go or should I stay?” question and nothing.
and we have been dating for nine years!!!
Let me see, from what you say he claims to be Christian yet does not practice it, he is willing to have sex with someone to whom he is not married, make babies with her and never marry. He has zero integrity.
Leave - today. Raise your child and get back to the practice of your faith.
Why doesn’t he want to marry you? For all intents and purposes you are married, you live together, you have a child, you share things. You have been together for 9 years, that is longer than a lot of marriages last.
I don’t think you should leave him. It sounds like he has some strange psychological issues with marriage, because in all ways but one he is committed and married.
What explanations does he give? Would he be willing to see a counselor? How would he react if you told him you couldn’t have sex with him until you were married?
The man unlike many who is unmarried is raising the child with her, and you want her to leave him because of his shortcomings?
**** poor reasoning mate, I don’t know, if anything one would probably suggest that she keep praying and raise the child with him together for the sake of the child. Perhaps he lacks some integrity, we all do, you don’t know what his reasons are, you are not him, it’s you that seems to have zero integrity, and a heck of a lot of reasoning skills as well.
Welcome to the fire.
I agree with flying fish, it’s hard for us to say anything without knowing more details, and even then you should see a counsellor to decide, get as much information as possible, if you really want to marry him, then you have really no choice but to keep praying, if you really want to marry, and not necessarily him, are you prepared to put in a few more years with someone else and hope for something?
A lot’s on your plate Gabby, I wish you all the best, but don’t make any rash decisions that certain people here would suggest.
So he has all the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities. You have all the responsibilities but none of the protection.
Leave. Do not make another baby with him.
He is allowing you to raise his illegitimate daughter Catholic? How nice of him.
He could walk away in 3 years and you have no protection. No community property laws to protect you. He’s willing to let his child/ren grow up with unmarried parents.
Sounds like he’s keeping his options open so if a better deal comes along… meanwhile he doesn’t have to be alone on the weekends or try to find a date.
You can do better. Alone is better than being used.
Drop him, your’e not going to be building a family with this guy. I’m sorry to be so direct, but it’s best just to move on now. I’m sorry you’re in this position, you’ll be in my prayers.
I’d say leave him and file for child support. 9 years and a child together and he doesn’t want to get married?
Depending on where you live, in the eyes of your state you may already be under a Common Law Marriage.
I agree with previous poster about not having any more children with this man. If he wants more children then he needs to have them within the bounds of a legitimate marriage. After all, if you are not married and something happens to him, you would not be entitled to any possible benefits to help you with those children - no insurance, no rights to inherit, nothing. Your children and you deserve someone who commits - not for the night, but for the future.
Bless you as you wrestle with this…I think you do have the answer you seek, but now perhaps seek the courage to act upon it…
Let’s all back up and ask ourselves the following question: what is in the best interest of this 3-year-old child?
I think the answer is obvious. The child should be raised in a home with her mother and father. That is the solemn right of this child. She needs a mother and a father, and that should be obvious to all of us.
Unless your boyfriend is incapable of parenthood due to moral/menta/physical reasons, he should be part of the child’s life. And from what you have told us, I see no impediment to him carrying out his parental responsibilities.
So this individual needs to be coaxed, into living up to his responsibilities. I would recommend the following. He is Baptist, and in that faith, they do practice “Church Discipline”. (It is their version of canon law.) Go to the elders of his church, and ask them to discipline this man. If he cannot live up to his responsibilities as a father, he should be refused entry into his church, or ultimately expelled.
And yes, it would be a good idea to contact a family law attorney, and file for child support. If the church elders will not convince him to start acting like a father, maybe a judge can.
Sorry, but the “don’t judge” advice is useless in this case.
I don’t lack that kind of integrity. I haven’t slept around in my 30 years, and I sure as heck didn’t choose to lead some girl on about marriage for nine years all the while making a child with her. I could have done all these things, it’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet out there regarding sex/lifestyles. Contrary to our modern society’s viewpoint, having a kid is serious business and should be done via marriage.
This guy’s sins are serious and indicate a deeply flawed character. His actions define him. You don’t need to be someone to judge their actions.
Consider your daughter. She learns how to be a woman by watching you. What kind of life for her are you willing to accept because you “love” her dad?? I believe you know what you should do, it’s just a matter of HOW you must do it. I will pray for you & your child as you get your life straight. Don’t wait until you are 53 and say “I wish I had it to do over”…we don’t get “do overs” in real life.
Praying for you with Bible verses from today’s Liturgy of the Hours:
Mid-morning reading (Terce) Jeremiah 31:33 ©
This is the covenant I will make with the House of Israel when those days arrive – it is the Lord who speaks. Deep within them I will plant my Law, writing it on their hearts. Then I will be their God and they shall be my people.
Noon reading (Sext) Jeremiah 32:40 ©
I will make an everlasting covenant with them. I will not cease in my efforts for their good, and I will put respect for me into their hearts, so that they turn from me no more.
Afternoon reading (None) Ezekiel 34:31 ©
You, my sheep, are the flock I shall pasture, and I am your God – it is the Lord who speaks.
You’ve already realised the guy isn’t your everything. If you would consider keeping him around, he can man up and propose. If you really think he has some issues a counsellor could help him with, then go get a counsellor - but get out of the unmarried relationship first.
He has all the responsibilities of marriage. They live together and are raising their child together. They pool their resources just like a married couple would.
What responsibilities would he have if they officially married that he doesn’t have now?
You do realise, don‘t you, that cohabiting without marriage, if done knowing its sinfulness, is mortally sinful? All the good you do while in mortal sin dies with you, all your suffering is essentially wasted – nothing is worth that. Go to Confession, take immediate steps to change your living arrangements, and then resume discussion of possible marriage. Your daughter is better off being reared by one parent in a state of grace than by two parents in danger of Hell.
Nine years and no ring? I think you ought to leave. Take your child with you; grant your boyfriend broad visiting rights, get some sort of child support, and go. You can’t continue to live in an illegitimate relationship anymore. If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask you then. But I wouldn’t put up with this for a minute.
Playing house is far different then owning a house.
Leave him. He lacks the integrity and maturity that you and your child need as a role model, dad and husband.
*You have received good advice Gabby. Another thought too…when someone says ‘‘I’m not ready to get married,’’ (after THIS long) it really means…’‘I’m not ready to marry YOU.’’ Sadly, that is how I see it.
I agree with Liberano, he wants to leave his options open, and continue with the status quo. Marriage starts to look like nothing more than a ‘piece of paper,’ to guys like your bf, because to him, what would change with marrying you? Maybe he likes that he keeps you on edge…never knowing if he’ll walk out. Maybe he has a fear of commitment for some reason. He could walk out if you married him, too, but there is a legal binding agreement at that point…so, that is most likely why he is skittish. The more time that passes, the easier it becomes to not ask you.
I would make plans to move on…unless, you want to wait another 9 years. I don’t mean to be harsh, please know I say this to you out of concern. Please do not continue sleeping with him, and making more children until you are married to him. That, is my strongest piece of advice to you. If he leaves you because of this, then you know…he is not the right one. Stand up for what you believe in, don’t let a man rob you of your faith or your values. No man is worth it. If you stay in this, as status quo, you WILL be settling. And why do you feel you don’t deserve better, if that is what you choose?
God bless, and good luck to you! Prayers going out for you. :gopray:*
First and foremost, whether you leave him or not, you must immediately stop having sex with him. So even if he doesn’t leave the house, he must leave the bedroom. Why should he marry you? He is getting everything he wants and the door is always open for him to leave anytime he wants. You can go after him for child support, but you will get nothing else from him.
Plus, you are setting a horrendous example for your child. You are telling her it’s okay for women to give their bodies away to a man without asking anything back from him, that women are just cheap playthings for men to do as they want.
You’ve had 9 years of this. I would strongly suggest that you start listening to Dr. Laura. She would just let you have it. You are “shacking up”, showing no respect for yourself or your child.
Get some counseling, and change your situation. You are living in a state of sin, completely cut off from God. You can’t expect anything to get better until you restore your relationship with God. You say you want to raise your child as a Catholic - you aren’t even close.
There is nothing anyone can do to make him change. He is who he is, and you are accepting it. For God’s sake, and I mean that literally, wake up and take charge of your life. Show your child what chastity and purity means.