Head of House responsibilities


#1

I've been faced with what I consider a horrible delima. My wife's 21 year old daughter came for a visit. Laying on top of her toiletries bag in plain view in the main bathroom of the house were some birth control pills that are obviously being used. This really bothers me.

Since this evil is something that has been brought into my house, I feel a moral responsibility to reach out to her and tell her about the intrinsic evil of contraception. I do not feel the need to speak to her about fornication as that is pretty obvious and it's not something that is taking place in my house.

I feel that her bringing the pills into my house, me being the spiritual leader of this house, makes this an issue for me and places an obligation on me to speak to her.

Her mother says absolutly no way should I say anything to her daughter. I somewhat feel like my burden is lifted because my wife wants to take on the job of "teaching the ignorant" but not completely.

This is really ripping me up. Any ideas on how I should handle this?:confused:


#2

Perhaps she has been given these pills to regulate her period (very common,) She might be chaste, but taking them for a medical condition.

Your wife should speak to her to find out the motive.


#3

[quote="Mary_Gail_36, post:2, topic:219981"]
Perhaps she has been given these pills to regulate her period (very common,) She might be chaste, but taking them for a medical condition.

Your wife should speak to her to find out the motive.

[/quote]

I second this. Ask your wife to talk to her about it. Especially since it sounds like you are her step-father, I dont think she would find a sex talk appropriate...


#4

I'm not interested in a sex talk. I want to talk about how offended I am about her bringing that garbage into my house.

If there are legitimate reasons, I wish she would be up front. There is one thing my wife's kids have always known and my sons know-I'm very approachable when it comes to a good sincere chat.


#5

Yes, you may be approachable, but most 21 year old women don't want to discuss their periods with their step-father. I feel this is should be between your wife and her daughter:shrug:

[quote="cathcapt, post:4, topic:219981"]
I'm not interested in a sex talk. I want to talk about how offended I am about her bringing that garbage into my house.

If there are legitimate reasons, I wish she would be up front. There is one thing my wife's kids have always known and my sons know-I'm very approachable when it comes to a good sincere chat.

[/quote]


#6

Again, not interested in talking about her sexuality in any way. An evil has been brought into my house and I'm deeply disturbed about this. No different than if she(or anyone) brought illegal drugs, porn etc. into the house.


#7

[quote="cathcapt, post:6, topic:219981"]
Again, not interested in talking about her sexuality in any way. An evil has been brought into my house and I'm deeply disturbed about this. No different than if she(or anyone) brought illegal drugs, porn etc. into the house.

[/quote]

If it's medicine it would not be evil. It's evil if it's contraceptive.


#8

[quote="cathcapt, post:1, topic:219981"]
Any ideas on how I should handle this?:confused:

[/quote]

[LIST=1]
*]She's 21. Not your business.
*]She's not your daughter. Not your business.
[/LIST]


#9

[quote="cathcapt, post:4, topic:219981"]
I'm not interested in a sex talk. I want to talk about how offended I am about her bringing that garbage into my house.

If there are legitimate reasons, I wish she would be up front. There is one thing my wife's kids have always known and my sons know-I'm very approachable when it comes to a good sincere chat.

[/quote]

Cathcapt, you signed up for this when you married a woman with children. Stay out of it altogether.


#10

[quote="Apollos, post:8, topic:219981"]
[LIST=1]
*]She's 21. Not your business.
*]She's not your daughter. Not your business.
[/LIST]

[/quote]

It IS his business because it's in HIS home. It's not like he's going into her dorm room or apartment and went poking around for it.

I would ask her mom to have the talk though. If she's willing to do it.

And I don't think the spiritual work of mercy of reproving the sinner magically ends when a person turns 18. First though you need to determine if she is taking it for medical reasons (again, I'd think this would be better determined by mom!).


#11

[quote="cathcapt, post:6, topic:219981"]
Again, not interested in talking about her sexuality in any way. An evil has been brought into my house and I'm deeply disturbed about this. No different than if she(or anyone) brought illegal drugs, porn etc. into the house.

[/quote]

I'm sorry, whose house is it? If you don't want a contracepting garden implement in your house, tell her she's not welcome. But that would offend her mother, who happens to be your wife. Sorry to harp on this, but didn't you think about this when you married her? Isn't this a routine problem with blended families?


#12

[quote="Apollos, post:8, topic:219981"]
[LIST=1]
*]She's 21. Not your business.
*]She's not your daughter. Not your business.
[/LIST]

[/quote]

I totally concur! That is between her and God.


#13

Contraception is evil in and of itself. It's not just medicine.

Don't I have an obligation to speak up when something morally offensive is brought into my house?

What about the bible story where it talks about if you see another sinning, you should counsel them thereby placing a heap of burning coals on their head and you are then relieved of any moral accountability.

If we see evil and say nothing, are we not assuming some responsibility? So to what extent do I go to fulfill my obligation?


#14

As the husband of this young woman's mother, this is most certainly his business. But not his right to be unkind or judgemental about this issue. It is a very delicate topic that requires profound respect for the step-daughter, though her actions may be immoral.

You do not need to deal with this right now, though it would be good to establish if there are underlying medical issues (probably are none, but good to rule out. Your wife should do this). Cathcapt, I believe you should buy some of the pro-chastity materials available Catholic websites and read them, then share them with your wife. Read anything relating to JPII's "Theology of the Body" and "The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband." You need to have a comfortable knowledge of the facts about promiscuity and purity, and be ready discuss them in a meaningful, relevant way.... if ever.

Read these materials and pray about this. Your step-daughter is broken in many ways due to her parent's divorce. promiscuity is a symptom of this. Your first response should be to pray for her. Second, build up your relationship with her in as many ways as possible. Make many spiritual sacrifices for her.... storm heaven for her, but do not tell her about the feelings you have now.... it could ruin your relationship.

She needs a good man in her life right now. Model our Heavenly Father's unconditional love for all of us by showering her with love and kindness. Reserve judgement and work on building trust. Look for the good in your step-daughter. Pray for her, your wife, and your marriage. You and your wife must be "of one mind" on this matter. You should, however, discuss with your wife what the consequences of failed contraception will do to her daughter and about STDs, plus the carcinogenic tendencies of ABC. Lots to discuss, go slowly.


#15
  1. She does not live in YOUR house.

  2. She is a GUEST.

Treat her hospitably.

Thus, do not say anything because if you did it would be incredibly rude. You don't treat guests that way. And don't compare the pills to illegal drugs-in that situation, you could be on the hook for having them ni your house. With the pills, the cops won't be pounding on your door.

AND if you don't like it, tell your wife that you can no longer have her as a guest. I'm sure that will go over well.


#16

"It is a very delicate topic that requires profound respect for the step-daughter"

I have noone to turn to to discuss this matter. This is why I'm seeking perspective here.


#17

It is a very difficult situation... just ask your wife to check with her daughter about possible medical issues such as:

1) absence of cycles

2) polycystic ovarian syndrome

3) endrocrine issues

4) abnormal bleeding

Seriously, if I was your wife, I would definitely want to know if my adult daughter was having any reproductive system problems, in order to help my daughter find the best medical treatment to solve the problem. Your wife can check this out without making it a big issue by saying something to her daughter like "I saw those Pills and I'm a little worried that you might be having a problem, like irregular cycles or something" and leave it at that. There should be nothing in your wife's tone that would make her daughter defensive, the daughter should hear only kindness and concern. Would this be agreeable to your wife? In this way you could rule out health issues as the reason for your step daughter taking the pill.


#18

[quote="cathcapt, post:1, topic:219981"]
I've been faced with what I consider a horrible delima. My wife's 21 year old daughter came for a visit. Laying on top of her toiletries bag in plain view in the main bathroom of the house were some birth control pills that are obviously being used. This really bothers me.

Since this evil is something that has been brought into my house, I feel a moral responsibility to reach out to her and tell her about the intrinsic evil of contraception. I do not feel the need to speak to her about fornication as that is pretty obvious and it's not something that is taking place in my house.

I feel that her bringing the pills into my house, me being the spiritual leader of this house, makes this an issue for me and places an obligation on me to speak to her.

Her mother says absolutly no way should I say anything to her daughter. I somewhat feel like my burden is lifted because my wife wants to take on the job of "teaching the ignorant" but not completely.

This is really ripping me up. Any ideas on how I should handle this?:confused:

[/quote]

While it's your house, it's also her mother's house and therefore you should keep out of that issue as long as you're certain that she knows your stance about contraception. The alternative would be to forbid her to come to your house, which I think is not feasible and might destroy your marriage. The pill itself is irrelevant; it has no moral status. Remember the passage of the glutton, which we heard a few weeks ago at the sunday Holy Mass. Abraham says, after the glutton asks him to let him warn his brothers about their behavior: "They have Moses and the Prophets; let them hear them." God Himself allowed fallen people to inhabit the world He created.


#19

ok, two things:

1) Hormone pills are NOT INTRINSICALLY SINFUL. They are like money, morally neutral. The purpose to which they are being put is either morally good or morally evil. Unless you know for a fact that they are being used for contraception instead of other uses (Heavey periods, PCOS, etc.) assume the best of her. Trust can go a long way in building relationships that can prove positive to this young woman in her faith life.

2) Seriously, dont talk to her about this. If it bothers you that badly, tell your wife and ask her to talk to her daughter. If you broach this subject yourself it could be absolutely catastrophic. Having three sisters, two of whom were step sisters, and having watched my mother try to talk to them, I know firsthand how horrible it can go. And I do mean horrible. Let your wife deal with it.

FSC


#20

FSC-your post spoke the most clearly to me. Thank you-I have a clearer opinion of things now and am at peace with the issue. I will peacefully chat with my wife and let her deal with it. I will assume the best. Again thanks. And for all others who understand my delima and offered thoughts-thank you.


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