Heartbreak


#1

I don’t know what to do.

I was in a happy relationship for 3 years. We got together just after my 20th birthday and just before his. After one year together I moved to the other end of the country for university but we managed to keep up a successful long distance relationship.
Sometimes it was hard, really hard, but I believed it was worth it because I honestly thought (and still do) that one day we would marry.

In July I got a job which meant I had to stay in London (where I go to school) which was obviously good as I needed the money but bad because it meant I would see him less.
I came home for a few days before the job started. He suffers from depression, on and off his whole life. When I was home he told me how down he was feeling with his dead-end job and life in general. I apologised for not being around enough to help him but he reasurred me that he understood why I was staying away and was proud of me for finding a job in such difficult times. He then told me I make him really happy and was one of the best things in his life.

A couple of weeks later we got into an argument over the phone about visiting. I said I needed time to cool off. I rang him back a little later and was willing to compromise and either pay half of the train fare or just go home myself instead of him coming down because I really wanted to see him in my time off. He told me he didn’t think it was working as we “always had the same arguement” (I SWEAR we only had that arguement about 4 seperate occasions in nearly 3 years and we rarely ever argued!) and that he couldn’t be fully committed to me and he thought it would be best to break up. I was obviously crushed.
A few hours later he rang me back crying saying he didn’t know what he was doing and that he was so sorry and wanted me back. He decided he would come to visit the following weekend as we needed to see each other. He told me he thought our relationship had become a bit routine due to the distance, which I totally agreed with and he asked if we could try to start a fresh when he visits.

For the next week he told me he loved me every day and exressed how sorry he was for hurting me.

Once he got off the train I knew something was wrong, he looked so down and ill.
We got back to mine and he broke up with me saying he had tried his best but he just didn’t feel the same anymore and therefore couldn’t be with me.
He stayed all weekend.

It has now been six weeks and I am home for a little while before school starts again as my summer job has ended.

I have saw him twice, the second time was a night out and some drunk girl tried to kiss him. I obviously got upset and because I had a couple of drinks I ended up asking him to come back to me.
He has since sent me a message explaining we shouldn’t see each other anymore until I get over it.

The thing is, I don’t think I ever will. Please don’t say I am only young (nearly 23) and that because he was my first real love I will move on because I can’t see how I will. If anything the pain is getting worse as time goes by.
I have never lost my faith in God during this time, if anything its got stronger. I have been praying for guidance and I honestly believe that God has been giving me signs that one day we will get back together. The thing which is hard is the not knowing. I’m scared incase these signs are from the devil to through me off, or incase it will take years for us to get back together.
My friend (also Catholic) told me that God wouldn’t let me see these signs unless they were from Him as He wouldn’t want me to be more upset than what is necessarry so would have prevented me from seeing/hearing etc.

I honestly thought after university was finished (I have one year left) and we got used to seeing each other on a regular basis again that we would marry. We are best friends as well which makes it so hard.

Please give me some advice as I don’t know what else I can do. The pain is so bad, worse than anything I have ever experienced before.

Thank you.


#2

Hiya!

Breakups are really awful and it sounds like you are going through some tough times. Just hang in there and have faith that things will work out in the end. Time heals, although it may seem to you now that you will never get over your ex.

You two might get together again, these things do happen, but please don’t spend years hoping and waiting and possibly even humiliating yourself in front of him. I’ve done it and many of my friends have done it and that never results in anything positive. Men hate being pursued by ex girlfriends. I’ve learned that the hard way. What I mean is: don’t call him. Don’t suggest you visit him. Don’t ask about him if you can help it (you don’t want to know if he is dating other girls). Block him from Facebook. Just delete him from your life, at least for a few months.

Basically, if you suddenly dissappear from his life he might realise how much he misses you and that breaking up was a mistake.

But in case he doesn’t, and decides that breaking up was the right thing to do, then he is doing you a favour. You don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t truly love you and is not prepared to give you everything you need. I have a male friend who was pursued by a girl and ended up going out with her because there was nobody more exciting around. I’ve always felt bad for her because she kept the relationship going and always wondered why he wasn’t more loving/active/appreciative. You don’t want that. You need a man who will know that he wants to be with you and marry you.

Most relationships go through some kind of a crisis at one point. Maybe this is your case. It is still early to tell so don’t despair but don’t make grand plans on how to get him back either. It’s not in your hands at the moment. So many women waste a lot of time wondering about what men want and how to make them happy. When it comes to dating I believe that the mature way to approach it is to prioritise what you want. As I’ve already said, it should be a man who cares about you, wants to be with you and treats you with respect. (Btw, you said he came to visit you, told you it was over and then stayed for the weekend. !!??)
Think about it from this perspective. Protect yourself from further heartache by making wise decisions.

I hope this has helped a bit. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Big hug :hug1:


#3

Thank you for your reply.

I understand your points but I am finding it so hard. I don’t have any closure and I think because of this it will be harder to get over him (if I ever manage to). I don’t understand how he could go from thinking of me as the best thing in his life to not feeling the same anymore in little under 3 weeks. If this was possible then why am I feeling worse not better at 6 weeks?!
There is no reason for his mind to change except for his depression and the pressure of the distance getting on top of him. And if this is the reason I wish he would give us another go. He said he tried to get the feelings back, but how could he try without seeing me and without allowing me to try with him?

We were so right for each other in every way, best friends as well as partners and he was the one who said he wanted to be with me forever which made me get that idea in my head.
I just feel so lost without him. :frowning:


#4

Yes, don’t call him or contact him if that’s what he wants. You may think you owe it to him to stand by him and so on, even if he doesn’t want it, but there’s still a lot of life before each of you and there’s plenty of time to meet up again if you both decide you want to be together.

Avoiding contact for some time is a good idea because it’s going to be painful, as you have already noticed. It’s good that you’re willing to endure suffering for a relationship, but in this case, you’ve already broken up and it’s going to be hurtful, while probably doing no good to either of you.

You need some rest now and you too need to sort it out. Allow yourself some rest. Don’t fall behind with school. Don’t neglect your friends. Find some time alone if you need it, but don’t overdo it and become a hermit. :wink:


#5

I know what you mean, not having closure makes it tough. Plus you can’t explain the change in his attitude to you.
From my previous experiences I have learned that men don’t always tell us complete truth when breaking up. He says that he doesn’t feel anything. Hm. Fair enough, feelings change. Thing is, you just can’t know what someone is thinking. Also, he could elaborate on this change at lenght and you still might reject his story. I wouldn’t bother finding out if I were you. It really doesn’t help matters and you would still obssess over it. Think of yourself, take care of yourself, protect yourself from further pain and let him sort himself out. Seriously.
It might take a bit longer for you to start feeling better. Maybe a few months. But I swear, there will come a day when you will get up in the morning and the first thing that comes into your head will not be about him.


#6

I don’t know how to stay away from him. We have similar friends.
Tonight I’m going out with friends, planned it over a week ago, now apparently he is going too. I feel like if I go I will have a rubbish night but if I don’t I will have a rubbish night and wonder what he is doing etc. I know if I go I shouldn’t talk to him, and I won’t.
I sent him a message saying I really feel like we need to have a conversation face to face alone and sober because we have not had one since the break up. I told him I promise I won’t beg him anymore because I won’t and infact I hadn’t since the 1st week after the split, it only happend on Saturday night because I was a bit drunk and had saw that girl try to kiss him.
I have to give him his things back, I can’t keep them anymore as they make me too sad. And I owe him £159 because in December we are going to a music festival together (with 4 other males) and he bought everyones ticket. I couldn’t pay him sooner because I had to work this summer for the money.

Do you think God would be sending me signs that one day we will get back together? I honestly believed He had been but after this weekend I feel unsure.
I don’t want to give up hope for us because of his depression I feel like I have to be strong for the both of us but it is so hard.

thanks


#7

I think it is a very good idea to meet up when sober, especially since you have to give him money and his things. Plus it won’t be such a shock when you see him out having fun.
When you go out maybe you could drink soft drinks in order to stay sober. That way you’d be less likely to cause a scene or have a meltdown in front of your friends. Keep your dignity at any cost. :thumbsup:

I don’t know about signs from God. I think we tend to interpret things in a certain way in difficult situations. Just pray without an agenda. God will give you what you need, that’s for sure. It might not be what you want at this point but He always does what is best for us.

Also, his depression is not for you to handle. People can get professional help. I’m all for sticking with loved ones who have health problems, but an ex bf is not your responsibility. You can’t really help him except be there for him, but that is not what he wants at the moment. He’ll be fine, don’t you worry. Take care of yourself first.


#8

We are best friends too. He told me on Saturday night that he still wanted to be best friends, though he obviously thinks it will take a while to be normal.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, even if in time the love changes I don’t think it will ever go away. Therefore I can’t see how I won’t worry about him.
He told me he wasn’t going to drink anymore for a while as it makes him worse. However at least since I came home he has been drinking several times a week (could have been doing it before I came home, but obviously I wasn’t around to see/hear about it)
The first time we saw each other he was drunk and I asked why and he said he needed to get drunk to handle his nerves about seeing me.

Regarding the signs from God;
I moved house about 2 weeks after the break up. It was on a Wednesday. On the Sunday I spent a while studying google maps to learn the way to walk to church. On the way to church I really felt lost and had an awful feeling that I wasn’t going the right way. I was so close to turning around and going home but I really wanted some guidance from God and to pray so I was determined to find it, I continued and found the church in less than 5 minutes.
The mass was all about how God is with the broken hearted and that you have to work at relationships and marriage.
I prayed for God to give me a sign that we’d get back together and if I didn’t get one I would accept that we were not meant to be together no matter how perfect we seemed to be for each other.

On my way home I saw a banana skin on the ground. Now I know that sounds random but once at least 8 months ago I saw a banana skin on the ground. I told him it reminded me of him because he loves bananas and ate them all the time. He told me he loved that we had that connection. Every so often I would see them, randomly, always on the pavement. I even saw one when I went to Oslo in June and was wishing he was with me.
I was sure that was a sign that we were meant to get back.
I had two weeks left in London at my job before coming home for a bit before school, so to be sure that banana skin was a sign I prayed to see one again before coming home. Its not really a common thing to see and since June I have only seen two which I believe God has given to me.
Two days before I was due to come home I was walking home from work. Now usually I walk through the car park as it is the quickest way. I did walk most of the way through the car park but the gate was locked which meant I had to go all the way back and round the longer way. While doing this I came across another banana skin.

Now surely if I prayed for this, and God loves me and knows me so would know how I would interpet this, He would only let me see banana skins if He was showing me to have some faith and one day we will get back?
I can’t really talk to many friends about this because most aren’t Catholic (or anything for that matter) so most think I’m crazy or seeing what I want to see etc.
But I honestly think it is too coincidental, and Albert Einstien did say that coincidents are God’s way of remaning annonomus.

Thanks
x

Ps sorry if my spelling is bad.


#9

‘Best friends’… I have to say that he sounds a little bit immature. So he has left you but you are his best friend and he wants to keep you in that role. Obvioulsy he does, since you sound like a loving and kind person. To me that sounds like he is being selfish. He is probably not aware of it and sees nothing wrong with being ‘best friends’ after a relationship of 3 years. It might seem like a natural step. I don’t want to have a go at your ex but it seems to me he has everything to gain (freedom to date other girls and you as his best friend) and you have a lot to lose. Could you handle his love drama? More importantly - why would you? Women tend to be such masochists when it comes to love.

Think about what it means to be a true friend. Don’t let him take advantage of you and your feelings. Even the nicest guys sometimes behave like brats and treat women in terrible ways.


#10

Contemplate on Jesus’ Passion. :slight_smile:


#11

I agree… really lean on Jesus during this time. You will soon see that no mortal man can cause you pain when you are complete in Him.


#12

I understand where you’re coming from saying he sounds a little immature, he is, but in fairness I am a bit too.
We are best friends (or at least were) which is why the break up is so hard. He told me he loves me in more of a friend way. Its annoying because around Easter time when I came home for a month I had been going through these doubts (like is it love love or friend love) because at two & half years you’re obviously not in the “honeymoon” phase anymore. This makes you doubt your feelings, but I realised that actually I do love him and its better to be in this phase as we were much closer and more comfortable and it was generally better. I’m thinking maybe he was going through similar thoughts but with his depression and the distance he found it all too hard.

Because of his depression I know he won’t be dating anyone anytime soon, so therefore I wouldn’t have to deal with any “love drama” but at the same time I don’t think he’d ever go into too much detail with me if he did get someone new (Like I think he’d tell me to be honest but wouldn’t say more than than). Which I could handle in time. (I hope).

I am trying my best to believe that this is God’s plan for me and He will direct me to happiness either by us getting back together in the future or finding someone else but it is so hard and it doesn’t stop the pain.
I just wish someone could tell me if that was a sign from God or if I am reading too much into it. Because I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope for us :frowning:


#13

The best friends thing can actually be a bit of a romantic notion… Don’t get hopes of a platonic love, with him being a central person in your life, although in a bit of a different role and so on. This is not to say you can’t be friends after this, but you need to see the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship. Things will be a bit clearer some time from now - right now, things are a bit foggy and they will be for a while.


#14

Breakups are really difficult…But sometimes they are for the best…Believe me! Let me try to explain why…I was with someone like that, whom was always down and if not down depressed, most of his life, he couldn’t find the real joy until he was around me…AND when he saw how independent I was it would bring him down…Well I married this man, we broke up before we got married but got together and married…Even though I thank GOD for my children, he was the biggest mistake of my life, but I don’t regret him…He taught me a lot about manipulation and deceipt…

I tried to learn from him so I didn’t become like him and for a while I became his pawn, it was devastating for myself and my family…Very disappointing.

Soon the love died of being mistreated and not respected ever, and I did end up leaving him and divorcing him…It was for the best…It was the worst thing to feel when you know you can’t live with the person whom you loved so much, when you know you don’t love this person, it’s a rude awakening, it hurts really bad even though it’s you whom’s leaving…and not the other way around. It was the most painful thing I have ever had to do…and after I left him I cried for him and said “screw it I will live with him that way who cares!” And it’s not right…My children would have suffered worst because he was all ready manipulating our daughter, the eldest…She would tell him everything we would do on a daily basis and have her follow me and then tell him…It was really hard to change her from that…And it was even more difficult when it came time for me to fall in love again…

The distrust, the fear, the comparison…Even if you gave yourself 10 years and then looked for love it will come back…People always say, “give yourself time the longer the better let your heart heal!” But a friend of mine around her 40’s waited 20 years until all her kids were grown after her marriage failed, and even 20 years later and a new grandma from her eldest being married with a child, she started dating and things from her exhusband would come back…She decided she couldn’t deal with it and stopped dating…and the man she was dating was one of the kindest men I had ever met…I felt bad for both of them…But a few years later he kept on going, he didn’t give up until he swept her off her feet again… And so far they are doing well…Once in a while I will hear her comparing and bothering him about things but he is actually really compassionate and tells me he compares her too and they both realize it and stop… lol… work in progress!! LOL

Or like my grandmother whom never remarried after being married for 30 years I believe it was, she was married at age 20 and widowed at 50 or 60…She met my grandfather at a bar, he was on leave from the military in our home country and then 24 hours later they were announcing their wedding and a month later were married! LOL And if it wasn’t for him being murdered, he would be looking at her with his loving eyes telling her how much he loved his caramel colored woman! LOL I strongly believe that because he was the best father my mother could have ever had…My grandmother has never been with another man, she has dedicated herself to GOD and her family and friends…that’s it…He showed her that much love she told me there is no comparison and she rather wake up alone than in the arms of another man…Now that is love…

And there are other people whom after a breakup give themselves 24 hours and are back to dating all over again…They tell me “it’s just another guy, but hopefully this one will be the one!” :smiley: So at least hey are hopeful and don’t get discouraged when one guy just leaves them for no reason…

The point is not to let yourself fall into despair and sadness…Don’t feel sorry for yourself either, you did nothing wrong…Some people just don’t like the pressure of actually fighting and waiting for their love…Others like it easy…But see what you showed is that you can handle the pressures of a difficult relationship girl you are definitely going to be able to handle marriage!! :wink: Whenever your heavenly sent man sweeps you off your feet! :wink: So don’t give up, stay strong, get yourself into reading the Bible, get involved in your Church’s community activities, and don’t stop being yourself. Go and have fun with your friends, read more, listen to more music, keep yourself distracted and you will feel a lot better faster…

God bless and good luck!


#15

Distract yourself from thinking about him. It won’t do you any good, and will just prolong and intensify the pain. Study hard, work hard, and pray hard.
Most of us have known true heart break (I certainly have) and there is only one way to get through it, and that is just through prayer and sheer will power.
It truly does get better, if that is any consolation. I know it feels like your heart has been ripped out, but it will get better.
Hugs and prayers to you…


#16

I’m sorry–breakups are tough. I don’t think you are too young to feel this way, I was married at your age. :wink: I will say this though, it’s possible that this guy didn’t feel for you, the way you thought. And maybe that’s why he ‘seems’ over you, and you are still pining away. I would not call…I would not visit. I would move on. He seems like he pushes and pulls you like a yo-yo. Depression can only be the excuse for so long…it doesn’t sound like it’s the right relationship for you, so pray for God to mend your broken heart…and move forward with your life. I will be praying for you, as well. Hugs in the meantime from me! I know it hurts right now. :frowning: :hug1:


#17

My sister in Christ,

Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years.

23 is absolutely not too young for love, nor is it too young for heartbreak. I was about your age when I had the worst heartbreak of my life.

6 weeks is in no way an unreasonable amount of time to grieve. If you had been hit by a train, would you expect to walk in 6 weeks? This will take time.

Sometimes people say that they are positive that they love you when they aren’t really.

Sometimes we can interpret something to be a sign from God when it isn’t. I recall finding a four-leaf clover with heart-shaped leaves and believed this to be a sign from God. However, the man in question is now just a distant memory.

If you do not stay away from this man, you will not be able to heal.

Men who ask to be “best friends” while having the freedom to date other women do not always have your best intentions in mind.

I do not believe in closure. There is no perfect conversation that you can have with this person that will make everything better.

Married people may trivialize what you are going through. But I remember dating as a life-or-death issue. I am not trying to trivialize your heartbreak when I say that there can still be love beyond that kind of heartbreak.

My advice is that you try to accept that this is the end. That way, you are prepared for the worst, and you are also prepared to learn how to live again. There is nothing you can do that will convince this man that he should love you. He will come to that conclusion by himself or not at all.

Even though I was once in love with my best friend, and he married someone else, I still recovered, and I am happily married with a little one. God has a plan, even if it’s different from yours.


#18

thank you for all your replies.

There have been other “signs” which have made me think God is trying to show me we will get back one day.
For example,
Just under two weeks after we split, I came home for a couple of days as I was off work. I was sitting on facebook chat and I started talking to girl I knew somewhat but not that well (to cut a long story short I went to school and then later worked with her fiancee, we became good friends but he moved off to uni so I saw him less often, when he came home he brought his girlfriend to visit and I have met her a few times shes really nice but we werent really close) we all kept in touch via facebook very occassionally but I hadn’t seen either of them for over a year.
Anyways I was talking to her on the chat thing and she told me she was in my area so asked if I fancied meeting up. I did and told her what had happend. She told me a really similar thing happend between her and my friend and they broke up for a while as he was really depressed and it made him think he wasn’t in love with her anymore. After he got some help for his depression he started realising he made a massive mistake and they got back together. It took them a while to get back to normal, but now, over a year and a half since they split they are engaged and planning their wedding next December.
She is also a Catholic and she told me she believes that it wasn’t by chance that we met up that day as our situations were too similar. She told me obviously she can’t say 100% I will get back with my ex (because only God knows) but she believes it is too similar of a situation and too random of us meeting up again for there not to be a reason behind it.

He has not had any help for his depression. He has told me he doesn’t believe he deserves to be happy. I then told him that even the nastiest person in the world still deserves to be happy because EVERYONE does and until he accepts that he can never be happy. He said he is considering getting help.
However recently since being home he has been getting drunk several times a week and he has never been a big drinker. I know him saying he is fine and over it isn’t true. Even if he doesn’t love me anymore I know he is not fine because he is acting too differently.

I know you say depression is only an excuse for so long but he has never once blammed his depression. I am the one who is saying this is why because honestly there is no way he would act like this otherwise. Maybe he will never love me again, but because we will never know until it does or doesn’t happen I know I will never give up hope.
I will continue with my life yes, but I will always care for him and hope maybe one day things will change.

I do honestly think God wouldn’t have arranged for me and my friend to meet up with such similar circumstances unless there was a reason though.

thanks


#19

Sometimes we meet people to help us grow, not necessarily because God wants us to marry that particular person. I have had feelings like you have in the past for other guys…but, had I hung on, I wouldn’t have met my awesome husband. So, there’s nothing wrong with hoping, but also don’t put pass up a nice man, waiting on another man to be what you’re hoping for. :o That’s all. Just my ramblings. God bless.


#20

If his depression gets to that point, he isn’t himself, in the sense that he isn’t a free person. Freeing himself of that depression is the way to make his real personality talk. You can’t be happy with someone who believes he doesn’t deserve to be happy.


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