I don’t know what to do.
I was in a happy relationship for 3 years. We got together just after my 20th birthday and just before his. After one year together I moved to the other end of the country for university but we managed to keep up a successful long distance relationship.
Sometimes it was hard, really hard, but I believed it was worth it because I honestly thought (and still do) that one day we would marry.
In July I got a job which meant I had to stay in London (where I go to school) which was obviously good as I needed the money but bad because it meant I would see him less.
I came home for a few days before the job started. He suffers from depression, on and off his whole life. When I was home he told me how down he was feeling with his dead-end job and life in general. I apologised for not being around enough to help him but he reasurred me that he understood why I was staying away and was proud of me for finding a job in such difficult times. He then told me I make him really happy and was one of the best things in his life.
A couple of weeks later we got into an argument over the phone about visiting. I said I needed time to cool off. I rang him back a little later and was willing to compromise and either pay half of the train fare or just go home myself instead of him coming down because I really wanted to see him in my time off. He told me he didn’t think it was working as we “always had the same arguement” (I SWEAR we only had that arguement about 4 seperate occasions in nearly 3 years and we rarely ever argued!) and that he couldn’t be fully committed to me and he thought it would be best to break up. I was obviously crushed.
A few hours later he rang me back crying saying he didn’t know what he was doing and that he was so sorry and wanted me back. He decided he would come to visit the following weekend as we needed to see each other. He told me he thought our relationship had become a bit routine due to the distance, which I totally agreed with and he asked if we could try to start a fresh when he visits.
For the next week he told me he loved me every day and exressed how sorry he was for hurting me.
Once he got off the train I knew something was wrong, he looked so down and ill.
We got back to mine and he broke up with me saying he had tried his best but he just didn’t feel the same anymore and therefore couldn’t be with me.
He stayed all weekend.
It has now been six weeks and I am home for a little while before school starts again as my summer job has ended.
I have saw him twice, the second time was a night out and some drunk girl tried to kiss him. I obviously got upset and because I had a couple of drinks I ended up asking him to come back to me.
He has since sent me a message explaining we shouldn’t see each other anymore until I get over it.
The thing is, I don’t think I ever will. Please don’t say I am only young (nearly 23) and that because he was my first real love I will move on because I can’t see how I will. If anything the pain is getting worse as time goes by.
I have never lost my faith in God during this time, if anything its got stronger. I have been praying for guidance and I honestly believe that God has been giving me signs that one day we will get back together. The thing which is hard is the not knowing. I’m scared incase these signs are from the devil to through me off, or incase it will take years for us to get back together.
My friend (also Catholic) told me that God wouldn’t let me see these signs unless they were from Him as He wouldn’t want me to be more upset than what is necessarry so would have prevented me from seeing/hearing etc.
I honestly thought after university was finished (I have one year left) and we got used to seeing each other on a regular basis again that we would marry. We are best friends as well which makes it so hard.
Please give me some advice as I don’t know what else I can do. The pain is so bad, worse than anything I have ever experienced before.