I have recently returned to the faith. I have been a Catholic my whole life. Had Baptism, communion, and confirmation. However, I never was invested in church. Every time I would start to get invested, I would slip away.
A few months ago I got very angry with God. I am gay and I let what the media showed about God hating gay people get to my head and decided “why would I want to believe in a religion of someone who hates me / would judge me for loving someone?” and decided to look into other faiths. I looked into everything from Buddhism to Pagan religions (not witchcraft that freaks me out). The entire time I found it hard to let go of God. My heart kept fighting against my mind is the only way I can really describe it. I even got to a point where I said “okay maybe all the Gods somehow exist” because I couldn’t seem to let go, but I kept fighting my heart because of my anger and started to follow one of the Pagan faiths and Buddhism for maybe a month or two. I never made any alters or stuff like that, I was just researching and attempting to pray to other deities. However, and I cannot pinpoint exactly when this happened, one day I just realized that I had stopped believing in the other religions and was fully believing in God again. I literally cannot remember how this happened. It was not a debate that happened in my mind. It was Ash Wednesday and I though to myself “oh I have to go get my ashes and pick something to give up for Lent” and I was taken aback. I thought to myself “wait when did I stop following the other religions and return to my Catholic belief?” I think it must have happened around the time I baptized my nephew. I remember being filled with joy that day and if I was not in a believing state I would not have been and I am looking forward to my duty of bringing up my nephew in the faith. I have already bought him his first bible and cannot wait to read it with him when he is older and take him to mass.
Since then I have became extremely invested in my faith. I understand that as a gay individual, I must stay chaste and have accepted that and am no longer angry at God. I honestly don’t know what made me make a complete 180, but I feel more religious then I ever have in my entire life. Since gaining my new found deep faith, I began to read sections of the Bible. I have never done this on my own free will before. I decided I wanted to go to confession and was looking into the sins that I have committed so I can know what to confess and came across Hebrew 6 4-6 and my heart sank into my chest. I realized what I had done before returning to the faith was Apostasy. I immediately began researching if it is true that I can never be forgiven and I see it is a mixed bag of opinions saying it is the unforgivable sin Jesus spoke of. I suffer from anxiety and since this discovery I have felt nothing but sadness and anxiety. Church and listening to religious music was beginning to give me peace and joy and now I can hardly keep myself from crying. If I am truly hell bound, I guess I can do nothing but accept it, but I am hoping I can find the strength to find some happiness again in my faith even if that is the case.