Hello, embarrassing sex questions about my new wife


#1

Hello, and God Bless you all!

My name is Rob and I was married to an amazing woman 2 months ago. We were both virgins upon marrying.
I have some questions about our marital relations:

  1. Obviously being virgins and not very skilled, our first few times were awkward and it only really got better for me. She has a very high sex drive but is unfulfilled by out acts, never reaching climax from the act itself. Is it moral for me to manually pleasure her to climax?

  2. I asked a very good friend of mine who is also Catholic and is slightly older. He is much like an older brother and I absolutely trust him with delicate topics like this since I would feel very awkward discussing it with my Dad. He suggested that I ask my wife to “touch herself how she wants to be touched.” The way he phrased it I dont think he meant that she was supposed to bring herself to a climax, just that I was supposed to watch her to see what she liked incase she couldnt describe it verbally and then take over. Is this moral if it leads to the marital act and I finish the proper way?

  3. She has recently taken a liking to being "on top."
    I have heard that this is sinful, is it? I thought the man was supposed to be on top, with the woman submitting.

Sorry for TMI :frowning: I dont know how else to ask

God Bless.
Rob.


#2
  1. Obviously being virgins and not very skilled, our first few times were awkward and it only really got better for me. She has a very high sex drive but is unfulfilled by out acts, never reaching climax from the act itself. Is it moral for me to manually pleasure her to climax?

Dear Rob,

In my experience, the first time with a new sex parter is usually more awkward than the second, third, or fourth time because you’re learning–about each others endurance, favorite positions, whether they prefer direct or indirect stimulation, etc. It probably has more to do with that and less to do with you being virgins.

She has a very high sex drive but is unfulfilled by out acts, never reaching
climax from the act itself. Is it moral for me to manually pleasure her to climax?

She has more endurance. It’s often the case one partner has more endurance than the other. It’s not sex drive–that’s related to frequency, and until you’re satisfying her, you don’t know how often she wants satisfaction.

In general, if she has more endurance, I would try this approach:

  1. Foreplay - Pleasure her until she’s near climax, but don’t let her pleasure you too much.

  2. Sex - Move onto intercourse. Now you may be able to climax simultaneously, which is more pleasurable and makes you and your partner feel closer.

A few more tips:

  • Find positions that stimulate your partner more than you.
  • Do something when you’re close and she’s not. Switch positions. Think about baseball.
  • Workout your abs. Believe it or not, it helps!

Don’t ignore these problems. It’s easy to compensate, and an unsatisfied partner is more likely to cheat.

PS - Btw, if she’s really a virgin, she bled the first time. Be wary of typical nonsense young women tell you like breaking it one time when she was riding a bike.

PSS - I’m not a Catholic, so I’ll let someone else comment on whether foreplay is a sin!


#3

embarrassing sex questions

And by the way, all humans, and in fact all mature animals have sex, so it’s really nothing to be embarassed about. :slight_smile:


#4

Hi Rob,

Starting with #3, it is not sinful. You’re OK there. If you are having sex, as long as it ends in intercourse and that intercourse is open to life then you’re OK. For more info on this, I recommend you check out NFP (Natural Family Planning).

On #2, I would slightly modify the approach and I would get your wife to guide your hand with hers. Seeing important sometimes, but when it comes to intimacy, feel is important.

I personally agree with LifeIsAbsurd’s comments here:

In my experience, the first time with a new sex parter is usually more awkward than the second, third, or fourth time because you’re learning–about each others endurance, favorite positions, whether they prefer direct or indirect stimulation, etc. It probably has more to do with that and less to do with you being virgins.

She has a very high sex drive but is unfulfilled by out acts, never reaching
climax from the act itself. Is it moral for me to manually pleasure her to climax?

She has more endurance. It’s often the case one partner has more endurance than the other. It’s not sex drive–that’s related to frequency, and until you’re satisfying her, you don’t know how often she wants satisfaction.

In general, if she has more endurance, I would try this approach:

  1. Foreplay - Pleasure her until she’s near climax, but don’t let her pleasure you too much.
  1. Sex - Move onto intercourse. Now you may be able to climax simultaneously, which is more pleasurable and makes you and your partner feel closer.

A few more tips:

  • Find positions that stimulate your partner more than you.
  • Do something when you’re close and she’s not. Switch positions. Think about baseball.
  • Workout your abs. Believe it or not, it helps!

Don’t ignore these problems.

It’s all about communication. Women will tend to not want to make you feel shameful if you can’t bring them to climax, so they will often “fake” it. The truth is that women don’t climax nearly as often as men do, so don’t get discouraged. This will take time, so be patient, keep the lines of communication open, never act discouraged, and learn about each other.

I’d say that the biggest pitfall men fall into is that they approach sex in a selfish manner (particularly those of us that have had addictions to porn). As long as you approach your wife in a self-giving manner and she feels that you’re goal is to unite with her then you are on the right path.

I hope this helps,
Derek


#5
  1. Obviously being virgins and not very skilled, our first few times were awkward and it only really got better for me. She has a very high sex drive but is unfulfilled by out acts, never reaching climax from the act itself. Is it moral for me to manually pleasure her to climax?
    My wife is a little similar but you will find the “drive” becomes cyclical.

I have struggled with your second point - but the answer is simple - is the “act” open to life. If not, then you should try to refrain from it.

  1. I asked a very good friend of mine who is also Catholic and is slightly older. He is much like an older brother and I absolutely trust him with delicate topics like this since I would feel very awkward discussing it with my Dad. He suggested that I ask my wife to “touch herself how she wants to be touched.” The way he phrased it I dont think he meant that she was supposed to bring herself to a climax, just that I was supposed to watch her to see what she liked incase she couldnt describe it verbally and then take over. Is this moral if it leads to the marital act and I finish the proper way?

Meditate on response 1

  1. She has recently taken a liking to being "on top."
    I have heard that this is sinful, is it? I thought the man was supposed to be on top, with the woman submitting.

No problem there as I see it.
It works with point 1.

God bless,
Gary


#6

Up to this point you were doing well. The typical nonsense is your statement. Your unfounded statement could bring about an unnecessary accusation and suspicion between couples. I pity any woman who might marry you.
womensselfesteem.com/breastsvaginasfaq.html#44817

Q. What is a Hymen?
A. It’s a thin protective elastic membrane or strip of skin that partially covers your vaginal opening. When you reached puberty, the hymen stretches easily. A hymen can be torn very easily and may produce some blood when this happens. Dont be afraid, its not life threatening. It can break from exercising, horseback riding, riding a bicycle or from using a tampon.


#7

Granted, I apologize to the original poster. That was completely unfounded and projecting my messed up experiences on you. You trusted her enough to marry. Continue to trust her, and may you have a wonderful marriage. :slight_smile:

The rest of this is a rant addressed to adrift only, so please nobody else continue reading.

The typical nonsense is your statement.

Society applies a more negative stigma to promiscuous women than it does to men, so it’s only natural many downplay how many partners they’ve had.

[quote=“Fisher/Alexander Study”]Women who thought their responses might be read said they had had an average of 2.6 sexual partners, compared with 3.4 partners for those who thought their answers were anonymous. Those who believed they were attached to a polygraph reported an average of 4.4 partners.
[/quote]

I’ve been with two ‘virgins’, and both later turned out not to be. Their excuse, “But I didn’t really love them, so it didn’t count.” I know a couple women who got around, but when they married Christian husbands, pretended to be virgins.

It’s a small sample size, but it’s enough for me to be skeptical. They’re already married though, so it was in poor form to bring it up, and I apologized.

I pity any woman who might marry you.

A couple years into our marriage I discovered she had been married before. She didn’t tell me because… it didn’t really count… it was a marriage of convenience… they didn’t love each other. Pity her if you like. ::shrug::


#8

I have “also” struggled with your second point.

POINT 1

the answer is simple - is the “act” open to life. If not, then you should try to refrain from it.


#9

you did not just say that


#10

Dear friend. Your question is good,and far from embarrassing. The sex-life is a big issue,and when married,both has the right to enjoy it,to a point,there are things that are not “proper” but I think You are safe. I have one advice,and one comment,witch I will start with. Women don’t always bleed the first time,and I think the remarks suggesting she maybe was not a virgin is a comment I can’t tolerate,and I hope that the Moderators will think as I do. What comes to my advice,You love her,give her all You can. And don’t be afraid to ask what she maybe want You to do. She knows “her self” better then You,so keep on asking. God bless.


#11

This is so typical of Non-Christians… this “dont trust people, even your wife”.
Excuse me feller, but when a Christian woman tells her man that she is a virgin and he says he is a virgin, they are not lying. Our faith is first of all about always being in the Truth.
Even suggesting that this mans wife is lying is a offence and you should apologize.


#12

First off - not true! I’ll be the first to admit I’ve made my mistakes and I’m not a virgin, but I definitely did not bleed the first time I had sex. If she had her period and used tampons it’s likely that her hymen broke and some women are born without one. Don’t go doubting your wife based on what the above poster said.

And, as for the foreplay thing, you’re perfectly allowed to have foreplay and even afterplay as long as the male climax happens uncontracepted into the woman’s vagina. And, no it’s not sinful for her to be on top.


#13

Rob you are to be commended for your desire to give pleasure to your lady. Giving and receiving pleasure in marital love is one of the great gifts God has given us.

  1. Obviously being virgins and not very skilled, our first few times were awkward and it only really got better for me. She has a very high sex drive but is unfulfilled by out acts, never reaching climax from the act itself. Is it moral for me to manually pleasure her to climax?

Yes it would be OK. Marital relations are multifold in their benefits and while they need to be ordered toward intercourse and procreation to be proper, they are also one of the most intimate ways to show love and care for your spouse. So long as you desire is to please her and the act is not demeaning in any way - there should be no problem.

  1. I asked a very good friend of mine who is also Catholic and is slightly older. He is much like an older brother and I absolutely trust him with delicate topics like this since I would feel very awkward discussing it with my Dad. He suggested that I ask my wife to “touch herself how she wants to be touched.” The way he phrased it I dont think he meant that she was supposed to bring herself to a climax, just that I was supposed to watch her to see what she liked incase she couldnt describe it verbally and then take over. Is this moral if it leads to the marital act and I finish the proper way?

Same answer as above. You guys are still learning and your enjoyment will only grow as you discover the many ways in which you can show your love for each other. So long as you actions are ordered toward intercourse you are in good shape.

  1. She has recently taken a liking to being "on top."
    I have heard that this is sinful, is it? I thought the man was supposed to be on top, with the woman submitting.

This is an “old wives tale” as far as I am concerned. Absolutely noting problematic about this. In fact it is my prefered position as well for a number of reasons which I won’t go into here. but if you are curious - PM me.

Peace
James


#14

#15

/QUOTE]

Under your way of thinking the only sex act can be the husband putting tab A in the wife’s slot B which of course is totally wrong. The husband must climax inside his wife but acts of sexual foreplay are allowed leading up to that.

Thisle, I agree completely. I suppose it depends on how one defines “act” and what is included in it. To me the “marital act” includes everything from foreplay to afterglow :smiley:

Any act that is mutually pleasurable and desireable and not demeaning or unhealthy is pretty much acceptable - so long as the consumation of the act is open to life.

Peace
James
[/quote]


#16

Once again, ignorance rears its ugly head.

I thought education had come so much farther…:frowning:


#17

Congratulations on your marriage, Rob!

One statement can answer all of your questions: if the marital act (taken as a whole) is open to the creation of new life, and is done in an attitude of marital chastity and self-gift, then it is acceptable.

So, based on that:

#1 - YES (as long as marital intercourse follows).

#2 - YES (as long as it’s for your, ahem, education, and marital intercourse follows).

#3 - NOT SINFUL. The Church does not legislate positions, as long as actual intercourse occurs.

As you see, there is plenty of leeway inside the basic confines of Church doctrine on marital relations.

Most importantly, COMMUNICATE with your wife. That is the key – in sexual and in other arenas – to a successful marriage.

God bless you.


#18

Also, in case you think you're doing something wrong (technique, I mean), many women cannot climax with intercourse alone.


#19

Yes, you show ignorance in claiming my point is false merely because you dislike it when I’ve already provided (a) a small study and (b) practical experience backing up that in the great majority of cases it applies… including folks who claim to be Christians (the easy out is to say they’re not real Christians, but then, their Christian partners who trusted them had no way of knowing that). Of course, some women are honest about their sexual experiences.

I provided a long message that was intended to help the original poster, and I’ve already apologized for the one line that was in poor form. Hopefully we can move on.

May the statistics not apply in the case of anyone reading this. :wink:


#20
  1. It is completely moral for you to pleasure her any way she wants. Manually, orally, whatever. According to the Church, as long as YOU finish inside HER, you’re fine. She doesn’t have to finish through intercourse, and she probably never will. No problem there.

  2. Sure, I don’t see why this would be a problem. It will help you learn a lot, I am sure. Just so long as she’s doing it briefly just to show you, and doesn’t go on with it for long, it shouldn’t be a problem.

  3. **THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SINFUL POSITION.
    **
    Good luck.


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