Hello. I am seeking some advice on marriage issues


#1

Hello all. I am a "newbie" here and was told this is a very good forum, and I need some help just now. In the marriage dept. if you please.

My name is Corinne, and I am in deep and forever returning grief for what my husband has done to me and our family. He has taken up going to strip joints and taken up with one particular stripper from there and my heart is shattered. He says he did not have "sex" with her only nude lap dances, wheww, well for the past 3 years. This is enough for my heart and trust to be shattered and I really need advice. If you can offer it. My h says since he did not have "sex" with her that he did not commit adultery, but I feel he most certainly did, just by what he was engaging in. We have been separated now for the 4th time in 2 years, when I found out about further activities, on his end. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I would really like to gather some advice and opinions and spiritual guidance. Thank you in advance.

:o


#2

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:188142"]
Hello all. I am a "newbie" here and was told this is a very good forum, and I need some help just now. In the marriage dept. if you please.

My name is Corinne, and I am in deep and forever returning grief for what my husband has done to me and our family. He has taken up going to strip joints and taken up with one particular stripper from there and my heart is shattered. He says he did not have "sex" with her only nude lap dances, wheww, well for the past 3 years. This is enough for my heart and trust to be shattered and I really need advice. If you can offer it. My h says since he did not have "sex" with her that he did not commit adultery, but I feel he most certainly did, just by what he was engaging in. We have been separated now for the 4th time in 2 years, when I found out about further activities, on his end. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I would really like to gather some advice and opinions and spiritual guidance. Thank you in advance.

:o

[/quote]

How long have you been married?


#3

Is you husband a practicing Catholic? If not, what is is religion? That makes a big difference (if he is a pagan or an atheist or a relativist he will not accept the Scriptures on this.)


#4

[quote="kage_ar, post:3, topic:188142"]
Is you husband a practicing Catholic? If not, what is is religion? That makes a big difference (if he is a pagan or an atheist or a relativist he will not accept the Scriptures on this.)

[/quote]

Whatever her husband is practicing - I think it's safe to day it is definitely NOT catholicism!!! :D

Peace
James


#5

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:188142"]
end. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I would really like to gather some advice and opinions and spiritual guidance. Thank you in advance.

[/quote]

get a lawyer, get counselling, and see a priest for spiritual guidance.


#6

[quote="puzzleannie, post:5, topic:188142"]
get a lawyer, get counselling, and see a priest for spiritual guidance.

[/quote]

Do all this,but remember that divorce, even under the best circumstances (if there is such a thing) is heartbreaking. Try counseling first, try reconcilation...

I'm not saying your not justified-I'm agnostic on that issue because I'm not you-and I'm not saying you'd rush into it either-just please, please, please take it slow.


#7

Thx~~~~ so much. Have been married over 20 years and have 2 children. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years. Thank you so much for even asking.


#8

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:188142"]
My h says since he did not have "sex" with her that he did not commit adultery, but I feel he most certainly did, just by what he was engaging in.

[/quote]

You've got that right. "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Mt 5:28


#9

Corinne,

I am very sorry to her how your husband hurt you. You are right that is adultery. Not only is it adultery, but he has broken the vows he made to you at your wedding. I am assuming that you were married in a Catholic Church, right?. He is not honoring you as his wife and that is totally unacceptable. His reasoning that because he did not have sex with her, that he did not commit adultery is absurd. You should ask him how he would feel if you were to go spend time with a male friend that you have known for years and you both hung out naked. If he says he has no problem with that, he is lying.

Has this been going on since before you got married? Some of the other questions like"is you husband Catholic?" that have been asked are important as well.
Are there kids involved?
Are you currently separated?
These questions would change the advise I would give. But one thing regardless of the answers, you need to protect yourself and your heart. This means you will have to remove yourself from this situation. You deserve to be treasured, respected and loved.

I would talk to a priest that you know and respect. If you do not know a good solid priest ask around. You may be able to get an annulment.

I will pray for you. I will also pray for the conversion of your husbands heart.


#10

Is he Catholic?


#11

Corinne i am so very sorry he has done this to you.I would speak to your priest.
Others have given you good advice.You need to get legal advice also.
My heart goes out to you.God bless


#12

I agree with the suggestions that you get a lawyer (often the first consult is free), get counseling (if you have insurance they might cover some of it), and see a priest. Are you certain that naked lapdances are all that they did sexually? You mention he has done other things in the past and it sounds like he isn’t trustworthy. You might want to see a doctor, too, and get tested for STDs. Of course you are shattered by his actions; you aren’t crazy to feel that way.


#13

We had another poster awhile back who had gone through the same thing. Prayers that both you and she find good counsel.


#14

I’m not married, but to me it seems like you should be thinking about getting an annulment. Getting nude lap dances from the same stripper from 3 years is definitely an affair, and your husband seems unrepentant.

The way your husband is behaving certainly seems to suggest that the marriage is invalid, if he considers it not unfaithful to receive lapdances then it would seem to me that he would have been unable to consent to marriage, because you do need to intend to be faithful (per the real definition) to truly consent.

I would consult a priest and maybe someone who knows the canon law to see what your chance of getting an annulment is and proceed from there.


#15

:slight_smile:

Thank you all very much. I am a lifelong Catholic, and I believe i married an unbeliever. Yes, we are separated. I do not even know if i should wear my wedding ring any longer. I do not feel even “married” any more.

I have seen a lawyer for a consult, and i am meeting with a priest this Tuesday for some spiritual guidance. The thing is i love him still, and do not want a divorce under any circumstances. I feel if he does, he should be the one to instigate it. What do all feel about this?

It is so hard being separated, my heart is breaking. I do not know quite what to do. I now am thrust back into the work force at my age, and i guess God gives us all free will, even to make bad decisions.

I ask you all, how i should proceed? Do i wait forever for him to repent? i bought him a Catholic devotional and have been praying for his conversion for 25 years now.

Bless anyone who responds. I am very depressed and have recently been put on anti-depressants. UGH

P.S. I recently met a lady from my Bible study who had a friend who’s husband left her for a stripper he had “fell for”, when he was frequenting stripper nudie bars too. I guess what I’m mostly feeling is that my husband doesn’t love me anymore. :frowning: This is so very hard, as i am having a hard time distinguishing why he ever started going there in the first place. We always had a good and passionate marriage,:confused: He says it is just lust/not love, but i wonder. still, it is devestating.

Should i move on with my life alone with our children and “forget him” or should i wait? this is what i am struggling with most of all. i don’;t know how to really proceed. Any helpful suggestions on this question would be great.

Profundi: NO he is NOT trustworthy at all, FYI. i do not know if i can even hope for anything with a man such as this. He told me over and over he was thru with her, but lied to me and deceived me. My own children say i should “divorce dad” they have been thru so much trauma.


#16

I would continue seeking spiritual counseling from your priest and go from there. I don't blame you for not wanting to instigate divorce proceedings yet...while there is life, there is hope.
Does your husband want you back? Does he say he loves you? Is he in counseling?


#17

My heart bleeds for you because your husband's actions have caused you great pain. There is no excuse for his behaviour and you deserve better.

I also feel for you having to return to the workforce under such circumstances. it would be so much nicer to have been able to choose to go back rather than be forced into it. but I know that god loves you and He will give you the strength to go on one day at a time,

My advice. If you need legal protection (for whatever reason) divorce your husband. if there is no danger in remaining married to him legally, then it is not necessary to incur all those lawyers fees and heartache.

But DO go on with your life. To sit and hope he changes is like believing 'this is the lottery ticket that will win me the million'. Go on and learn to be happy (lots of work ahead of you) but do it. If one day when you are walking down the street and bump into him and he is a changed man, then you can reconsider if you want him back. But for now, take care of yourself

CM


#18

There is a lot of gas-lighting going on here. He is telling you that it is not sex and that he does not love her. Of course it’s sex! Just because it isn’t intercourse doesn’t mean sex isn’t happening. It doesn’t appear he loves you either, nor does he respect you. He is perfectly happy with this scenario, because you are not putting up proper boundaries, but letting him have his cake and eat it too.

I was in your shoes once, so know how awful it is. It took me about a year to get over the shock and denial of what my husband was up to. He would take off and leave me scrambling to find childcare for the kids when I had to go to my part-time job, among other issues. He was spending too much family income on these other women too, while telling me to cut back on family expenses; that is stealing on his part, is it not? He did not care because he is a narcissist. Finally, I had enough. He either had to stop what he was doing or leave. He was very angry with me because I wouldn’t put up with that kind of disrespect any longer. But it was HIS choice, not mine. He chose to leave.

I have had to go back to work full-time in my mid-40s, and probably will never be able to afford to retire. That is the travesty of No-Fault Divorce. So be it. I refuse to bring my children up in a marriage where a man thinks he can go have sex with whomever he pleases and spend his money on whomever it pleases, leaving me to raise the kids alone anyway. If I had kept my mouth shut and stayed, my kids would grow up thinking that is how a husband treats a wife. My sons would think that having sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable, that porn is acceptable. My daughter would think a wife’s role is to be a door mat, to be walked all over, to be a sexual object to be consumed and nothing more. I wanted better for my kids than that.

Sometimes, divorce is the only way. Otherwise, life would be an ongoing nightmare, requiring anti-depressants. Life is harder financially, but for peace and clarity of mind, it is so much better. I’m sorry you are going this. It is a very hard road to be on. You will be in my prayers.


#19

[quote="Musician, post:16, topic:188142"]
I would continue seeking spiritual counseling from your priest and go from there. I don't blame you for not wanting to instigate divorce proceedings yet...while there is life, there is hope.
Does your husband want you back? Does he say he loves you? Is he in counseling?

[/quote]

My husband has said he recently "broke it off with the other woman permanently because it was ruining his life and his family's life". He said he wants to move home and yes, that he loves me. Yes he is also in individual counseling. I do not trust him just now, as he has told me this many times and then gone right back to her. Huge heartbreak. :( I am so wounded and need to heal, alone, just now I think. I am not ready to take him back in yet. BUT. In another thread on here, some poster said under no circumstances should a married couple be separated. Now I worry if I did the right thing by refusing to let him live here knowing he was involved with another woman still. I did what i had to. I don't know what it will take for me to ever trust him again. Perhaps we need to get into marital counseling together and have the counselor determine if/and when we are ready to reunite. For now I need some time to work on myself, i want to become independent, i need to be, in case the same thing happens again. I never want to feel such pain and heartb reak again but have options. I also feel like he needs to show me and really work to get me back. Put in effort, do what he needs to. I do not think this is too much to expect after going through such turmoil.


#20

Dear Ailina: thank you so much for your reply. Can i ask you a few questions? what is “gas-lighting”? first of all? you say he doesn’t respect me. How do you mean? well i guess i know, the lying and deceit, etc., this is total disrespect. also you mentioned that i am not putting up proper boundaries? how do you mean? Can i ask you what proper boundaries would be in my situation? Besides telling him to leave? When i told him he must move out when i discovered his on-going affair, this was a Huge boundary, i think. I thought my myself and my children, they know what their father has been doing and that i will not tolerate it, that is why i told him he must move. I am so confused. Any further advice from you will be so helpful. Thanks so much.

My life has been an on-going nightmare from all this now for a long time. I just want it to end. How will i know if my husband is truly over this???and really wants to be home for all the right reasons? and won’t be lying and deceiving me all over again?


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.