Help.... 32 year old daughter abandons husband


#1

Our 32 year old daughter has suddenly abandoned her marriage. I warned her over a year ago that she was spending a bit too much time with her only friend whom she has known since high school, who is a single 33 year old female who has never been married. Her friend is not exactly what men would find attractive in the personality OR looks department. I don't say this to be unkind, but to shed some light on the fact that I believe that my daughter's friend has slowly poisoned my daughter's marriage so they can spend ALL of their time together. My daughter has never given any indication that she has any lesbian tendencies whatsoever. I am not so sure about her friend though. Since my daughter walked out on her husband they are constantly together. They have separate apartments though.

My daughter has withdrawn from us and refuses to talk about her marriage. Her husband (our son-in law) is a pretty good guy. He is educated, works hard, is loyal and responsible. They have been married 7 years and have no children. The only thing she ever told us about why she is abandoning the marriage is that she "feels nothing" for him is tired of "going through the motions" and wants out. I directly asked her about any abuse. She said there was no physical abuse. A few times he did comment about her 40 lb weight gain. Never before did she have a weight problem. This weight gain occurred at the same time she began to spend huge amounts of time with her overweight friend often eating at restaurants. Again I do not say this to be cruel, it could be an important part of the story.

Her friend is generally a bitter young woman whereas our daughter was always a cheerful positive type person. She never gave us a minute's trouble growing up. She was usually modest in her speech, attitududes toward morality. Since spending so much time with her friend over the last couple of years, she now curses like a sailor and smokes like a chimney and drinks more than she used to. Our good girl has developed a rough edge to her.

I've maintained contact with our son-in-law through this. I am convince my daughter has allowed her friend to poison her marriage and take control of her life. I've told her she has got to go home to her husband and work on her marriage. She is having none of it! How do I get her to see that she is making the mistake of her life?


#2

It’s so hard to watch an adult child make these decisions. There isn’t alot you can do, sadly. With a minor child, it’s much easier to protect them from themself-but with an adult-it’s clearly much harder.

Remind that divorce, even in the BEST circumstances, is still tragic. Divorce is like a missile-does it have its place? Of course it does. Is it still a horrible thing that should be used only as a last resort? Yes.

Also remind her that actions have consequences. What seems like a good idea now-in six months might be a miserable idea. He may move on-and that would hurt her the most. What if she wants him back? What if he found someone else? Where does she live-is she prepared to leave her house, pets, stuff, etc? Money-is she prepared to lose a huge amount of money to pay divorce proceedings?

If you think she might be a homosexual, than that is just another story altogether. Sadly, some people “find themselves” in their 30’s and leave a trail of destruction while doing it.


#3

Your dd poisoned her own marriage. She chose to hang out with her friend and not focus on her marriage.

It sounds to me like she wants experience life and that she feels like she missed out by being a conservative good girl. This happened to my cousin also. It's a mistake and your dd will realize it and I hope it won't be too late when she does. 32 is not that young and she's going to have to face the piper eventually.

If I were you, I'd leave her alone and let her sort her issues out. You never know, she may reconcile with her husband. You have to let her do this on her own. Let her know you are there for her no matter what. Leave her alone b/c right now, she won't listen to anything you have to say about her marriage. She has made up her mind for now and she's a 32 year old woman capable of making her own decisions. She has to live with her own mistakes.

I'm sure she's not gay. She's just living out her "lost youth"... call it an early mid-life crisis if you may.


#4

I really don't think your daughter's friend has anything to do with her marriage break-up. It's obvious you don't like her, and I think you just want to find someone to blame. That's normal, because it's hard to accept that your daughter could have made a decision like this completely on her own. Saying your daughter's friend deliberately wrecked her marriage in order to spend more time with her sounds kind of far-fetched and paranoid to me. You have no proof at all of that. Spending time with friends after a break-up for support and comfort is very normal and it doesn't mean it was the basis for the break-up.

If your daughter says she is unhappy in her marriage and feels empty about and has no love for her husband, I would take her word for it. It is probably true and if it is, she didn't need any nudging from her friend to leave. She might be making a mistake, but there is nothing you can do about it and pushing the subject is just going to make her grow even more distant from you. She is 32, not 12, and you no longer have any control over her. Some parents can just never accept that fact. If she feels no love for her husband there is probably nothing you can say to make her go back anyway. If she goes back at all it will be in her own time and for her own reasons. "Because my daddy made me" is not going to be one of those reasons.


#5

[quote="Michael2799, post:1, topic:217125"]
I've maintained contact with our son-in-law through this. I am convince my daughter has allowed her friend to poison her marriage and take control of her life.

[/quote]

I know you really want to believe this. But, I think you need to step back and realize that a 30 something woman, married 7 years, has choices. She has free will. She has made these decisions with her eyes wide open.

It's rather telling that your daughter has "only" one friend, and that this friend just happens to be a drinking, swearing, partying, single girl. It says your daughter CHOSE not to cultivate other friendships and instead gets something out of this one.

[quote="Michael2799, post:1, topic:217125"]
I've told her she has got to go home to her husband and work on her marriage. She is having none of it! How do I get her to see that she is making the mistake of her life?

[/quote]

I think you've done all you can. She's making her bed, and will have to lie in it.

You can be there for her when she comes to her senses in a loving and caring way, without an "I told you so." Perhaps then you can help her to rebuild her life.


#6

Smoking, drinking, eating unhealthy. You can tell her that shes not going to get very far (health wise) if she keeps this up. They're all disgusting unhealthy habits that she needs to get help with along side repairing her marriage. If there was some way you could make her see what shes turning into.... Personally, I think if you left her alone, she would find out on her own but who knows how long that would take. Maybe if her husband were to say 'fine, if you dont want to be married, i understand, but can we at least hang out'?
Then if they hang out, she might see that things aren't so bad and she still loves him.


#7

Outside friendships can definitely affect a marriage. Since this friend is unmarried, and doesn’t have a moral lifestyle, it can undermine the OP’s daughter in her marriage. Most people move on from their single friends once they get married - they just naturally gravitate to couples who are in a similar stage of life. It sounds to me as though the OP’s daughter has continued to see herself as single, even though she’s married. Hanging around with this single friend can only be destructive to her marriage. She has no reason to abandon her husband unless this woman is working against her marriage.

To the OP: I am afraid that it may be that your daughter is going to “come out” as a lesbian. You say there are no indications that she is, but I would suggest to you that stating she “feels nothing” for her husband, has had no children, and now has abandoned her husband for an unmarried female friend, whom she is spending all her time with, says to me to expect the next step and that is declaring that she loves this woman and is a lesbian. I hope not, but I suspect that is where things are headed.

I am so sorry if that happens. Support your SIL right now, because he has done no wrong and is probably in pain. Your daughter is wrong to do this, but the culture says she is only following her inner urges and should do as she truly wants. It is a horrible pain to see a child making a mess of her life, but you cannot save her, only Jesus Christ can do that.

:console:


#8

[quote="Serap, post:3, topic:217125"]
Your dd poisoned her own marriage. She chose to hang out with her friend and not focus on her marriage.

It sounds to me like she wants experience life and that she feels like she missed out by being a conservative good girl. This happened to my cousin also. It's a mistake and your dd will realize it and I hope it won't be too late when she does. 32 is not that young and she's going to have to face the piper eventually.

If I were you, I'd leave her alone and let her sort her issues out. You never know, she may reconcile with her husband. You have to let her do this on her own. Let her know you are there for her no matter what. Leave her alone b/c right now, she won't listen to anything you have to say about her marriage. She has made up her mind for now and she's a 32 year old woman capable of making her own decisions. She has to live with her own mistakes.

I'm sure she's not gay. She's just living out her "lost youth"... call it an early mid-life crisis if you may.

[/quote]

I agree with Serap. I'm in my early 30s now and I'm starting to see contemporaries of mine getting out of their marriages. It often seems to be individuals wanting to have their younger, single life back or people who "followed the rules" all their life, never getting into any trouble and then regretting that they didn't go crazy when they were younger before getting married. What I've heard from or of the women who left their husbands was that their husbands were "a great guy", "a wonderful guy", etc., but they never really loved them. The great guy was the right guy in terms of pleasing their family or was the person they thought is the right kind of person to marry. The other reason I've heard was that their husbands didn't do everything they asked them to do - basically they wanted someone who was perfect.

It's such a sad and tragic thing when I hear these things coming out of the mouths of these women. They don't truly understand the meaning of marriage and why they make this sacrament. The storybook idea of marriage is what seems to go through the minds of people sometimes and they never believe that there will be hard times.

I really wouldn't blame the daughter's friend, although it probably hasn't helped. But your daughter has made these choices for herself. She should know better as a grown woman.

I am sorry that your family is going through this and will pray for your daughter.


#9

*Warning: hamster at work This is not an exact parallel but could be enlightening. *

As Catholics, must we constrain ourselves to how men and women should be, or can we reference how men and women are?


#10

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:7, topic:217125"]
Outside friendships can definitely affect a marriage. Since this friend is unmarried, and doesn't have a moral lifestyle, it can undermine the OP's daughter in her marriage. Most people move on from their single friends once they get married - they just naturally gravitate to couples who are in a similar stage of life. It sounds to me as though the OP's daughter has continued to see herself as single, even though she's married. Hanging around with this single friend can only be destructive to her marriage. She has no reason to abandon her husband unless this woman is working against her marriage.

To the OP: I am afraid that it may be that your daughter is going to "come out" as a lesbian. You say there are no indications that she is, but I would suggest to you that stating she "feels nothing" for her husband, has had no children, and now has abandoned her husband for an unmarried female friend, whom she is spending all her time with, says to me to expect the next step and that is declaring that she loves this woman and is a lesbian. I hope not, but I suspect that is where things are headed.

I am so sorry if that happens. Support your SIL right now, because he has done no wrong and is probably in pain. Your daughter is wrong to do this, but the culture says she is only following her inner urges and should do as she truly wants. It is a horrible pain to see a child making a mess of her life, but you cannot save her, only Jesus Christ can do that.

:console:

[/quote]

But she chose to hang out with her single friend and go on as though not married. My single friends, I see them once a month bc our lives are so different. I hang out more with other married women with children like mine. That's normal.

The daughter was not acting like a married woman, so she made this happen, not her friend.

I highly doubt the daughter is gay. That's a stretch I think. She just doesn't want a committment with anyone and has a good girlfriend that she can hang out with. Daughter is re-living her youth.


#11

[quote="Serap, post:10, topic:217125"]
But she chose to hang out with her single friend and go on as though not married. My single friends, I see them once a month bc our lives are so different. I hang out more with other married women with children like mine. That's normal.

The daughter was not acting like a married woman, so she made this happen, not her friend.

I highly doubt the daughter is gay. That's a stretch I think. She just doesn't want a commitment with anyone and has a good girlfriend that she can hang out with. Daughter is re-living her youth.

[/quote]

Serap,

I think your really on to something here. I'm a bachelor, and I hang out with some single and married men/women-and we're all good friends, but there is a difference.between the two.

My best friend is married, and we still hang out alot, but I think your generally correct.


#12

[quote="C_S_P_B, post:9, topic:217125"]
Warning: hamster at work This is not an exact parallel but could be enlightening.

As Catholics, must we constrain ourselves to how men and women should be, or can we reference how men and women are?

[/quote]

Very insightful article..... I think I will send it to my daughter. Some of those comments on that blog are a hoot.... but right on the money as well.

Thanks!
Michael


#13

[quote="C_S_P_B, post:9, topic:217125"]
Warning: hamster at work This is not an exact parallel but could be enlightening.

As Catholics, must we constrain ourselves to how men and women should be, or can we reference how men and women are?

[/quote]

I read the article and it made me realize just how lucky I am. I met the best man I ever dated at age 30 and now I'm married to him. He's extremely handsome, educated, makes great money, is loyal, honest, loving, caring, etc.

I went against this article b/c I attracted an even better man at age 30, however, I've always looked about 6 years younger than my current age.

Men like youth, but real men also like character in a woman too; and that comes with age.


#14

[quote="Serap, post:13, topic:217125"]
I read the article and it made me realize just how lucky I am. I met the best man I ever dated at age 30 and now I'm married to him. He's extremely handsome, educated, makes great money, is loyal, honest, loving, caring, etc.

I went against this article b/c I attracted an even better man at age 30, however, I've always looked about 6 years younger than my current age.

**Men like youth, but real men also like character in a woman too; and that comes with **age.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:
Am i the only one who feels slightly sick after reading that article? Some of the comments on that blog post are so offensive that I dont know if there should be a link on this site at all. And no im not a bitter 50 year old lesbian.

To the OP, Serap's advice is spot on.


#15

[quote="Serap, post:10, topic:217125"]
But she chose to hang out with her single friend and go on as though not married. My single friends, I see them once a month bc our lives are so different. I hang out more with other married women with children like mine. That's normal.

The daughter was not acting like a married woman, so she made this happen, not her friend.

I highly doubt the daughter is gay. That's a stretch I think. She just doesn't want a committment with anyone and has a good girlfriend that she can hang out with. Daughter is re-living her youth.

[/quote]

Yeah, I agree with this. Mind you, I have close single friends I spend time with. But the OPs daughter chose to spend time with this particular person for a reason.

Also - it may be that there is something wrong with the marriage that she isn't expressing well, or even that it is just private - at least from a father. I wouldn't assume that there aren't real issues, or that they are all somehow her fault. Marriages are not always that simple.


#16

I've seen so many women in their early 30's leave their husbands out of boredom. It's really sad b/c they regret it later.


#17

I can honestly say that I don't know one single woman that left her spouse out of boredom.
There were always underlying problems and usually they were too embarrassed or not ready to actually admit out loud to someone else exactly what was going on behind closed doors in their marriages. Eventually they do come out with it but that generally takes some time and told only to a select few and in many cases not even to their parents.

Being married and having a single friend or two wouldn't and shouldn't present such a problem as long as the married person has morals, values and character otherwise yes, the weaker person could be tempted to act in a way that might put the marriage in jeopardy.

None of us here, not even the op really knows what is going on in this marriage and to assume that she has become a wild child and throwing away a perfectly good marriage is presumptious. To also go on about her possibly being a lesbian because she does not have children, is not happy in her marriage, and has a female friend is a bit of a stretch.

Op, I am sorry you are going through this. It is admirable that you keep in touch with your SIL to make sure he is ok but be aware that your daughter may see this as you chosing sides.

This could be a sticky situation for you.


#18

[quote="horselvr, post:17, topic:217125"]
I can honestly say that I don't know one single woman that left her spouse out of boredom..

[/quote]

Serap is right, again (jeez, that's the second time I've recently agreed with you!)

I know of a few women who have left long term relationships (including marriages) because it got "dull".

Dark secret no one seems to want to admit-Women can be cruel and mean in relationships as well.


#19

[quote="Rascalking, post:18, topic:217125"]
Serap is right, again (jeez, that's the second time I've recently agreed with you!)

I know of a few women who have left long term relationships (including marriages) because it got "dull".

Dark secret no one seems to want to admit-Women can be cruel and mean in relationships as well.

[/quote]

2 for 2 :D


#20

"Serap is right, again (jeez, that's the second time I've recently agreed with you!)

I know of a few women who have left long term relationships (including marriages) because it got "dull".

Dark secret no one seems to want to admit-Women can be cruel and mean in relationships as well."

Excuse me!!

Sorry if my experiences differ from yours or Serap's. While you have known of a "few women" that have left long term relationships because it got dull---I have not, especially women they stay home and have no means of being self supporting. Generally, they are stuck and only leave out of desperation.

Again, sorry to disagree with you.

As far as , no one wanting to admit women can be cruel and mean in relationships----what are you basing that on from what I posted???


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