Help A Priest Wants To Marry My Sister


#1

Please help me with a problem. My sister has been going to church for over 2 years now at a very liberal church and one of the reasons is her attraction for this very liberal priest. but she says she loves the lord and goes to daily mass even if this priest(who doesnt like to wear his collar) isnt there. She talks to him on the phone every night for hours. And she told me that he loves her and wants to leave the priesthood. but that he was thinking of leaving before he met her.

i knew he wasnt going to stay a priest when i met him. He doesnt agree with most of the Churches teachings, goes to homosexual rallys doesnt believe in NFP, and frankly im not sure if he wants to stay a Catholic. He has told our Bishop (who is retiring in August) that he wants to resign and the Bishop apparently just brushed him off. He does want to leave in a state of Grace and said they would have to wait to get married for 2 years.

My concern is that she has been with a bunch of bad men and finally found a "good one". but I dont know if its ok for a priest to leave and get married. i told her that if he cant be faithful to the Church how can he stay faithful to her. please give me some advice if this can be ok or should i discourage her from being with him. in Christ thank you.


#2

i think you've said it best with your last paragraph. if he can't stand by his vows to the Church, how can he stand by his vows to his spouse?

its a difficult thing to get in the way of two people who think and feel that they are in love with each other. we can't judge if they are really in love or not. sometimes they themselves can't judge that. remind your sister that this man has made a vow to the Church and that receiving Holy Orders means he can't receive the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Church. this would mean they'll get married outside the Church, and ask her if this is what she wants

be supportive of her but not her situation. if you come as agressive trying to pry her away from this relationship, the more you will push her into it


#3

Praying for your family.

I'd tell her, "Look, holy orders are like marital vows. If he walks out on Holy Orders-he may walk out on you. It's possible he might have a problem with commiment, or may not know what he wants."


#4

Tell your sister, Run away! Run away!

Once he is free of the priesthood, it will dawn on him that he has a whole world of single women to choose from, most of whom are probably better qualified as marriage material than she is, and need not stick with your sister - he will immediately do so, and doubtless he will end up happily married - but not to her.

He is going to use her infatuation with him to help him break the "shackles" of the Church, but once he succeeds in doing that, he will then go on to break her heart, I have no doubt about it.

It happened to more than one person that I know of.


#5

Think about it this way - in this relationship not only is she the other woman - she is the other woman - to God! I don't think I would want to have to answer for that one. Not only that but if she is faithful enough to be attending daily masses, could she really consider marriage with someone who is attending gay rallies and does not believe in NFP. Contact the bishop now - you owe to your sister. You don't even know that your sister is the only one. Not to mention that it is not an even relationship. :eek:


#6

I understand the vows a priest takes but if he leaves the church I don't believe that will have any relevance on faithfulness to a woman in marriage. As a matter of fact, I think he would be a great husband because he knows and understands what marriage is all about. And no one knows this priests history/feelings. Maybe he wasn't called to be a priest, maybe he was pushed into it. There are families out there who "condition" their children for priesthood. I've seen people post on this very forum that they are conditioning their kids for priesthood. Maybe he was one of those kids and he really wasn't meant to be a priest.

If this guy is sincere and if he is sincerely NOT leaving the priesthood for her then I don't see a problem. However, it would probably be a good idea for your sister to not see him for a while after he leaves the priesthood. The Bishop telling him to wait 2 years before getting married is very wise. And for a majority of that time, as I said before, you sister doesn't need to see him. He needs time to learn what life is like not being a priest without the complication of a girlfriend. A relationship can really muddle things up. If your sister and this guy are meant to by, it will work out in the end.


#7

[quote="jordansignor, post:1, topic:203166"]
Please help me with a problem. My sister has been going to church for over 2 years now at a very liberal church and one of the reasons is her attraction for this very liberal priest. but she says she loves the lord and goes to daily mass even if this priest(who doesnt like to wear his collar) isnt there. She talks to him on the phone every night for hours. And she told me that he loves her and wants to leave the priesthood. but that he was thinking of leaving before he met her.

i knew he wasnt going to stay a priest when i met him. He doesnt agree with most of the Churches teachings, goes to homosexual rallys doesnt believe in NFP, and frankly im not sure if he wants to stay a Catholic. He has told our Bishop (who is retiring in August) that he wants to resign and the Bishop apparently just brushed him off. He does want to leave in a state of Grace and said they would have to wait to get married for 2 years.

My concern is that she has been with a bunch of bad men and finally found a "good one". but I dont know if its ok for a priest to leave and get married. i told her that if he cant be faithful to the Church how can he stay faithful to her. please give me some advice if this can be ok or should i discourage her from being with him. in Christ thank you.

[/quote]

wow :( I think it's important for the Bishop to know that this priest not only disagrees with Catholic doctrine, but is also considering leaving the priesthood and potentially the Church. (edit: sorry I just read that the Bishop has been informed)

about your sister.... commitment and fidelity is very important to a marriage. If a priest can't commit to the Church, how do you know he'll make a good husband for your sister? I don't know if that makes sense.. but also, - once a man becomes a priest, he's a priest forever, even if he leaves. Holy orders leaves a mark on the soul. I think that if a priest were to leave the priesthood, it would not make it okay for him to marry.

This is just my opinion and of course I dont know the situation or your sister, but based on what it sounds like, I think that you should encourage your sister to attend a different parish and not talk to this priest anymore; especially as this is tempting him further! :(


#8

A man is not forced to remain a priest. He told your sister that he had been thinking of leaving before he met her. Just be thankful that he wants to leave in good standing. Hopefully, the new bishop will take his request seriously and help him to discern his vocation and future with the Church with or without your sister.


#9

I won’t comment on the priest’s attending gay rallies and not believing in NFP. However, as Monica stated, a priest who is truly ordained as such is a priest forever according to the Church’s understanding of divine law. What the Church can do is grant a dispensation for the priest to depart from active ministry (which allows him to go and do whatever he pleases like lay Catholics) & another to allow him to be married validly. All of this assumes, of course, that he plans to stay faithful as a practicing Catholic, loyal to the Magisterium.

But strictly speaking, he does not become a lay Catholic ever again. The Church cannot undo his ordination, so there is no such thing as a renunciation of orders on the part of the man either, according to Church teaching.


#10

wow :eek: I didn’t think of that before, but I think it’s true…

Priesthood leaves a mark on the soul… once a man becomes a priest, he has that mark on him forever, even if he leaves, and even if he doesn’t go to Heaven. If the priest is so liberal that he’s not guiding others in the right way - it might be good for him to be removed from active service (assuming he doesn’t want to change and accept Church’s teaching)… but I think it would be difficult to feel comfortable marrying someone in this situation, because - once a priest, always a priest.


#11

Why is a man that is in favor of birth control, homosexual acts and marriage and doesnt have any respect for the dignity and office of priesthood AND possibly leaving the church a good marriage partner for your friend? If he understood marriage he wouldnt go to homosexual rallies. If this a “good” marriage partner, what the heck is a “bad” one? Are we that messed up that we consider these characteristics to be good? Is a charismatic personality and looks all that is required to be considered good? How will this priest support a family? That would be the first thing he should consider before telling a woman he loves her. If he gets tired of the church and got into that for wrong reasons, whats to say marriage wont be any different?


#12

Run!!! :eek: FAST!!! :eek: In the other direction. :eek:

This is all you need to tell her - she needs no other instruction.

Oh - well, maybe stop dating until she has the ability to find a guy who is not a bunch of trouble. Typically this means fixing whatever issues she has lurking in her life.

~Liza


#13

My wife's Uncle left the priesthood to marry and has been married to the same woman for three decades.


#14

I have to agree with, and disagree with some of the posts so far.

In the many years I have been at this parish, we have had 2 priests leave the priesthood to get married.

One of them has been married to his spouse for over 25 years.

The other one is divorced due to his former spouses alcohol and drug abuse.

I am not insinuating anything about your sister, but in at least one of these cases, I actually saw the woman more or less throw her self at the priest. Just because a priest takes vows, it doesn't mean natural body functions cease

We also had a new priest just a couple of years ago, that was rather young, and looked even younger. He remarked to me on more than one occasion how the women in the parish would flirt with him.

I am NOT saying that your sister is flirting with the priest, but the more she stays involved in the situation, the more it is going to continue.

The best advice to give her is to separate herself from him, and let him figure it out for himself. (Of course, talking with the Bishop isn't a bad thing either.)


#15

I agree with all the people who think your sister should run. However, my concern goes deeper. I think your sister has issues she needs to get to the bottom of. If she has been with a lot of ‘bad’ men, then of course this priest is the perfect guy to fantzsize about. She can fool herself into thinking he is the one so she can be in a relationship without actually being in one.

I think the best is to pray your sister gets help for her intimacy issues. I don’t think telling her to get help will help. I think she just can’t see clearly.

To be honest, I would not be surprised if the day he leaves the priesthood, she all of a suddent looses interest in him. Once she can have him, the chase (and fun) is over and there is nothing left for her

CM


#16

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:13, topic:203166"]
My wife's Uncle left the priesthood to marry and has been married to the same woman for three decades.

[/quote]

I also know a man who used to be a priest and has now been happily married for many years - just not to the poor girl who got him out of the priesthood, to begin with.

As soon as he was free to marry, he left her by the roadside and took up with the woman who later became his wife. She, meanwhile, is still single, and not getting any younger.


#17

Regardless a priest does make a vow to celibacy or chastity for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Depending on circumstance the priest may not be free to enter into a valid Catholic marriage. Where is Chevalier on this he would be the best to consult the Canons. It would also be helpful to know if this priest is a member of a religious order or strictly a diocesan priest.


#18

Priest or not, I wouldn't want a guy who goes to gay rallies and opposes NFP to marry my sister! :mad:


#19

I'd give her the same advice as if he were a married man who was telling her he was in a bad marriage: If you love him, insist that he work it out in his first relationship, decide what to do, and then do it. If, in the end, that leaves him single and able to date, then that's when he should call your sister. In the meantime, she should stay far away, for his sake and for hers, not to mention out of respect for his first vows. He may need support, you are sweet to want to help him, but he needs that his support not be from you. You're only going to confuse things.

If that were not bad enough, it also worse for a priest to have a romantic relationship with someone in his pastoral care than for a doctor to date a patient or an attorney to date a client. She needs to go to a different church. If he pursues her, she needs to tell him to cut it out, or she'll notify the vicar of clergy for the diocese. The truth is, if she doesn't cut off this relationship, someone else ought to. It is a total violation of the trust his bishop has put in him in giving him a share in the bishop's pastoral office. It would be the business of any Catholic inside or outside the diocese to notify the bishop of that, no matter what your sister decides to do. Make that very clear to your sister, too....she is cooperating and encouraging this priest to violate the trust of their bishop. That is not an innocent act, at least not once she has been educated to see it that way.


#20

Wow. She needs to avoid this man like the PLAGUE.

Not because, as others have posted, he will ALWAYS be a priest, regardless of whether he is laicized and granted dispensation to marry. After all, the Church has the power to bind and loose, so if it grants him permission then he can get married and remain in a state of grace.

Not because he is liberal, necessarily. We can all have legitimate difference of opinion on topics not definitively ruled-on by the Church.

BUT

1) He appears to support or at least condone homosexual activity. Scripture and Tradition have universally held throughout the ages that homosexual activity is, objectively speaking, mortally sinful - i.e., you could go to Hell for all eternity. Even approving of it might be mortally sinful. Romans 1:32. NO RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH THE RISK OF FALLING INTO THIS KIND OF THINKING, or of confirming/solidifying this kind of thinking if she already thinks that way. Strenuously avoid anything that objectively can lead you to Hell, whether or not you are subjectively in a state of grace.

2) This man must be emotionally unstable if he is thinking of leaving active ministry. Like marriage, priesthood is for life, and leaving active ministry can only result from either severe physical, psychological, or emotional problems (just like divorce). If she really wants to be with this man, then let him become laicized, wait a couple of YEARS, and see if he repents of beliefs that are clearly contrary to infallible Church teaching.

I will pray for you and your sister.

God Bless


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