Help! Advice needed - 13 year old daughter


#1

My 13 year old daughter (my last of 3 children- older brothers
are 16 & 22) is in the eighth grade in a Catholic school,
plays sports, altar serves and is a straight A student.
She has grown into a remarkable young lady that is well-liked
by both her peers (boys & girls) and adults. I have always encouraged open
communication with all of our children and I truly feel
that she openly communicates with me and my dh.

I’ve noticed for a while now her sudden interest in boys,
which I do know is very normal for this age.
It has been no more than a comment about a "cute boy"
and giggly girl stuff. However, tonight she asked me
if a mother of one of the boys in her class had called me.
I had said no and of course asked her why?
She proceeded to tell me her and this boy would like
to get together this Saturday and “hang out” at his
house. :eek: As much as I wanted to say “absolutely not”!
I just repiied that the mom hadn’t called and asked again
the purpose of the get together. I got the same answer.

Although, I do know the boy’s parents and they are a nice
family (he is an only child) I am just really struggling with this and what to
decide when this mother calls. Please note DH is not
too much help here. His feelings are that this is all
normal and it’s just kids wanting to have fun.

Am I overreacting here? What message am I sending
my daughter if I let her go? Should I have the boy come
to our house? (picture- 2 older brothers looking at him) :thumbsup:

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much!


#2

His mother is going to call to ask you?It sounds like nothing for you to worry about, and a nice gesture on their part to ask you.

Most teenagers today would not ask, would lie about studying with girlfriends, would sneak around.

I would be grateful for your daughter’s and the boy’s way of going about hanging out together.


#3

With my daughters, the first time this comes up I will expect them to bring the boy to our house first. Then again, I also plan on having my guns out for cleaning and knives for sharpening when he arrives.


#4

Supervision dose wonders, and no need to instill fear in the child. Anxiety is worthless.


#5

I raised two daughters, and I was a daughter myself.

Even my mother, way back in the dark ages (the 1960s), allowed me to go to boys’ houses if their parents called and asked, and she encourged me to bring boys home to “hang out” (we didn’t call it that back then) to work on school projects, listen to music, etc.

At 13, my daughters often were involved in school projects, extra-curricular activities, etc. that involved boys, and so if a parent called me and asked about having one of the girls over, or if my daughter wanted to bring a boy to our house to work (or play), I would say yes.

This is a great way for a girl to start learning about the world of boys and dating.

There’s no reason to say no to this.


#6

I agree with flyingfish. It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter who shows good values and integrity. I say let her go over there after talking with the parent and verifying everything will be ok (like supervision and such). When kids show they are mature and responsible it is important for parents to trust them and allow them some privileges (within reason). It really goes a long way for the child and in the future they will be more open and come to you with similar requests (like potentially going to the movies with boys, etc) rather than sneaking around or rebeling because they know you will give them a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction of ‘no’.


#7

that mother sounds like she is on your wavelength and if both kids understand, for know our moms are still setting up our play dates, it should be cool. You have the perfect opportunity to cover ground rules when the mom calls, and to review the basics–parents have to be home when you visit friends, no bedrooms etc., and general visiting etiquette as well–courtesy phone calls, thank you’s, deportment.

I destroyed the social life of DD#2 because I insisted on getting to know all the parents of kids in her small class when we moved to a new town, but boy was it time well invested. “Scott seems like a nice boy, I would like to meet his parents, ask if I can step inside to chat when I drop you off.” ggggrrrrrr. “Oh, I talked to Sally’s mom and she did not know about the party [you told me Sally is having Friday night] but they are going to be gone that night so the party has been post-poned.”

“Do you check up on me with the parents of my friends.”
“Oh yes, boy do I.”
“Why, don’t you trust me?”
“I trust you because I know you, but I won’t know if I can trust your friends until I get to know them and their families.”
“Why can’t I just make my own friends?”
“Because you are 13.”


#8

If you trust the family and you know they will be well supervised, it seems fine. I also like the idea of having the boy come to your house. It might be time to talk about courtship and dating with your daughter…our mainstream culture teaches that dating is for fun rather than having a purpose, let alone preparation for marriage.


#9

Lock your daughter in a closet. Let her out when she turns 30. :smiley:

(Just sayin’… if I had to do it over…)


#10

I say, make a preemptive strike. Invite the boy over to YOUR house. Better yet invite the boy and another friend of your daughter’s too. The fact that the mom is supposed to call you is a good sign, IMHO that she’s on your wavelength. I’d still want to be the one as the mom of the girl to ‘chaperon’ them first. I guess I’m old school that way.

Lock your daughter in a closet. Let her out when she turns 30.

(Just sayin’… if I had to do it over…)

hehe or this. This would work:p I actually wish my parents had done more to ‘lock me up’ and keep me from getting attached/interested in the whole boy relationship dynamic.


#11

Simple. Will his parents be home? (If their answer is yes, so is yours. If no, then no.) And no “visiting” behind closed doors.

This worked thirty years ago. I think it still does today. And definitely, invite the boy to YOUR house. Same rules apply.


#12

It’s amazing that the mothers of some teenage boys really don’t care about other people’s daughters. This woman sounds like she at least cares.

If you can manage it, have the socializing mostly take place at your house under your supervision.


#13

What did you do when your older sons wanted to go visit girls houses? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander or do you trust girls less?


#14

With so many girls on birth control (because their parents approve) and so many adults thinking premarital sex or fooling around is okay, having the parents around isn’t a guarantee of no hanky panky.


#15

I find this a very insulting assumption. I think most is a very inaccurate word.


#16

I agree with those who are for it, if the mother is there. That is the way it should be handled. I have a 13 yr old daughter, and this is how I’d handle it…I would make it clear that you don’t want her leaving with him, alone somewhere, though. (once she arrives there) Like walk off to another person’s house whose parents are not home for example. I remember how it goes, I used to be a teen once. lol :wink: They are to stay at the house with the mom, if the mom needs to leave for some reason to run errands, she needs to call you to pick her up. Hanging out with no one around is not fine, leaving the house together to go to another kid’s house who’s parents are not home is also not fine. Not saying your daughter or the boy would suggest something wrong, I mean it more that sometimes kids do things without thinking it all the way through. Like, last minute…hey wanna walk over to Bob’s house? Hey mom, can we walk over to Bob’s house? His mom says yes, your dd goes there, and Bob is home alone…no parents…now your daughter feels awkward. Nothing bad might happen, but it’s best to just say upfront, your requests to your dd. That would be the only additional thing I’d add.Good luck, I’m sure it will work out just fine! :slight_smile:


#17

I have to second that. A friend of a friend was awfully proud of the fact that she allowed her son’s girlfriend to spend the night with her son in his locked bedroom after telling the girl’s parents that they would be in separate rooms on opposite ends of the house. Her attitude was that all kids do it so it wasn’t a big deal. She gave them a single condom, told them to have fun then left them alone until morning. I have two cousins who weren’t sexually active until they spent the weekend at another older cousin’s house with their girlfriends. The cousin and her husband told our aunt & uncle that the four would be well-supervised. The end result was a pregnancy scare and two nights in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

I don’t plan on letting any of my kids spend time at their boy/girlfriends’ homes until I’ve met the kids and at least talked to the parents, and I’m sure the parents share or at least respect our rules and values. We’ve dealt with too many parents already who make a point of letting our kids break our rules while at their houses just because they don’t agree with them (everything from watching inappropriate shows to going out past curfew unsupervised to underage drinking).


#18

Don’t even believe when they tell you “Oh, we don’t allow people in rooms with doors closed.”

I’ve found that’s completely untrue!

:mad:

Some parents think they’re really cool and want to be popular, but they’ll tell “overprotective” parents what they think they want to hear.


#19

:mad:

Some parents think they’re really cool and want to be popular, but they’ll tell “overprotective” parents what they think they want to hear.

I have discovered this to be true!!! Its INSANE! One thing to consider is the emotional attachment a 13 year old girl feels and how strong that could be. I am relieved we arent there yet - My oldest DD is only 11.


#20

Hmmm…well personally I don’t think people should date before they are 15-16 (frankly no one should date before they are 18 but i think might be too restrictive), so I would be very hesitant. That being said if you really trust your daughter and this boy is a good guy, and they are just going to be at his house and his parents will be home at all times, then perhaps it should be ok. I would just be careful because this could be getting into very dangerous territory (im not just referring to sexual things, im referring to emotional drama as well).


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