Help! Am I being insensitive?


#1

DH is having outpatient surgery. In a “sensative” area. He will have a lifting restriction after the surgery of 10 lbs. Surgery Wednesday, back to work Monday. Seems pretty simple to me.

We have 3 kids. The youngest is 4 months old, almost 14 lbs. DH wants to ship the kids to grandma’s house for the three days. (I work full time).

I am having a REAL hard time being warm and fuzzy about this. Normally the kids are at the babysitter until he gets off work, about 1:30. He doesn’t want to leave them there and extend their normal time until I get home. He doesn’t want to spend the extra money.

I offered to take vacation Thurs and Fri (I’d be taking Wednesday anyway). He doesn’t want me to “waste” my vacation days.

He thinks he won’t be able to take care of them himself (like he normally does) because of the weight restriction. So he sees the only solution as dumping the kids on grandma for three days and nights. BTW, granmda will also be watching her other two grandchildren for that week due to the parents going on a trip.

My personnal opinion is that he should suck it up and deal with it. I don’t think many people follow those weight restrictions that closely (I know I never did), and I don’t see that he will be spending that much time holding the baby anyway. BUT, he may not be as tough as I am. Or, maybe since it involves that male area that I don’t truly understand, it really will be that much trouble.

So am I being unfeeling? Or is he just being a big baby?:wink:


#2

I would follow Doctors orders religiously. Do you really want to come home and find him doubled up on the floor bleeding cause the stitches burst when he didn’t follow the weight restriction?

How does Grandma feel about this? If she’s okay with it why aren’t you?

Taking care of kids IS a full time job.He needs down time after surgery. It sounds like he’d be better off going to work. Unless he’s a longshoreman or roofer or something physical he’d probably get more rest and recuperation.

If I were your husband I’d be pretty upset at your attitude.


#3

No offense, but you sound a little harsh (and perhaps resentful you didn’t get some extra consideration when you were recovering(?).

You owe no explanation as to what he is having done…but if it any way involves the muscles or his abdominal wall or repair thereto–don’t mess with the weight lifting restrictions. A tear of those surgical sites can be horrendous to repair, can generate terrible infections and may never heal properly.

If you have family willing to help, why not use them?! We’re only talking a couple of days. Little kids can’t understand the impact of surgery and won’t leave you alone even if you’re not feeling good. I’m not sure why you would want to push your husband into the role of martyr. Let him recooperate in peace and be as supportive as you can. Your kindness and patience will be rewarded and appreciated far more than pushing him to “tough it out.”


#4

I just came from the board where DH is posting. The consensus over there is that if more wives spent more time asking the world if there husbands are being babies for following the post-operative instructions of their surgeons, then we all would be happier.


#5

[quote=RonWI]I just came from the board where DH is posting. The consensus over there is that if more wives spent more time asking the world if there husbands are being babies for following the post-operative instructions of their surgeons, then we all would be happier.
[/quote]

OK, I am laughing so hard, I am crying. :slight_smile:


#6

I empathize with you, TAS2000, because when it comes to physical pain I am a tough girl and a lone ranger, too. When I’m hurt or sick I usually don’t mention it to anyone, I do my daily tasks to the best of my abilities regardless of illness or injuries, and I very seldom ask for help with work or physical tasks. But I have a big weakness: the temptation to be unsympathic and uncharitable to those who complain more than I.

When I am with people who have what I consider to be minor pains and they complain about their physical state, I’m often instantly annoyed. Especially if that someone is a man. My natural tendency is to compare my own stoicism with that person’s “babyish” behavior, to be critical of that person and think I’m better because I try not to burden others with my pain. That attitude, however, overlooks the fact that if I give in to my annoyance I’m burdening the other person with my own maladies: pride and a lack of charity.

We’re called to charity. When I’m in situations like this, it helps me to think of a particularly good and holy person I know and imagine what he would do in my shoes (it’s more tangible for me than WWJD). Chances are, he probably wouldn’t say “Oh, please, you’re just being a wimp. Take care of the kids already.”

I hope I don’t sound harsh. If so, it’s unintentional. I really know how hard it is to bite one’s tongue in situations like yours.


#7

Well, this is what I wanted to know. I am not resentful, but I *am *drawing from my personnal experience. I have had surgery involving the abdominal wall, been told to take it it easy for weeks, no lifting etc. and I have always found that to be HUGELY conservative. If I laid around doing nothing that long I would go crazy, and probably drive everyone else there with me. So I have a fundamental problem seeing why he feels the opposite. I realized that I might not have the proper perspective, so I thought I’d ask for help. Looks like its a good thing I did, cause my initial reaction does indeed seem to be too harsh.

For the record, he has a hydrocele, which is a pouch of fluid in his scrotum. Apparently they occur in 15% of all men. The surgery involves making a 1/4 inch incision, and using a laser to seal the “leak” causing the fluid pouch. That is a very un-technical explanation. But I don’t see him ripping out stiches or bleeding to death.

I do not know if grandma is ok with it or not, we haven’t asked her yet. But I think it would be overburdening her, and I am willing to take off from work in order to be with my own kids and take care of poor DH. He just doesn’t want me to. That is the part I have a hard time with.


#8

[quote=TAS2000]Well, this is what I wanted to know. I am not resentful, but I *am *drawing from my personnal experience. I have had surgery involving the abdominal wall, been told to take it it easy for weeks, no lifting etc. and I have always found that to be HUGELY conservative. If I laid around doing nothing that long I would go crazy, and probably drive everyone else there with me. So I have a fundamental problem seeing why he feels the opposite. I realized that I might not have the proper perspective, so I thought I’d ask for help. Looks like its a good thing I did, cause my initial reaction does indeed seem to be too harsh.

For the record, he has a hydrocele, which is a pouch of fluid in his scrotum. Apparently they occur in 15% of all men. The surgery involves making a 1/4 inch incision, and using a laser to seal the “leak” causing the fluid pouch. That is a very un-technical explanation. But I don’t see him ripping out stiches or bleeding to death.

I do not know if grandma is ok with it or not, we haven’t asked her yet. But I think it would be overburdening her, and I am willing to take off from work in order to be with my own kids and take care of poor DH. He just doesn’t want me to. That is the part I have a hard time with.
[/quote]

Your description of the procecure sounds very similar to the invasive procedures for a vasectomy. FOLLOW THE DR.S ORDERS RE WEIGHT RESTRICTIONS. A day or two after the procedure, your husband will feel like he is fine, but his body will still be recovering. At this time your husband may over do it, and then be knocked to the ground, so to speak. Sending the kids to grandma’s, if she is willing, sounds like a good idea.

As you are familar, any procedure wipes a person out (been there too). Your husband will need rest; not the responsibility of being a parent. (Besides, we all know men are bigger babies than us women! :stuck_out_tongue: )


#9

Outpatient surgery? These days they do heart transplants on an outpatient basis. Don’t count on an instant bounce-back. Follow orders.


#10

My DH got up too quickly after an abdominal sugery, did too much and developed a hernia that required another surgery. Conservative in these matters is no sin. It may be the better idea. I would guess that you would prefer to have a single surgery and a single recovery period rather than a long drawn out affair with multiple procedures and a recovery time of weeks or even months (don’t ask!). Taking a day or two (or the long weekend) to let the man get back on his feet seems to be not such a bad idea to me.

As for your opinion of what is appropriate for recovery, well, it is just that. We must fight the sin of being judgemental. Of course, I would hate to put my parents out and to lose the time with my kids, too…


#11

[quote=TAS2000]…I *am *drawing from my personnal experience. I have had surgery involving the abdominal wall, been told to take it it easy for weeks, no lifting etc. and I have always found that to be HUGELY conservative. If I laid around doing nothing that long I would go crazy, and probably drive everyone else there with me. So I have a fundamental problem seeing why he feels the opposite.
[/quote]

One thing which may help you gain a better understanding is to have your husband’s doctor explain to you the anatomical distinctions between men and women–particularly as they apply to abdominal musculature and risk of hernias. Men and women are quite different in that regard and men are statistically more prone to hernia than women.

There are reasons for post-op home care instructions-- and they are based on the outcome and experience of numerous patients who have undergone the procedure in question. Avoiding unnecesary complications and assuring recovery is the primary purpose behind the cautions you receive. If that is your goal–follow the doc’s orders.


#12

I certainly wouldn’t want my fiance even remotely pushing any limits considering the sensitivity of the area being operated on.


#13

I had 2 C-sections and both incisions opened when I got home from the hospital. When it happened the 2nd time I did not move off the couch. I pledged to follow Dr’s orders completely from that point on.

As a happy side note maybe the grandparents will get to spend some nice quality time with the kiddos. :slight_smile:

I hope all goes well!

LynnieLew


#14

[quote=TAS2000] DH is having outpatient surgery. In a “sensative” area. He will have a lifting restriction after the surgery of 10 lbs. Surgery Wednesday, back to work Monday. Seems pretty simple to me.
[/quote]

Seems to me that you aren’t the one having the surgery and hence the “simple” comment. Surgery is never “simple”.

[quote=TAS2000] We have 3 kids. The youngest is 4 months old, almost 14 lbs. DH wants to ship the kids to grandma’s house for the three days. (I work full time).
[/quote]

Your husband should not be watching the children while recovering from surgery. Grandma is a viable option.

[quote=TAS2000] I am having a REAL hard time being warm and fuzzy about this. Normally the kids are at the babysitter until he gets off work, about 1:30. He doesn’t want to leave them there and extend their normal time until I get home. He doesn’t want to spend the extra money.
[/quote]

If you don’t have the money, then the grandma plan sounds reasonable. If you do have the money then that might be the best option based on your info that grandma would have a total of 5 kids.

I, however, am having a hard time being warm and fuzzie about your lack of respect and concern for your husband.

[quote=TAS2000] I offered to take vacation Thurs and Fri (I’d be taking Wednesday anyway). He doesn’t want me to “waste” my vacation days.
[/quote]

Considering what you’ve written here about your husband, have you considered maybe he doesn’t want you to take off work because he’d rather be alone? Really-- I wouldn’t want you “caring” for me if you were going to go on about what a “baby” I am being for following my doctor’s orders.

[quote=TAS2000] He thinks he won’t be able to take care of them himself (like he normally does) because of the weight restriction.
[/quote]

He is correct there.

[quote=TAS2000] So he sees the only solution as dumping the kids on grandma for three days and nights. BTW, granmda will also be watching her other two grandchildren for that week due to the parents going on a trip.
[/quote]

I disagree that grandma is the only solution, but she is a solution. I think the babysitter option would be viable (but I don’t know your financial situation either).

[quote=TAS2000] My personnal opinion is that he should suck it up and deal with it.
[/quote]

My personal opinion can’t be shared here.

[quote=TAS2000] I don’t think many people follow those weight restrictions that closely (I know I never did), and I don’t see that he will be spending that much time holding the baby anyway. BUT, he may not be as tough as I am. Or, maybe since it involves that male area that I don’t truly understand, it really will be that much trouble.
[/quote]

I really hope you reconsider that you are being completely disrespetful to your husband, his feelings, and his health.

[quote=TAS2000] So am I being unfeeling? Or is he just being a big baby?:wink:
[/quote]

Yes, you are being unfeeling. And, I believe Dr. Laura has a book you should be reading-- The Care And Feeding Of Husbands.


#15

I am understanding that your dh wants you to send your children away not just for the working hours, but overnight, too?

I couldn’t imagine being away from a four month old that long.

Maybe you could watch the kids and grandma could watch the dh. :slight_smile:


#16

Yes, you are correct, DH wanted to send the kids away for 3, well actually more like 4 days and nights. He would take them to grandma’s Tuesday afternoon while I was at work, and we would not pick them up until sometime Saturday.

I think some of you misunderstood my main point. It isn’t really lack of concern for DH or his recovery. (You kind of have to know him, but he tends to go overboard in planning for every possible thing that could happen. Worst-case scenario describes him perfectly. And usually it is nowhere near as bad as he makes everything sound. So in response I try to be more laid back to calm him down and bring some perspective to whatever situation we are in.) My main point however, is feeling warm and fuzzy over his plan about who should be taking care of our children.

This has been an ongoing issue throughout our marriage, so that’s probably why my reaction was so strong. I think DH takes advantage of people, specifically his parents. It isn’t like the kids don’t see their grandparents regularly. And until DH brought it up, I assumed that the kids would be going to the sitter’s as usual. The only reason it would cost us “extra” would be if they stayed there until I pick them up, rather than him. We are not strapped, so it wouldn’t be a big deal, money-wise. And if I take vacation time, it wouldn’t cost us anything extra anyway. I think DH just saw an opportunity where he can get free babysitting, so he wanted to take it. I feel that whenever possible, one of us should be watching/raising our children, not someone else, even if it “costs” money.

Also, I did not give DH a direct reply to his “great plan”, so that I could get some perspective. So to anyone who feels I am being a harpy to my DH, you can rest assured, I never gave him any disrespect or any indication that I wasn’t concerned about his well-being. It was simply the child-care issue, and whether or not dumping the kids on grandma when she will already be watching 2 other kids, (and 2 dogs) was a great solution.

[font=Arial]And lastly, my stalling technique worked better than I ever imagined. DD came home from kindergarden Friday afternoon with chicken pox, so the kids will most definitely NOT be going to grandma’s to contaminate their cousins. I will be taking vacation days, and staying home to take care of my family, which is how I thought it should be from the first. [/font]


#17

I am a grandmother. I try to help wherever and whenever i can, however…one family at a time is enough. I think the babysitter is a good plan or if they are at grandma’s house, they should be home at night! No, don’t have hubby babysit. We take surgery much too lightly anymore and wind up with big problems. Let him recover. Take good care of him. You sound like my childrens father…he would get upset when I was sick because it was a big inconvenience.

So, I say:

1: Babysitter for children
2. Grandma only in the day
3. You stay home and use some “vacation” taking care of hubby and kids.

Personally, I’d take # 3! Overall, less problamatic for everyone!

Love and peace,

Mom of 5


#18

My personnal opinion is that he should suck it up and deal with it. I don’t think many people follow those weight restrictions that closely (I know I never did), and I don’t see that he will be spending that much time holding the baby anyway.

I think I would feel the same as you. I had a c-section when my oldest was 2 1/2 and I held the baby, held my 2 year old, took care of the house, did laundry,etc. Dh was at work and that left me to carry on. It wasn’t fun, but do what you have to do.


#19

[quote=TAS2000]And lastly, my stalling technique worked better than I ever imagined. DD came home from kindergarden Friday afternoon with chicken pox, so the kids will most definitely NOT be going to grandma’s to contaminate their cousins. I will be taking vacation days, and staying home to take care of my family, which is how I thought it should be from the first.
[/quote]

Not to get off-topic, but did your DD get the chickenpox vaccine? Did she pick it up from a kid at school?


#20

There is a regular Chicken Pox epidemic around here. It was on the news. Schools are reporting many cases, and in all the cases I know of personnally, including my own kids, all the kids were vaccinated. Since most of the kids seem to be about the same age, there was speculation that maybe they all got a “bad batch” of vaccine, but I don’t know about that. And of course, it is branching out in siblings, schoolmates, etc.

We are pretty sure DD got it from a kid at the sitter’s, but the same week we also got a note from the school saying a kid in the kindergarden had it too. So far DD is the only one with pox. DS is 4 and has had shots, but the baby has only had one set of shots, and chicken pox wasn’t in that one. So we are playing the “wait and see” game. I’m just hoping they don’t decide to all come down with it one at a time, strictly for my own convienience. I’d rather they all got sick at once and got better so I wouldn’t miss so much work. But all we can do is hope.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.