HELP! Am I being selfish?


#1

My husband and I were talking last night about his career plans and the future and what not. He is currently finishing up his undergrad degree and is getting ready to start his masters. He has gotten an internship with a major auto company that he really enjoys however the stuff he works on doesn’t interest him as much as he wold like.He thinks he would like to work with engine development however the only place that this company has that is in California. They have already told him that if he would like to do a co-op or internship out there they would be glad to do that.

So here are my problems/concerns…

If he were to do an internship he would have to move to cali for 4 months and I would stay back in Michigan :frowning: we just got married 9 months ago and we did the long distance thing for 2 years i REALLY don’t EVER want to do it agian if we don’t have to.He HATES talking on the phone so there would be verylittle contact between us. We both agree there is no point in him doing this internship unless there is a chance that he will really enjoy it and we will ultimatly move out there after he’s done with school so he can work out there. This is where i am really struggling with the situation. I REALLY want to start a family and get a house (and so does he :slight_smile: ) but I want to raise our children close to our parent and silings, I really want them to be close to their extended family. So if we were to move to california it would mean delaying having children and renting for a few more years.He doesn’t understand why I would want to wait and why we couldn’t start a family somwhere else…and I can’t seem to make him understand how I feel…I also TRULY want him to be happy and enjoy his work and I’d feel aweful if we ended up staying here and he ended up regretting never moving to cali and trying out that job…:confused: :confused: what to do???

so I guess I just need some advice or some personal experiences from you all. Have you been in a situation like this with your spouse? or do you have any ideas for me? should I just get over the idea of staying close to the family and do what my husband wants?

HELP!!!


#2

My only advice is to pray that God leads you to where HE wants you to be!
If the internship is meant to be, it’ll work out easily! If not, things will fall into place as they’re meant to be!
Pray that God leads you in the right direction… be OPEN to whatever His will is… not yours… not your fiance’s… but GOD’S!

It’s not a battle between the desires of you and your fiance… you’re in this TOGETHER… so don’t blame “his wants” versus “your wants”… you need to pray about what GOD wants!


#3

Neither of you should be getting over anything except one thing: if he hates talking on the phone and it’s either that or no contact with you, then he should get over it. Otherwise you need to reach some kind of agreement.

As for extended family, whose is it? To children, your extended family and your husband’s should matter the same, while your family to him and his to you. You can’t really expect your husband to stay around your extended family unless you’re ready to do the same for him. Besides, would that extended family stay with you or would they move out if they had better job opportunities elsewhere? You may want to stay close to your parents and siblings, but what guarantees your siblings won’t move on to greener pastures when the opportunities arise?


#4

I think it is important for both of you to realize that if he decides he would really like to try the position in California, that decision is not something that is permanent and irrevocable. I made a couple of cross country moves supporting my husband’s career choices. It is an adventure, and there are things to like about various parts of the country. Personally, my thought is that if you both have a wonderful and supportive family network in Michigan, then that is eventually going to call you back home, even if you give California a try for a while.

Some thing to consider are would the time in California give him any experience that would be of value in Michigan, or would it be a dead-end for him if he didn’t want to stay in California?

Chances are good that I live in the particular part of California that you are considering (north and west of LA). I can tell you that the weather is awesome, the people are friendly, and the schools are great. It is also terribly expensive to live here and even if you can afford it, it would likely be a lower standard of living than you would have in Michigan.

I would recommend not being afraid to give it a try, but you should both really be thinking about how it fits in with your long term plans.


#5

When you married him it wasn’t contingent on geography… as Ruth would say “where you go, I will go”.

If your husband thinks its best for the family to move to CA, then that is what you should do. He is the one who will be doing this job day in and day out, therefore I think it is a mistake to not pursue this option.

Raising family near relatives is ideal, but not a necessity.


#6

It’s 4 months, is there anyway you can save up money and just go with him for a carefree trip? California can be an awesome place to enjoy, scuba, boating, sightseeing and just enjoying the beauty of it all can take all 4 months.

Now, if he were talking something permanent…I could see where you are coming from.

It sounds as if this situation has triggered some deeper issues for you. Have you tried to sit down with him on a calm day and let him know that you have other deeper feelings to discuss?


#7

I’m with hasikelee. You’re still newlyweds and this opportunity is only 4 months. Go with him. Rent an apartment for 4 months, he does his internship, you explore the area (check out churches, schools, hospitals, housing, recreation centers, etc.) so that you have a feel for what it would be to live there - IF that option becomes available.

Take a weekend to visit San Diego, and another to go to Santa Barbara, and another to get to Monterrey. These are places truly worth visiting in one’s lifetime, especially when you’re young with no children. You can even plan a trip visiting the California Missions…there’s so much history there!

If he goes alone and you stay in Michigan, he will not have done the homework of truly investigating what it would take to live there long term (he’d be too busy in his internship). You would have no reference point on which to draw to make a major decision as leaving your family for California if you don’t at least visit the area.

Being away from extended family for a trial period before you start your family will be a very good opportunity for you to examine those deeper issues this situation seems to have raised in you. I agree with Hasikelee on that, too. The two of you need to have a serious discussion of what ‘two become one’ really means. Go back and read scripture…remember that the man is the head of the household because he is to put the honor and safety of his family first and foremost. You, as his wife, are to trust him completely to do just that, and so you would be able to obey, with love.

When we find ourselves digging our heels into our own territory within the marriage it’s an indication of a lack of trust. Fear is a powerful motivator. If you’re afraid to trust his decisions for the family, and he’s afraid to trust your instincts about the family, you need to examine that together. Face your fears together. You will discover a lot about each other in this exercise and develop a trust which will carry you through dark times.

Remember you both left your families when you married to start your own - with GOD first and foremost. The extended family is a bonus - only if that is God’s will for you two. Perhaps He needs you two to go to CA to do His work. It is something you must consider, pray about, and be open to, just as you must remain open to the timing of when children enter into the marriage. You seem to want to start now, perhaps God is asking you to wait until after you’ve spent some time in CA.


#8

I’m sort of confused by your post…you said you’re married…so why wouldn’t you go to CA with him? Would he be living in a company dorm or something? Or are you unable to leave Michigan because of your school? :confused:


#9

I wouldn’t be able to go with him to california because the company he is doing his internship for does not make any provisions for spouses…(this is mostly because most of their college interns aren’t married.) as well as I am currently working fulltime to support us while he goes to school. We simply could not afford for me to not work for four month, as well as I couldn’t take a leave from my job or I’d lose my managament position.

I do like the idea of going there to check out the area to see if its a place we’d want to raise a family…we could possibly arrange for me to visit him out there if he were to go…

As for there being deeper issues or not trusting my husband I do not feel that is the case. I really trust his judgement a 100% I just think that there might be some other options we should explore or consider in this.Such as another poster said…the cost of living in Cali is much much higher than it is here in michigan. We both agree we want to start a family once he’s done with school I cannot even imagine how living in cali, having a baby, renting, and paying off student loans would effect our savings :eek: we both have our immediate families here and are very close to our parents and siblings.My youngest sibling is 3 years old it would be very hard for me to be states away and miss out on his childhood. Right now i’m 45 mins away and feel bad everytime i go there and he cries for me to come live with him and not to leave …:frowning: (he’s very attached to me)

ALso we live in Michigan…the auto capital of the world…there are plenty of other auto companes here IN michigan that he hasn’t looked into that do the sort of thing that interests him within our state. (The company he’s with right now is actually a foriegn car company which is why they have limited programs here)

So right now I have encouraged him to look into the other car companys in our area to see if he could get into their programs here…and then if thats not possible we’ll consider the cali thing…Does that seem fair??? or do you guys still think i should just tell him to go to cali?


#10

Maybe the 4 months here would give him some good experience to get a job with another company there. I think 4 months isn’t the end of the world, so if it were me, I’d probably let him decide.


#11

It seems like you consider living close to your family as part
of the wedding vows, as if he would be unfaithful to you if he
did not honor this wish. I think you have a lot more talking to
do before you ask people what you should do. Ask him for his
advantage/disadvantage list for going vs. staying and give him
yours. You may need to think about it for a couple days.
Decide what your goals are and how each choice would help
or hurt your goals. Ask him the same for himself. After you
get all this information from each other, you have to pray. Ask
God what His goals are and which choice He prefers the 2 of
you make. Sometimes either choice is fine with God, sometimes
certain signs happen to show you what He wants.

Our family is in a somewhat similar situation, due to the
difficulty here in the auto industry in Michigan. I know our
family isn’t the only one that is forced to move to another
state, so our children will have a future. The jobs here are
few and far between. Anyone who has a job in Michigan is
lucky to have one, and they generally need to take a cut in
pay or just be laid off. Out there on the west coast there are
more jobs, the pay is higher, and there are raises. Remember
raises? Michiganders just don’t get those anymore.
Sure it’s great to be near your family, but are they going to
pay for your house, your car, and your kids’ college? So the
2 of you need to talk about your goals for your family and
decide together and with prayer what is right for your family.

I know that wherever we go, God will be there.
:slight_smile: Blessings on your family…


#12

I understand where you are coming from, you are not being selfish, you are being a wife! Similar thing happened with my brother and his wife. But his wife would NOT let him go any other city to work, even if its a 3 hours drive. (guess it’s typical in her family, when her parents moved countries, her mum protested and refused to work and learn how to drive).

I believe 4 months is very short time. I go to university 3 hours flight from home, so I am not able to see family for 4 months.

Just one thing though, is his hate for phones surpass the love he has for you? Surely, if he loves you, calling once in a while wouldnt matter, would it?

I personally also dislike phone calls as well, but if the need comes that I need to call a loved one, I definately do.


#13

if you are married you should be together if possible, so go with him and find a temp job while you are there.

You need to discuss right now, before you have kids, what your plans are together for your family and individually, and most of all, what is God’s plan for you. How will you handle a job that requires a lot of travel. Will you both work, will you quit when you have a baby, etc. Think of a military family, they have to face this all the time, but it is something ideally to discuss before marriage, but it’s not too late. We are not talking about who is being selfish, we are talking about what is best for you as a family (leave the rest of the family, in-laws, parents out of it).


#14

You need to address the question of whose career is going to be most important for the future of your family. If the plan was for you to work while he finishes his education, and this is part of his education, then stick with the plan. If you have never dealt with the issue of my career vs your career, you better talk about it now.

One reminders, since you asked in OP about experience of others, you are not married to your family you are married to him. Yes it can be a hardship being away from family, but the marriage comes first. Also your attitude is the biggest factor in how a long distance move, career change, or any other big decision is going to pan out. Both my brothers lost out on huge opportunities because their wives refused to move away from family, and now they are bitter because they did not enjoy the financial and career success they expected. They stood in the way of their husbands’ careers, yet they criticize them constantly for not succeeding.

If you whine and moan about moving, that will poison the deal. If you look forward to change as an opportunity for growth, for coming closer together, for new challenges, it will make all the difference in the world. Besides, in SoCal they don’t play the first month of the baseball season in parkas and wool gloves.


#15

LIving separately…I don’t think is a good idea. BUT I keep thinking to myself…well if he were in the military 4 months is a drop in the bucket compared to a deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan. But this is an avoidable situation.

Internship? My anwers is NO. If its just a 4 month internship than fuggetaboutit. I do not know of one single person who said their carreer was decided on a 4 month internship. Ask him to just stay home in mich and do the internship there. If you had been married for 10 years I would look at it differently. I think that if I would have left for 4 months during the first 9 months of our marriage it would have been a bad thing.


#16

An internship could lead to a full-time position, so I wouldn’t dismiss it as being worthless (BUT…the full-time position would be in CA, so if the OP doesn’t want to move, that won’t work…)


#17

Lila Grace, GO WITH HIM to California. My husband is retired military and we went all over the world for the first 15 years of marriage. It was great. Yes, we had children in unusual places (Sicily Italy, for one) but it was worth it.
It IS hard on the grandparents but they managed to come see us wherever we were pretty often.
Now we’re back home in OK and they see the children all the time.
Let your husband follow his career plans; it is in the best interest of your family.
Just my two cents…


#18

What is this about not making provisions for spouses? Are you saying that if you tag along you won’t be able to share his room, board and car with him?

My dad travels 90% out of the year and as a family we traveled to many different places, simply staying in his hotel room and sharing the rental car. It was a very economical and positive idea that didn’t affect his company. He stayed in the room they chose and the car they rented.


#19

By Lila_grace:

I wouldn’t be able to go with him to california because the company he is doing his internship for does not make any provisions for spouses…(this is mostly because most of their college interns aren’t married.) as well as **I am currently working fulltime **to support us while he goes to school. We simply could not afford for me to not work for four month, as well as I couldn’t take a leave from my job or I’d lose my managament position.

I do like the idea of going there to check out the area to see if its a place we’d want to raise a family…we could possibly arrange for me to visit him out there if he were to go…

sigh

Can anybody read?


#20

“We both”…and yet, he’s willing to consider a move to California, because the implication seems to be that this internship opportunity ‘might lead to a job’ for him, and he’s got to be thinking what the rest of us are: a job where? in California.

From what you’ve shared, your husband is interested in this California internship over other opportunities closer to home…that has to say something about what he’s really feeling but hasn’t communicated to you yet. If he was as committed to remaining close to the families, and starting his family near the extended family, why didn’t he rule out the CA internship on his own? This is revealing.

You have very strong feelings about living close to home. Perhaps your husband did too, in the beginning, but now is starting to feel adventurous. He may have tried to let you know what he’s thinking but you may not have heard him since you ‘know’ he would never ask you to leave your family…at least that seems to be the impression you have.

This internship is an opportunity for you to start at ground zero on this discussion. Clear your mind of any prior agreements you two had about where you would begin your family, and dismiss any presumptions that when he finishes his schooling he is destined to find work in Michigan, then start listening to him when he answers your questions about where HE sees you and the kids in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. You will walk away from the conversation with much to think about, as will he, but at least you will have had the discussion and all the cards will be on the table. Together you will put them in proper order.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.