Help! Crushing on married man


#1

…who also happens to be a subordinate at work. Seems in these times many find that more of a problem than the married part, though it may be different here. I know it is wrong, and perhaps even a sin, to entertain such feelings for a married man. When I first noticed them I tried to stay away from this man as much as I could. However recently I can feel my resolve slipping. I enjoy being in his company, laughing at his jokes, etc. When I try to avoid him, I miss him.

Now I’ve lurked here for several months and this is my first time posting. I am too ashamed to confide in anyone in RL about this, and I have found most of the advice given here to be sound. I expect to get some on-line versions of slaps upside the head for posting this, but I think perhaps I need that.

As I have lurked here, I have read all the posts about fleeing temptation and whatnot. However those seem to be addressed more towards married people who are tempted to cheat on their spouses, not towards singles tempted by married people. Hmm, perhaps I should clarify that I don’t think this man is deliberately trying to tempt me, indeed I suspect he would be horrified if he knew how I felt. (I’d also be horrified if he found out.) He speaks of his wife from time to time and they seem to be happy.

Another possibly mitigating factor here is, I am actually planning to change jobs in a little over a month, and the job is in another city, so I will actually be moving away and will likely never see this person again. The job change is for reasons unrelated to this issue. However my dilemma is, what to do for the next month. Staying away from him is hard not just because of my weakness but because of having to work with him and at times directly supervise him, and I can’t see myself telling my supervisor “please reassign me because I have a sinful attraction to ____”.

So, any advice in how to resist temptation would be helpful. I am not Catholic so I cannot go to confession, but any other suggestions would be appreciated.


#2

My only advice would be control yourself - if you have an attraction dont act on it dont have sexual thoughts simply make your self aware of the fact that he is a MARRIED man with a wife and therefore in no way attainable! And pray.


#3

You have to make it an act of your will to STOP this attraction. Yes, it is a choice you make to moon over him. You can also choose not to. Do it.

Whenever your will starts to pull you towards romantic thoughts say a Hail Mary or other prayer immediately and refocus your thoughts away from him.


#4

Pray for his wife every day.

When you have work conversations with him, ask about his wife.

Take a sharpie pen and write JMH on the back of your hand (Jesus, Mary and Joseph) - that will help your mind stay where it needs to be.

Remember, you can have good holy friendships - with married people even, it is important to be friends with BOTH of them.


#5

First–welcome to the CAF forum.:slight_smile: Glad to meet you.

Second–I think it’s always a good thing to be able to ‘confess’ something to others, because that is the first sign of being able to deal with a problem, or potential one. You recognize that you would feel embarassed if he or anyone else in real life knew, and that is really your conscience telling you…no, don’t do this. It is not ‘abnormal’ or sinful to have fleeting thoughts about someone, but when we dwell on them, that is when it can become a problem. Entertaining the thoughts…thinking ‘what if,’…those types ot thoughts can often grip people, to the point of acting them out. It really sounds like you are very grounded with the whole thing, and maybe confessing it here, will help you to not act on it. I agree with the other posters…just keep praying for self control. With God, all things are possible. Possibly go to Confession, and confess it for real.:o The advice I have gotten from priests during my lifetime of confessions has helped me in many ways, to really overcome sins that I had trouble overcoming.

Take each day at a time, and pray for his marriage. Pray for yourself, that God directs you to the right guy. If you concentrate on praying about it…I have a feeling that you’ll grow past this attraction, sooner than later. God bless, and good luck!:slight_smile:


#6

You’re getting great advice! I see you are “other” religion so I guess you cannot make use of our efficacious Sacrament of Confession. But I agree that confessing to another will knock the wind out of it. My marriage was lonely, and my husband was unkind, and sometimes a kind man would walk by my life and wow, my heart would skip and want to follow. This happened twice, and i knew it was wrong to have a heart for anyone but my husband, so I confessed to another. Actually I would confess to two different women I knew who really prayed, and asked them to pray for me to get over this. They did! They checked in with me to hear my progress, too. I also agree with who said you should think about and ask about his wife. Thank God constantly for his marriage and ask God to bless it, as well as keep asking Him to take away your crush. And avoid him as much as possible.

Likely he “feels” your attraction and while he may be faithful to his wife its not fair to her if he enjoys and is drawn to your flattering attention. And think of Jesus who watches every move of your heart.


#7

I have been where you are before. When I was still single I was attracted to a married man that I worked with. It was really hard because he liked to have me around, and of course I loved being around him. Plus, we worked very closely together. At one point he even asked me to go to the movies with him. Things pretty much went caput when he saw the horror in my eyes when he asked me. I don’t know what his intentions were, but at that point he could tell my feelings. My attraction led me to practically yell “no!” at him. I thank God! Feelings aren’t always easy to control, but, our actions are. All I would think of when I was dealing with my feelings was, "how would his wife feel?’ There was a song out at the time by the Dixie Chicks called “You Were Mine.” It kept me real focused, I would listen to it over and over, I could never be that person to tear a family apart. One of the other posters mentioned praying for her. That really is a good idea. It might sound silly, but, count down the days until you leave for your new position. This will make it more easy for you to take it one day at a time.


#8

With your relocation on the horizon, it sounds like the situation is about to resolve itself. Your mind may think of him from time to time, but the direct contact is no longer there and, in time, the feelings should wane.

I was once tempted by a very flirtatious co-worker who had a boyfriend and was a Wiccan. Every sensible part of my brain knew she was off-limits, not only because of her BF, but also due to her practicing the polar opposite of Catholicism.

The sexual attraction was mutual and very strong, but I held her off and, down the road, she switched jobs (she hated our boss - can’t say I blame her).

She kept e-mailing me for a while, but now (five years later), I don’t hear from her anymore. Out of sight - out of mind. Now that we’re both married, it’s a non-issue.


#9

RUN, don’t walk, away from this situation.
I had the same situation about five years ago. The relationship ended horribly and ruined us both professionally at the end. It never got physical, thank God, but easily could have.
It is not worth even taking a chance on, no matter how nice he is or how funny he is or how kind he is. RUN!!!


#10

Every time you want to indulge your attraction to him, envision his children crying as Daddy moves out of their house. Imagine his wife crushed by his betrayal, never able to trust men or feel loved again. In other words… force yourself to imagine the very real wreckage indulging in any kind of relationship with him could lead to.


#11

Dear Bibliofile,

I think is very important to think to what do you really want: to build a relationship on destroing another’s family? Would you trust a guy that would leave his wife for you? Wouldn’t you be affraid that he will leave you too one day in the same way? Or, would you like to be the hidden mistress, would this satisfy you?
The best is to avoid him, as much as you can. Or, at least, avoid to be lonely with him!!! In presence of other persons one cannot tell and do stupid things.
And think every day of what do you really want from a relationship. If your vocation (your destiny, what God have in mind for you) is the married life, would this situation be the realization of you vocation, or only a step aside, a loosing time and getting people and yourself hurt?
Is very important to be conscious of what your heart really desires and do not let yourself fooled by emotions of a moment. The emotions can be educated! For him would be a break with what it is his vocation, one that does something like this wouldn’t be able to build something for a life time with somebody else! Think well if you really want a man like this and a life built on something you have stolen. And think also the he is not the only man on Earth! :slight_smile:
A second thing, you cannot stand so easily apart form a stupid things by yourself. Confide to some friends that can help you to think right on this. You must have a friendly figure that supports you every day when you see him and think “this is a stupid thing, it is something else that I really want!”. The beauty of a true friendship can help you see that a relationship can be something that can be good, pure, beautiful and for a life time, and you don’t have to give up in searching what you really desire.
And the last thing: pray! Pray God to keep you straight, to give you the strength to be true with yourself and the others, and to help you find what you are searching for!
With love in God,

Adelaida

PS If you can, meet his wife. Have a dinner with his family or, at least, make him introduce you to his family. This would also help!


#12

Keep contact to a minimum. Don’t strike up a ‘friendship’. You can’t help having a crush, but you CAN stop it developping into something more, and yes think how it would destroy his family if you were the cause of yet another affair and divorce…You deserve better! A man who’s AVAILABLE and ALL YOURS:D


#13

O God, I beg You, send Your angels to to watch over, to cherish, to protect, to abide with, and to defend Bibliophile and put an end to her crush on this man.

Father, I ask this of You through our Lord Jesus Christ, thy Son, who is God, living and reigning with Thee, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, for ever and ever

Amen


#14

You have gotten really good advice here. I’ll just add that he probably seems like a guy with all the virtues. But he belongs to someone else. It’s like a nice car in someone else’s driveway. You cannot just get in and drive off with it.

The funny thing about these guys… if he were to leave his wife for you, even temporarily, he would cease to be the super nice guy you think he is. Then he should lose all attraction to you. So by getting him, you shouldn’t want him anymore.


#15

This is GREAT advice!

Turn the situation around. Put yourself in his shoes and in his wife’s shoes. Time to step away from this situation. The move will be what is best for you and for him.


#16

Thanks to all for the replies. I have especially taken to heart the advice about praying for his marriage and thinking about what how wife would feel, if she knew about this situation. I think kage-ar’s suggestion about asking about his wife is great. I haven’t actually met her and I must admit, I really hadn’t thought much about her as a real person with feelings that could be hurt by this. Even though I haven’t done anything inappropriate with him I realize I am sinning against her by coveting her spouse. He actually mentioned to me recently that his wife is sick, and that really made me feel bad. Especially since recently we have both been working late nights, and if I put myself in the wife’s shoes, and imagine being at home sick waiting up for hubby to come home; if I found out he was spending time joking and laughing with a woman who was attracted to him, I wouldn’t like it one bit.

adelaida, I do know better than to ever be alone with him, I’ve made sure there are people around whenever I have to talk to him about work-related matters. Also, I am going to try not to talk to him much about personal matters as I don’t want to wind up having an emotional affair which I know can be just as damaging to a marriage as a physical one. So I don’t think inviting myself over to his house would be a great idea even if his wife were present, also I know women are often good at sensing when other women are attracted to their mates and I don’t want to put her through that.

liberanosalamo; I agree with you totally. When I think about this man it’s not so much “oh he’s so cute” but “oh he’s so sweet and considerate” which he is, but if he were to be the kind of person who would cheat on his wife, then he would not be sweet and considerate then, indeed I’d probably lose respect for him then, a paradox but true.

To those I didn’t single out, again thank you for the kind advice. and prayers! I admit I was a little apprehensive of being harshly judged when I posted, and I really appreciate the compassion everyone has shown me. In the past when I heard about women dating married men I tended to judge them very harshly and think I’d never be that stupid to want a married man, and I think perhaps my pride has contributed to this situation because at first I never thought to guard myself against it, and these romantic feelings just snuck up on me. I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson here.


#17

biblio, do you suppose your recent lowered ability to resist is due to knowing that you are leaving in a month?

This could be a subconscious thing…

Since this is a work situation, is this putting your job at risk? If you do some last-minute thing with him, are you going to lose that transfer, get fired, get him fired?

Your mind and heart, on some level, is probably fighting for one last moment/idea/fling with him. Are you able to use up any vacation/personal hours to stay away from him even longer?


#18

Keep it business.
The things that may be running through your mind (he’s such a great guy, he’s so easy to talk to, he’s so funny, he really gets me, he’s so this or that) may or may not be true. And in reality, it shouldn’t matter one single bit to you. He’s not magical, he has stinky morning breath, passes gas, has crabby days and maybe dances like a dork, whatever.

I would not recommend asking about his wife, this may be opening a can of worms. Asking about her would further “get you into his life” in some way…not what you need. Distance is the key here, mentally, emotionally. My ex-husband’s “girlfriend” even recommended to him books that she thought I would like…just another way for her to be involved in his life, even if it was through his marriage.

Besides, what if he somehow confides in you about a less-than-happy marriage, he wishes his wife would appreciate him more…all things that wouldn’t be good for you to hear and would really mess with your head and heart. Or you might not realize if you begin comparing yourself to her, or if he begins to do so.

Be really honest to Jesus about this. Don’t try to hide anything from Christ, entrust it ALL to Him. And He can help you.

But if you start thinking that God has brought you and this married man together, that isn’t God’s voice.

I love the idea of having a sort of accountability partner who is going to keep an eye on how you’re doing.

Speaking as a former wife.
God bless you!


#19

You’ve gotten great advice. I agree telling a trusted friend or minister would help. Asking about his wife, picturing his family if he left, also helps.

Also realize that if he’s willing to cheat with you on his wife, what is the best case scenario that could happen? He’d leave his wife (and kids if he has them), and marry you? How could you ever trust him knowing that he was willing to cheat once before?

Lastly, I will just say that many many years ago I made the mistake of following through on my crush. It was one of the most empty, soulless feelings I’ve had. Years later I was on a project where one of the consultants became too close to a married client, and they wound up getting together and he left his family. It affected all of us, it was horrible to watch, particularly when they were as giddy as two teenagers. I just kept seeing that picture of his kids, who lost their father because of his stupidity and her selfishness (and her stupidity and his selfishness!). Talk about circles coming round again…

GL


#20

Welcome to the forum! You sound like a smart young lady, so I’m sure you recognize this as what it is. The devil has found a opening, the temptations are him talking to you. Don’t let him win, because you’re gonna hate that later on.

I know you work with this guy, so not like you can just walk away. Make sure your conversations are never about anything personal, keep them work related and light.

If he comes to you with, “lemme tell ya what my wife does”, or “she doesn’t understand me,” tell him what he needs to do is call his wife, NOT you. Goes without saying do NOT see this man at anytime, anywhere outside of the office.

I never had these temptations because I worked in a all male enviroment, but I understand fully when you mix males and females, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, stuff happens. Seems like the devil sets up camp at the copy machine to take advantage of our hormones.

My 52 years of planet walking taught me many lessons. Sadly, one of them is some single ladies don’t think twice about married men. It was once explained to me, "If I limited myself to single men, I grossly limit my dating pool, beside most single men my age are that way for a reason. They subscribe to the theory it is the wife’s job to keep her man happy so he won’t wonder. Don’t become one of these! They are everywhere in the secular world, and have broken up millions of Christian homes, again the devils work.

Stay true to your faith. The feelings for this man will pass. Your future husband is out there somewhere, heck he could be around the next corner, do you really want to have to tell him someday you were once involved with a married man? How do you think a normal guy responds to that? I woulda prolly eased out. “If she doesn’t take his wedding vows seriously, I wonder if she’ll take *ours?” * See where this goes if you cross the line?

Keep us posted.


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