Help dealing with family

I am not sure how to handle this without hurting someone in the situation. I am came in my marriage with my husband with knowing that he had two children and an ex wife. I was fully ok with it and knowing it would be difficult but I am not sure if I can handle it any longer.

We have been married 2 years this last June and have been together for almost 6 years. My husband has two children in which he has week-on week-off schedule with (which I do want to say the children are not the issue). My husband & I also have a child together in which just turned 4.

I have the HUGE problem with the ex wife. She has nothing but tried to ruin everything that my husband & I have without killing me. In the beginning, it was just innocent comments about my husband & I that was only voiced to my husband & I. It has now turned to her trying to ruin my career by what she has said to people that she knows (as I am a tax accountant and in a very public position) to turning me into social services on false accusations of child abuse. She has talked **** to my step-children about me(which I have gone to love and adore). She has even tried to take the children away from my husband, whom my husband has to spend thousands to save and the list could go on and on.

The problem that I am having now (which I think has broke the back of all of this) is that my in-laws (my husband’s father side) have become “friends” with her on top of all of this. This last weekend it was discovered that she, her new husband, and the kids were invited and went to a family gathering with my husband family and we knew nothing about it. When it was discovered, my husband confronted his family and once again it was turned around to be my fault as one of his cousins put it “She thinks she is better then certain people”. Nothing about how inappropriate it was or anything.

I am not sure how much more I can deal with living in this woman’s shadow. I have told my husband that and now it is looked at that this is my entire fault. I am just ready to turn in the towel and raise my daughter alone as I feel there is so much stress in the situation and I refuse to let my daughter be raised like this. I just feel that yes I did marry my husband knowing he had an ex-wife but that is where it is suppose to be but I don’t feel that way. I feel like I am under the shadow of this woman and it doesn’t seem to be getting better.

Now I feel my husband is taking a lot of the blame as he did something wrong but it is more that I am just protecting myself, my daughter, and everything I have worked for. He keeps telling me that divorcing him is only punishing him and letting her “win” but I think it is beyond letting someone win or lose.

Any advise……….

You are not the first person on earth to be placed in this position. Check out your public library for books on blended families. I’ll bet there is an avalanche of material in there. Also talk to your parish priest; he may have resources that can help you. You must fight. But fight clean.

I think that this could easily spiral into a mess of resentment and family alienation.

Obviously you and your husband are hurt and offended, but instead of trying to prove your point and further putting your in-laws on the defensive…do something they won’t expect.

Invite them over for a family dinner. Send invites out and then do a follow-up call. Tell them that you understand that there is some family tension going on and you hope they’ll give you a chance to be more part of their family.

It’s easy for them to snub you and whatnot if your hubby’s ‘ex’ has their ears and has them to herself. If you are more involved in their lives then they see you day-to-day and it will be harder for them to bear a grudge against someone that is truly nice to them.

This will only work IF you truly want to be part of your in-laws lives. Don’t do this if you really aren’t part of their lives but all of a sudden want to be included because they are hanging out with his ‘ex’.

Also keep in mind his ex is the mother of two of his children and they have every right to invite whomever they wish to whatever event they might want to have, especially if they want to have a good relationship with her on behalf of the children.

So you are at a cross-roads, be resentful and keep on dredging up all the injustices she has caused against you…OR detach from her games and start making building blocks to have a closer knit extended family.

If you want to hold out for an apology from them, then it probably will only anger them. Keep in mind that the ‘ex’ isn’t treating them the way she’s treating you so they have no true emotional basis of being offended by her on your behalf.
Also you should only expect apologies from people if they have crossed clearly drawn reasonable boundaries. Dictating who they can or can not hang around with is controlling instead of being a reasonable boundary.

Shoot I dunno m’am, what a mess. So much of this is outta your control.

Your husband has children with this lady, so she is alwaya going to be around. I don’t blame ya for being concerened what effect this might be having on your child.

Are you saying your husband thinks you are blowing this outta proportion? Did you ask him why he thought that?

I wouldn’t leave for no other reason then your daughter, her parents need to do all they can to stay together. Stay positive, do the best you can being a wife and mother, folks will see the truth.

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