Help for daughter


#1

I need some advise in dealing with a situation with my daughter Shannon.

She is engaged to a guy who will shortly be stationed in Georgia.(he is currantly in the Army stationed in Europe,come back home next month) They have “dated” on line for a year and a half and after only seeing her for two weeks while home on leave, asked her to marry him against our wishes. We feel they do not know each other well enough to make this kind of decision. Well the weekend… She has decided against our wishes that she would move in with him for two years, then get married at the end of that time. We have begged her to stay home…get her education and compromised that in a year(instead of two) we will pay for her wedding, give her the car and furniture to set up her house, pay for him to come visit her in Florida every other week and we will take her up there to visit with him. She has turned us down saying she wants to be with him and has now moved out of our home and in with her sister and her husband. Some family says to just accept it and support her. As a Catholic mother…I can’t! She gets more defiant each day and even callthe police to help her move out. What can I do?


#2

How old is your daughter?

She called the police to help her move out?


#3

If she is of legal age, there is not much you can do. She is responsible for her choices, not you. I speak as a Catholic mother whose children also moved out and in with their boyfriend/girlfriend. One saw the error of her ways and quit the living arrangement until they got married. The other one eloped and got married by a JP. Broke my heart.

But…I cannot see where it would have done the family any good to alienate them or to be a source of trouble for them. To do so would have also alienated me from any future grandchildren, and also put a strain on the relationship with the other child, and also with my spouse. So I didn’t. I treat the spouse of the one who eloped as family and we have a good relationship. She is not Catholic, so in her eyes she is married in the eyes of God. I accept the fact this is my son’s choice, and I did what I could to raise him in the Church, he chose to go another way. I put them in the hands of God and pray for them. That is all the power and right I have to do. It has been 10 years now and there is peace in the family.

It sounds as if your daughter is acting impulsively, but sometimes people have to learn the hard way. If I were you, I would think long and hard about anything I did and said and the effect on the rest of the family and your relationship with your daughter and perhaps talk with your priest and pray hard about it. You have to figure out for yourself the direction you are going to take. That doesn’t mean, though, that you are obligated to support her financially–if she wants to make adult decisions, she has to become a adult. But that’s something you and your husband have to decide. God bless you, I know how hard this is.


#4

Katie and Carolyn........she just turned 20....but is a very "young" 20. She has not come from a broken home nor had to deal with a lot of things that force kids to have to grow up fast these days. We have no divorce in our family, but all her friends do. Most of her friends were pregnant by age 18. Some have married and since divorced. They are all supporting her and telling her how wonderful it all is. Even some Catholic family members are encouraging them and even giving them advise on contraception.

The guy is Catholic, but the family is very liberal in their views. His mother has something like 7 kids (she is 52 and her oldest is 35) all by different guys. Some she married others not. His Stepfather doesn't seem to mind the whole "shacking up" thing...so I feel no one is on our side and she is not being given good advise by those around her...including family members. They see her father and I as archaic.

She called the police and told them I was holding her against her wishes Saturday night. I was refusing to let her leave. She called her sister to come get her and she has been living with her since. We tried talking to her. We tried compromising and moving the wedding date up so it wasn't so far away in her mind. Nothing we do seems to satisfy her. All she says is "It's not what I want". We have offered her everything to help them out....and she can't seem to respect our wishes.

Maybe the best thing is to let them get married by a JP. At least the church does not recognize the marriage and when it fails in a few years, she doesn't have to do the whole annulment process.

Her Dad and I have been heartsick over this. We have prayed very hard. I've considered speaking to a priest and getting some counciling, but I'm not sure if she would go for that. I appreciate your kind words and advise.


#5

[quote="Debbie58, post:4, topic:233612"]
Katie and Carolyn........she just turned 20....but is a very "young" 20. She has not come from a broken home nor had to deal with a lot of things that force kids to have to grow up fast these days. We have no divorce in our family, but all her friends do. Most of her friends were pregnant by age 18. Some have married and since divorced. They are all supporting her and telling her how wonderful it all is. Even some Catholic family members are encouraging them and even giving them advise on contraception.

The guy is Catholic, but the family is very liberal in their views. His mother has something like 7 kids (she is 52 and her oldest is 35) all by different guys. Some she married others not. His Stepfather doesn't seem to mind the whole "shacking up" thing...so I feel no one is on our side and she is not being given good advise by those around her...including family members. They see her father and I as archaic.

She called the police and told them I was holding her against her wishes Saturday night. I was refusing to let her leave. She called her sister to come get her and she has been living with her since. We tried talking to her. We tried compromising and moving the wedding date up so it wasn't so far away in her mind. Nothing we do seems to satisfy her. All she says is "It's not what I want". We have offered her everything to help them out....and she can't seem to respect our wishes.

Maybe the best thing is to let them get married by a JP. At least the church does not recognize the marriage and when it fails in a few years, she doesn't have to do the whole annulment process.

Her Dad and I have been heartsick over this. We have prayed very hard. I've considered speaking to a priest and getting some counciling, but I'm not sure if she would go for that. I appreciate your kind words and advise.

[/quote]

Time to "let go and let God." As you know, there is really nothing you can do now. Pray for her, but she is cutting the ties with you and striking out on her own. Yes, these are likely bad decisions she is making, but there is a slim outside chance that things will work out for her, so try to paste a smile on your face and give her grace to try and room to fail. You won't stop loving her no matter what, but give her the "pink slip" on her life. Hey, look on the bright side, you won't have to pay for a big church wedding now! ;)

I am just being a little silly, I know my own heart would be broken too. But there is nothing you can do to force her to do what you want. At some point, all of our children are going to leave, and some are going to fall flat on their faces while they do it.

:shrug:


#6

[quote="Debbie58, post:4, topic:233612"]
Katie and Carolyn........she just turned 20....but is a very "young" 20. She has not come from a broken home nor had to deal with a lot of things that force kids to have to grow up fast these days. We have no divorce in our family, but all her friends do. Most of her friends were pregnant by age 18. Some have married and since divorced. They are all supporting her and telling her how wonderful it all is. Even some Catholic family members are encouraging them and even giving them advise on contraception.

The guy is Catholic, but the family is very liberal in their views. His mother has something like 7 kids (she is 52 and her oldest is 35) all by different guys. Some she married others not. His Stepfather doesn't seem to mind the whole "shacking up" thing...so I feel no one is on our side and she is not being given good advise by those around her...including family members. They see her father and I as archaic.

[/quote]

This must be such a tough situation for you. Unfortunately, all you can do for her at this point is to pray. She is a legal adult and will make her own decisions. But cutting her off won't do anything good for her. It sounds like she has very few positive influences in her life right now. The best thing for her would be for you and your husband to try and remain on good terms with her, so that you can be positive influences on her life.

Sometimes kids will surprise you. This might work out for her, and it might not. I guarantee you that my parents thought I was very young when I announced I was marrying my husband when we were just 19. But they stuck by me. They told me that they didn't agree with all of my choices, but they would always love me. Much to their surprise, my husband actually turned out to be a pretty great guy. The important thing was that they still supported me through the whole thing. You don't have to support her financially if you don't agree with her decisions. And you should let her know that even though you don't agree with her, you will always love her because she is your daughter.

She called the police and told them I was holding her against her wishes Saturday night. I was refusing to let her leave. She called her sister to come get her and she has been living with her since. We tried talking to her. We tried compromising and moving the wedding date up so it wasn't so far away in her mind. Nothing we do seems to satisfy her. All she says is "It's not what I want". We have offered her everything to help them out....and she can't seem to respect our wishes.

That's unfortunate that she felt the need to get the police involved. Perhaps she feels like you're not respecting her wishes, either. It sounds like in her mind, she's an adult and she's made her decision, but you are trying to force your decisions on her. It's quite possible that she felt trapped, and she acted out in this way as a way of showing you that she's making her own decisions now. I'm not in any way saying that it was right of her to call the police. I'm just saying that I can understand where she could be coming from.

Maybe the best thing is to let them get married by a JP. At least the church does not recognize the marriage and when it fails in a few years, she doesn't have to do the whole annulment process.

Her Dad and I have been heartsick over this. We have prayed very hard. I've considered speaking to a priest and getting some counciling, but I'm not sure if she would go for that. I appreciate your kind words and advise.

Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but even in the case of a JP wedding, she would still have to apply for an annulment if she divorces and wants to remarry in the future. Keep praying for her. Even if your daughter doesn't want to go to counseling, it would probably be a good idea for you and your husband to go. It might help you deal with some of the painful feelings you're experiencing right now. Keep praying!


#7

[quote="Debbie58, post:4, topic:233612"]

Maybe the best thing is to let them get married by a JP. At least the church does not recognize the marriage and when it fails in a few years, she doesn't have to do the whole annulment process.

[/quote]

I am not sure you have this right. I believe she would still have been considered married... Please, even if your daughter won't go, please speak to your parish priest. He will let you know what the church teaches, and he may be able to give you some peace about the situation. And of course, keep praying for your daughter.


#8

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. THis has been probably one of hardest things I have had to deal with with my kids.

I was told by a priest that if they got married by a JP...the annulment is unnecessary as the church does not recognize 2 Catholics getting married in any place other than the church. Upon further reading I have found this out.

Yes they would have to get the annulment....but the process for it is much simpler than if it were for a couple who had married in the church with the proper form. I understand some annulments can take a few years...for them (if the marriage fails) it would only take a couple months if that. IF they were smart enough to apply for a dispensation from form (which I doubt the Bishop would approve) to be married by a JP or "other minister"...in a setting other than the church.....Then I may have a problem....as they would have proper approval.(not going to happen) Right now they are not thinking about that. So yes...I can take comfort that if the marriage fails, the process is so much simpler than had they gotten married in the church proper...and the annulment would probably go through without much problem.

I am going to go down and make an appt. to speak to a priest ...wish me luck...and keep me and my family in prayer.


closed #9

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