I am 19, was born and raised Catholic, and am very involved in my parish. I really love and fear God, and I had always wanted to follow the Virgin Mary’s example (being a perfect servant of God). I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage.
However, last year I don’t know why but I had a crazy year. Several unsuccessful experiences with boys made me feel unwanted and lonely in the beginning of 2008, especially when all of my friends were in long-term relationships. I got ignored by a guy I was going out with (he never called me back after we got close to having sex but I said no). This led me to chatting with random guys online, and sometimes showing too much on webcam. :eek: But that didn’t work out, except that now I am terrified of what might happen in the future if some screen captures were to resurface (if there are any).
I was becoming more desperate, and that is when I did something really stupid during summer I went against everything I had always believed in and lost my virginity with someone I met on the same night in a club (I guess the shooters and 2 Smirnoffs I drank that night are partially to blame). I have never been so ashamed in my entire life. If there was one thing I could change in my past, it would be that.
After that I tried to make things work with the guy, because I figured that if we could turn this into a relationship, I wouldn’t feel as bad for losing my virginity with him. Sadly, he made it clear that because I was Catholic (he is from another culture) we would never be more than friends with benefits.
I sinned another time with him, but then I went to the World Youth Day in Sydney. Over there, I confessed my sin of sex outside of marriage (and lying to my parents to meet the guy) to a priest during one of the events. He forgave me and told me to stay away from temptation, but I still feel really guilty and undeserving of God’s love.
Now when I look at pictures of the Virgin Mary I feel ashamed and I feel like I messed up my life and no one will want me. I have followed the priest’s advice and cut all the boys from last year from my life. I avoid going clubbing and drinking. I am focusing more on my studies. I want to wait until I get married before I have sex again.
I am praying every night for the strength to not let this mistake get me down, but I can’t stop crying whenever I think about it. I feel like I am trapped and that no matter what I do, this sin will be like a stain on my soul forever.
I don’t know what to do.