Help, how do i go through a divorce?


#1

My husband left 5 months ago after 4 years of marriage. We have a 2 year old son. I have pleaded with him to seek out counseling from a marriage counselor or our priest, but he refuses. He says he does not love me, it’s dead, it’s over.
He wants to split our time with our son 50/50 which I think is absurd. I don’t believe this would be the right thing to ask of a 2 year old.
Also, since I won’t agree to divorce due to “irreconcilable differences,” he has filed on the grounds of “extreme and repeated mental cruelty” in order to move things along and not have to wait the mandatory 2 years to be granted a divorce.
Since I plan on going to trial and fighting the grounds because I am not guilty of mental cruelty, he has become very angry with me. I do not want this divorce, and I do not want to split our child in half.
I am going through RCIA right now and am trying to live the way God has intended. I am having a hard time knowing how I should be proceeding in this divorce and custody battle.
Am I supposed to give up and give my husband what he wants? I have been praying for reconciliation, and am trying to be patient, but the court and my husbands attorney are pushing things forward.
How do I approach all of this and honor God at the same time?


#2

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are in this…wow. My heart breaks for you.

That being said, you cannot force someone to love you…you know that, but it bears repeating. I am wondering why your husband is speeding this up so quickly? Do you think he is seeing someone else? Do you think he would be open to a trial separation? I ask because it’s odd that he would want to hasten things like this, to the point of lying about you to get a quicker divorce. I would stop pleading with him to stay–but maybe ask if you could try a separation. If he refuses, I would let him go. I don’t think it makes sense to beg someone to stay who doesn’t want to be there.

But, try first to speak to him about separating. Take one day at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so you need to take one thing at a time. I would pray pray pray for strength. You did nothing wrong, and God will get you through this. I would then seek the advice of an attorney for now…at least get your ducks in a row, in case he lays a divorce on you sooner than later.

Also…know that you are not alone. God loves you, and I would seek out the help of others in your parish who might be going through the same. Again…I’m sorry you are in this. My prayers are with you.


#3

I second the advice of get a lawyer, now.
Is he providing any support for you and your child?
What does he intend to do a/b this in future?
How does he want to handle your money, your
finances, your house?

Again, for your sake, and especially your son’s,
get a lawyer.


#4

Praying here.


#5

I want to respond to your post, but I have a couple questions to better understand your situation. I wonder is your husband Catholic or does your doing RCIA have something to do with his leaving?
Did you get married through the Church?
My sympathy is with your situation.


#6

To answer your questions…

My husband was raised catholic but stopped attending mass and practicing his faith when he left his parents home and went to college. We were married in a Methodist church that I attended.
I did not start RCIA until after he left, and he is not opposed to it.

I have asked him to consider a “legal separation” and he says “absolutely not.” He tells me that I need to "catch up and realize that it is over."
I don’t know if he is seeing anyone else. The one time that I asked him, he said, “why would I want to see someone who would end up being like you?” I know that he spends alot of his time with his parents and younger brother, so I think that it is unlikely that he is seeing someone else, but then again, I may be a fool to think that he’s not.

Regarding our property, he says he doesn’t want anything except for his vehicle and to have visitation with our son 50% of the time. He has been contributing about 15% of his net income to help with our expenses. Even though I earn more salary, the 15% is not enough to remain in our home, so we will probably have to sell it. This is unfortunate because we will have to move into an apartment and leave my sons daycare provider and our fantastic neighbors. This is very upsetting to me. His parents have allowed him to move into their old house, free of rent or any expenses, and he says he can only afford to contribute 15%.

I have retained an attorney and we will be going to court soon get temporary orders. She believes he will have to contribute at least 20% and that the judge will give my husband standard visitation. (every other weekend and one evening per week)

I hope that answered your questions. I just want to get through this without doing more damage than necessary. My son is the most important in this matter…I know that it would be a sad childhood to be bounced back and forth being split in half like a piece of property. However, I want him to see his father as often as possible. It seems like everyone is going to lose.

Thank you all for your prayers.
God bless you.


#7

I am sorry you are needing to weather this right now. God is with you…He will watch over you and your son. I wonder in reading this, why do you want to stay with someone who is very mean spirited to you? I guess that at one point, he wasn’t this way, but he resembles someone who is verbally abusive, frankly. And he didn’t answer the question, if he is seeing someone else, which I do think is the case. Unless there have been warning signs long time coming, and you have been in denial, he could very well be seeing someone. There is no reason to rush a divorce, unless someone is seeing another. Or there is danger to that party, which is not the case in your situation. I don’t want to think this way, but it doesn’t help to ignore that possibility, which you seem to have thought it, because you asked the question.

I think that I would seek out a lawyer asap. Make sure he cannot wreak havoc in your life AFTER the divorce. It will be difficult, but I wouldn’t want to hang on to someone who doesn’t see the good in me, and only spews negativity in my direction. I think as Catholics, we can pray that people will change, but if he is that head strong on getting a divorce…I would let him go. I think that you can do better, frankly, just from what I read here. God doesn’t want us to be abused, verbally, physcially or otherwise. It saddens Him to see this. You asked Him to stay, and He wants to leave…so, you have done all you can, at this stage.

I hope things improve…if you ever want to chat…please feel free to pm me. God bless.


#8

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.