Help -- I am in love! :(


#1

Good morning friends,

I am in kind of a hard situation. Last fall, when I was starting my faith journey through RCIA I met a Catholic man at my college. At the time, I had no Catholic friends and definitely believe he was brought into my life on purpose. Well, as time went on, I developed a huge crush on this person, and I am pretty sure he likes me too. However, he is painfully shy and I am not shy nor outgoing, so we have never spoken about “us”.

My issue is this, I am a firm believer that the man should do the pursuing, if it is meant to happen. I already feel like I have done too much in that area, I have called him on the phone twice to talk, and once tried to set up an activity between him and some of my friends. We don’t see each other at school anymore, and don’t go to the same church. So he will only call on the phone, or sometimes we speak on FaceBook… Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I tell him how I feel, is that the right thing to do? He is very shy, that might freak him out. And I do not want to get hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way. Do I move on, if so, how do I do that? Also, I don’t want to be sinful, how do I know if I am breaking the first commandment by putting someone else before God? I don’t think I do that, but I do spend a lot of time thinking about the situation.

Sorry if this is elementary but I have never felt like this before. What should a Catholic woman do?

God bless you,
Heavy Hearted in Missouri


#2

If he wasn't so painfully shy, I would think maybe he just wasn't interested. But it sounds like if he is, you're going to have to find out yourself rather than wait for him. Generally speaking I agree that the man should do the pursuing, but if someone is a great guy but just really shy, you could miss out by waiting around for him to make a move that he is scared to make.

It seems to me like the best thing to do right now is pursue his friendship. I would not tell him how you feel until you can spend some more time together. Don't ask him out on a date, just ask him if he'd like to get together for lunch or coffee sometime. Initially it sounds like you are going to have to be the one to arrange getting together. If you make it clear that you enjoy spending time with him and after a while he still isn't pursuing you, even as a friend, I would probably let it go. If he does, after awhile I think it would be appropriate to tell him how you feel.

Also, be careful not to assume that because you feel that he was brought into your life on purpose, you don't assume that purpose was to be in a relationship. That may or may not end up being the case, but treating it that way might be a bit premature for where you are in your friendship.


#3

[quote="Katie966, post:2, topic:231826"]
If he wasn't so painfully shy, I would think maybe he just wasn't interested. But it sounds like if he is, you're going to have to find out yourself rather than wait for him. Generally speaking I agree that the man should do the pursuing, but if someone is a great guy but just really shy, you could miss out by waiting around for him to make a move that he is scared to make.

It seems to me like the best thing to do right now is pursue his friendship. I would not tell him how you feel until you can spend some more time together. Don't ask him out on a date, just ask him if he'd like to get together for lunch or coffee sometime. Initially it sounds like you are going to have to be the one to arrange getting together. If you make it clear that you enjoy spending time with him and after a while he still isn't pursuing you, even as a friend, I would probably let it go. If he does, after awhile I think it would be appropriate to tell him how you feel.

Also, be careful not to assume that because you feel that he was brought into your life on purpose, you don't assume that purpose was to be in a relationship. That may or may not end up being the case, but treating it that way might be a bit premature for where you are in your friendship.

[/quote]

Thanks for your input, Katie. Here is a little more background information, he spent about... two months trying to come up and talk to me, he would walk up about 5 feet away and then walk away, and do this continuously (everyday, lol). I didn't even notice him, he found me. So eventually I went up to him and introduced myself. We spent every school day together after that. When we are together, his body language indicates that he is interested however, he does weird things that confuse me and scare me away. He will break plans, or say he will do something (like e-mail me class notes) and doesn't follow through. That makes me think he is trying to be nice, but really doesn't like me OR he is just that shy ??

You don't see an issue with a Catholic woman calling a Catholic man on the phone? I guess we are just friends?

Should I pray for help to move on? How do I deal with a broken heart?


#4

There's nothing "un-Catholic" about a woman asking a man out. If you like him, go for out. It sounds like you'd be doing a favor for the both of you.


#5

[quote="Bataar, post:4, topic:231826"]
There's nothing "un-Catholic" about a woman asking a man out. If you like him, go for out. It sounds like you'd be doing a favor for the both of you.

[/quote]

Thanks. This is helpful, sorry if I sound naive, but I am. :)


#6

I don’t think there is any problem at all with a woman calling a man, Catholic or not. My relationships have generally worked out better when I let the guy pursue, but I do think there are some guys that are just really shy. Also, there is a difference between actively pursuing someone romantically (which I think is best left to the man) and making sure someone knows you are interested in them. If the girl is open to communication and getting together, and receptive to him and is clear that she enjoys his company, then the guy should do the actual date planning, at least initially. I think this works out best most of the time, but I wouldn’t let it stop me from asking a man on a date if he was really great and just a bit shy.

I do think it’s a little weird though, that he breaks plans with you and doesn’t follow through. He might be shy, but I’m not sure why that would prevent him from emailing you class notes. How many times has he broken plans with you? Once or twice, well, not such a big deal. More than that, and I would start to assume he just wasn’t interested in spending time with me. If he’s really so shy that he is scared to be around you, then he probably isn’t ready for a relationship.

As for dealing with a broken heart, time does make it better. If this guy doesn’t feel the same way, don’t take it personally. We are all attracted to different things about people, and if it’s not mutual the best thing you can do is accept that it is how it is, and move along.


#7

Hey, Trumpetina. We don't always read other people's behaviour accurately, so in some situations you can have two people interested in each other but each thinking the other is not.

You say he calls on the phone or initiates conversations on Facebook and that doesn't sound like he doesn't want to keep the friendship going. Some young men take a long while before they ask a woman out, so as not to embarrass themselves and be hurt.

What I worry about is his saying he'll do something and then not doing it, or breaking plans, as you say. To me, that's a sign of trouble. I would "confront" him on that next time it happens and ask why he didn't follow through. Some people are forgetful and some are so shy they act in weird ways but I wouldn't bet too much on it.

Also, you need to consider what you want in life and how much you are ready to accept in an otherwise good candidate.


#8

My husband was incredibly shy when I met him ( I am incredibly outgoing) and he didn't even really notice me, so I pursued him without stopping :p finally he gave in and dated me then proposed. ( I wouldn't recommend this tactic however, I was technically stalking lol) :blush::D


#9

There is no problem with you asking him out as long as you maintain modesty and chastity. :)


#10

[quote="Trumpetina, post:3, topic:231826"]
Thanks for your input, Katie. Here is a little more background information, he spent about... two months trying to come up and talk to me, he would walk up about 5 feet away and then walk away, and do this continuously (everyday, lol). I didn't even notice him, he found me. So eventually I went up to him and introduced myself. We spent every school day together after that. When we are together, his body language indicates that he is interested however, he does weird things that confuse me and scare me away. He will break plans, or say he will do something (like e-mail me class notes) and doesn't follow through. That makes me think he is trying to be nice, but really doesn't like me OR he is just that shy ??

You don't see an issue with a Catholic woman calling a Catholic man on the phone? I guess we are just friends?

Should I pray for help to move on? How do I deal with a broken heart?

[/quote]

Honestly? You really want more of this? (And I say that in a totally sincere, charitable tone!)

However large your crush is, think about it. How long do you want to have to coax this guy out of his shell? Are you going to be pursuing him instead of having his confident attention? It's just like walking on eggshells, trying to second-guess what is going on. Too stressful. I would advise that you stop pursuing him AT ALL, and get involved in other things. If he wants to date you, he should have to step up, grow up, and be more mature.


#11

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:10, topic:231826"]
Honestly? You really want more of this? (And I say that in a totally sincere, charitable tone!)

However large your crush is, think about it. How long do you want to have to coax this guy out of his shell? Are you going to be pursuing him instead of having his confident attention? It's just like walking on eggshells, trying to second-guess what is going on. Too stressful. I would advise that you stop pursuing him AT ALL, and get involved in other things. If he wants to date you, he should have to step up, grow up, and be more mature.

[/quote]

I am with Julianne on this one. If he is shy, you will rarely be able to sit back and relax with him. You will have to do everything.

Also, (and I am speaking from experience). Extreme shyness comes from extreme insecurity. If he is as shy as you say, then he is not ready for a relationship

Also, no man would EVER cancel plans with a woman he likes unless there is an absolute emergency and then he would say 'Sorry, this came up can we do it tomorrow'

But to cancel instead of rescheduling means no interest on his part

CM


#12

Also, I think it says a lot that you titled this thread "Help--I am in love!" and then put an unhappy face after "I am in love."

Normally, people would say, "YIPPEE! I'm in LOVE!!!:D"

KWIM?


#13

I don't like girls asking me out, unless we're friends and we're just hanging out. If I sense someone's "asking me out" I just don't bother responding or claim I'm busy. Some guys are so nervous that they won't make the call at all, and probably wouldn't mind the girl asking him out. Which is rather un-manly in my opinion, but it's really not a moral issue. Whatever works best for the couple goes I guess :shrug:


#14

I do know what you mean. In my defense, this whole situation caught me off guard, I was not looking for it, and it has completely knocked me on my bottom… I am speechless, so much so, that I have to gone to an online forum for help and advice. This, in my view, is why it’s a sad face situation (ha ha), rather than a happy one. I am so confused, and lost, it hurts, with all these mixed signals and not knowing/understanding my role and what is/is not appropriate as a female.


#15

Dear Trumpetina.
I understand about the not-so-happy face. Being in love is not all blizz, its also a time of much confusion, vulnerability, a sense of loss of control, and a great need for prudence. Yet it is difficult to be prudent and wise when your mind is clouded with romantic emotion… I know that from my own life.

I don’t think you should ask out this man. If he is interested he needs to learn to take initiative. Otherwise I’d say he is not so much into you… The biggest warning sign is that he doesn’t keep his appointments with you… I had an ex-boyfriend who behaved like that and when I look back I realise it was because his love wasn’t true but very selfish.
Love is proven in action.

Another thing for you to think about… some women go crazy in their marriage because their husbands are too passive and introverted. This is really a problem for many. Are you ready to live with a man where you have to be the initiator and guess what he feels on a daily basis?.. because he will remain the same, also when you are not wearing pink glasses anymore.

Just some of my thoughts.


#16

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:10, topic:231826"]
Honestly? You really want more of this? (And I say that in a totally sincere, charitable tone!)

However large your crush is, think about it. How long do you want to have to coax this guy out of his shell? Are you going to be pursuing him instead of having his confident attention? It's just like walking on eggshells, trying to second-guess what is going on. Too stressful. I would advise that you stop pursuing him AT ALL, and get involved in other things. If he wants to date you, he should have to step up, grow up, and be more mature.

[/quote]

I totally agree. There are men who are shy, but will push themselves to act if they really like someone, and then there are guys who are so painfully shy that they need to work on themselves before they enter into a relationship. Whatever the issue is, whether this guy is shy or not, you're going to be miserable trying to figure him out.

In my opinion, if you spend more time trying to figure out a guy than you actually spend with him or talking to him, it's not a good situation and you should let it go. I would stop trying to figure it out, because dating and relationships have challenges but it really shouldn't be this hard initially. A guy who likes you will want you to know.


#17

[quote="cmscms, post:11, topic:231826"]
Also, no man would EVER cancel plans with a woman he likes unless there is an absolute emergency and then he would say 'Sorry, this came up can we do it tomorrow'

But to cancel instead of rescheduling means no interest on his part

CM

[/quote]

True, that's often the beginning of a sad realisation for me, being a man, that a woman is uninterested. Generally, I'd say it crosses the boundaries of traditional good manners (though it may not be "rude" as per modern etiquette which is satisfied so long as a bare facade of minimal courtesy is met) and I tend to understand such behaviour as follows: "if she's willing to leap into rudeness to avoid me, intentionally or by some passive resistance, then how could she be really interested in me?"

But I'd clear it up, albeit without setting hopes high. Such behaviour generally casts doubt on being a good prospect for a relationship. His being a shy person is a mitigating factor here, and/or he may be a socially awkward person as well.

[quote="Marie682, post:16, topic:231826"]
A guy who likes you will want you to know.

[/quote]

OOT but you, women, can be sooo oblivious sometimes. ;)


#18

I truly appreciate everyone's replies. I appreciate the outside opinions and Christian perspective on the issue. :)

Thank you


#19

[quote="Trumpetina, post:14, topic:231826"]
I do know what you mean. In my defense, this whole situation caught me off guard, I was not looking for it, and it has completely knocked me on my bottom.. I am speechless, so much so, that I have to gone to an online forum for help and advice. This, in my view, is why it's a sad face situation (ha ha), rather than a happy one. I am so confused, and lost, it hurts, with all these mixed signals and not knowing/understanding my role and what is/is not appropriate as a female.

[/quote]

Just take it as it is, and not thinking that anything will change. Take him for a completed human being, not a project. Is this what you choose to be doing in a year, 5 years, 10 years? You said you do not want to be the initiator, well, project it all the way out - how would he ever propose to you or would you do that yourself?? And would he then allow you to be the head of the household and defer decision-making to you?? I mean, this sounds so hideous to me. People who are that painfully shy or just passive should not be considered as attractive dating material. Chances are good that he would leave most if not all the decision-making to you and then he could blame you for any failures while also leaving himself an out or an escape hatch because you are "too assertive."

And not to be critical, but if it were me, I'd be thinking very hard about why I would ever be attracted to such a person in the first place.


#20

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:19, topic:231826"]

And not to be critical, but if it were me, I'd be thinking very hard about why I would ever be attracted to such a person in the first place.

[/quote]

Initially, and how we started to get to know each other, is because we both share in a rather unique hobby/interest. The hobby is visible, which is why we noticed each other, or else I would have never approached someone this shy. After I initially talked to him, which consisted of "hey, I noticed you are into our strange hobby" he met me in the same place everyday. I would try to avoid him when I would get frustrated with his shyness, and he would come find me, ha ha. When we are together, he does great most of the time, and is very talkative. Lots of eye contact, I feel like the only woman in the world, he is smart, funny, and sweet. Then he disappears. And he has never "broken plans", I misworded that, more like, doesn't follow through. I have been the one to cancel, but he will say he will do something and never does it, always leaving me hanging and wondering.

It has been exhausting, to say the least, to keep putting myself out there. I am definitely not made of self confidence. So, I guess I either need to confront him, and say, "hey this hurts when you blow me off" OR, just move on.

Oh, and to clarify, I would get frustrated with his shyness when I would say, "hey lets go get coffee!" or something to the like and he wouldn't respond. I generally sent this through a Facebook message and not in person, because, again, I am a little shy too.


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