This is a copy from a post I originally put in the thread about a 4th grader who “changed genders” over winter break. I am not trying to “spam” but upon further review, thought it would be better if I put my post here rather than “hijack” an existing thread. Also, I think my post fits here better.
I struggle with gender issues too
That thread really hit close to home, not because I have a child that struggles with this issue, but because I often feel like I was born in the wrong gendered body myself. I even went so far as to change the name on my driver’s license to a man’s name (something I have yet to reverse and it causes all kinds of trouble when people want to see my photo ID) and thought about getting gender reassignment surgery (usually the testosterone hormone treatments come before any actual surgery though).
During the time I considered making the change, I was for the most part far away from God (though I did get the idea from a very liberal “gay is ok” type Methodist church and even met someone who went though the “gender-reassignment” procedures and though born a female now lives as a male).
For one time in my life, procrastination worked in my favor and the more I thought about (maybe unintentionally prayed about it), the more I knew it would be mutilation to go through with the procedure (even the hormones could shorten my life since this female body was not built to be infused with an “overload” of testosterone). Much of my confusion I suspect comes from too much testosterone already being in my system.
There are still many people who still call me “Rick” or “Ricky” at my own request though I am trying to restore my name given to me at birth “Rosadel”. I feel most comfortable wearing men’s clothes and having a man’s haircut (not just short, but I mean a fully “masculine” haircut, though not a buzz cut since those never did look good on me), I am trying to let my hair grow out. It seems that as I pass my mid 30’s (I will be 37 July 5), my hair grows much more slowly. I even started a thread asking for help to make myself over to look more feminine.
As helpful and supportive as the advice given to me by many nice women on the board is, I look at those replies and my heart and mind rebel along the lines of “Yuck, I don’t want to get anywhere near that girly stuff!!”. I did not include that in my replies to that thread since I specifically asked for help to be more feminine. For some reason, I never did get past my “tomboy” stage and to be perfectly honest, still do not feel like leaving it. I did live the lesbian lifestyle for a few years, but I can easily live without a partner (except for one thoughtless double mortal sin special of a relationship I have lived a virginal life…though I do get tempted by lustful thoughts often).
I am bringing some metaphorical marshmallows along since I may get toasted in flames for this post, but I am serious and do struggle with this issue. Even as I leave the library and head for home (I do have to be at work tonight at 9 pm, this would be like someone with the “normal” 9 to 5 schedule staying up until 1 am or later since I still have to get home) I feel tempted to get my hair chopped off to a very masculine style.
This inner conflict fuels my rebellious thoughts about the priesthood of the Catholic Church being male only. All in all, I need many prayers and lots of help. I want to be in union with the Holy Father and Rome, and not be enslaved to my own sinful nature. These temptations make it rough though and it seems they are coming on like gangbusters since I am even thinking seriously about taking steps towards the feminine.