Hello; I have a rather long and challenging post. Hopefully most of you would give this post the time of day, because I know, I probably wouldn’t….
I suppose, well, rather, I am not a nice person. Each day I live, I think I become meaner and angrier; at least I’m told that. I am on the verge of loosing my fiancée, which is the most important thing in my life. I know the solution is going to be “talk to someone in person,” but frankly, I don’t want to. I would rather work on this myself, in anonymity.
See, I’ve tried to be that nice Catholic person, but I was walked all over and now I’m back to where I started. I feel in a way, God designed me this way, to be the person I am, which is not that nice person. However, people tell me otherwise. I don’t feel myself when I’m being nice for no reason.
Here are the things I am. For each thing I am, someone close to me has already told me I am that, which means I do show it a lot.
• I’m very prejudice. I take the “I don’t like you, until I know you the approach” for everyone I met, this combines with the next thing about me
• I don’t trust anyone but myself and fiancée
• I’m racist, but I don’t think I am. I have a few African-American friends, I have a Koren friend. However, I hate “gangsters,” this includes anyone who walks, talks, or acts that way. Because most gangsters are African-American, I suppose this is why people think I’m racist…
• I am a conservative and would fight to the death to protect the traditional American values. I want public services gone, I want welfare gone, I want WIC gone, I want us to kill those terrorists that want me dead. I think we should relay on the churches and public services to aid those in need – which I have no problem donating my own money to. I’m the type that let’s politics break up a friendship, and it’s happening to me and my fiancée.
• I have a hard time forgiving. Basically, I think that if you have burned your bridges with me, I am going to be the one to make sure they crumble if you ever come back to me for something.
• I’m never in a good mood. I’m always angry about something.
What really hit me though today, was that someone I know was talking of someone. He said that this guy would put you down any chance he could get to elevate himself. I replied “Wow, what a ‘butt’.” However, I knew who that person sounded like. It sounded like myself (even though we were talking about someone else). I put everyone around me down.
Well, I guess I have summed myself up pretty well. What I am asking for is for some help and advice. I would like to change. I have tried to change a few times, but it never lasts. I know most of you have probably not come to a conclusion about me, however, if this was you, I would have replied with a not so nice message. So I sincerely thank you for your kindness in this matter.
What do you suggest I do to make myself that “nice” person – and feel like that is who I was meant to be, not someone I am pretending to me? Don’t mind asking me about my views and whatnot; I would really like people to understand how far deep I am in this “anger” I am.