Help in early marriage from family


#1

How common is it to need help in the first years of marriage from family or friends? Hubby and I have had a rough few years already- between job loss, moves, cars breaking down, etc. It seems like we’ve already received so much help from family and I’m feeling so guilty for this. We work hard and it seems like we’ll never reach a point where we can put something, anything, in savings.


#2

The economy is terrible right now and many, many people are struggling and young people trying to get on their feet are doing so at a time of the worst recession since the Great Depression. This is to put your experience in some historical perspective. Even the most well-intentioned, hard working young married couple would most likely be encountering similar issues right now.

I think, be thankful that you have supportive family and friends. As long as you are not taking advantage of others and reciprocating in any way you can, making sure to let them know how grateful you are for their help then I think this is a period of understandable struggle. Wages have been stagnant and depreciating in value in the US for at least 20 years. Since the credit bubble burst in 2008 people are faced with the reality of how much their wages are really worth without the cushion of credit card of other easy credit (debt). The reality is it is very hard right now. You are working hard and have a loving family, stay out of debt and hopefully you will be able to start saving in the near future.

God bless you and your husband.


#3

Very common! Don’t sweat it! :slight_smile: Some are given a house deposit, some a car, some have grandma babysitting while the wife works, some get college debts paid, others get handouts for an emergency.

As a parent myself, with grown up kids, I can see the time coming when they will need help with their starting out. I’m sure they would like to be independent, and I would like to not have this extra expense, but it’s going to be necessary. I can understand your concern as it goes on longer than you expected or wanted, but don’t feel shamed by that. You are doing your best, and it’s not just for you, it’s for your children, and your parents’ grandchildren.

Also, you might want to be a little bit open with your family about this. Not just “I feel really bad accepting this”, but have a talk about where you are financially and your plans for getting on top (in a broad sense, not the details), and your family will probably want to give you some sense of how much they can contribute, and for how long. You may resent this intrusion in your affairs, but if they are making significant contributions then it is fair, and they will probably respect your privacy and only go as far as getting some sense of a plan.

My own experience - we struggled for years, and received a lot of assistance from my family. It didn’t bother me, because I knew I was doing my best, but it did bother my ex-wife. However, she was never one to cut back spending in order to be indepedent. :(…


#4

Don’t feel like the Lone Ranger, “Blenderx”

We had a lot of “help,” even when we didn’t really need or want it, in our early married years. Things have a way of evening themselves out over time… now, we’re “helping out” our children. Look at what your family is doing for you as “paying it forward.” When the time comes, maybe you’ll be able to help your children, just like your family (or families) offer help to you. Just accept it as graciously as you can, and be certain to show them that you appreciate the assistance.

I look at the “help” we offer as a welcome gift that I’m able to give our grandkids, who otherwise might have to “do without” some basics.


#5

These are exceptionally difficult times because no one knows what is happening with the economy. If you have family that is there for you, let them know you love them. Make a pasta dinner and invite them over. Throw some hot dogs on the grill. Include them. Everyone needs a support system but some don’t have family that cares. Be happy you are blessed.

It isn’t how much you make, it is how much you keep. Shop flea markets and thrift stores. You’ll be surprised at what stuff you can find. Use the library for movies and books. Wash clothes after 8PM cause it is cheaper to run electricity.


#6

We have received help - just remember to pick a good nursing home for them when it comes to be your turn to help them - LOL :stuck_out_tongue:


#7

Helping out young couples has likely gone on since time immemorial!

These are scary, difficult days, and many people - newlyweds and others - are being helped financially by family members. In my mind, helping each other is what family is all about.

You are working hard; let the people who love you help. Your turn to give back will come. In the meantime, show your love and appreciation in whatever ways you can.


#8

We have had help too. When we were first married, my husband and I were living in a 1 bedroom apartment but it got to the point that we couldn’t afford to pay the rent on it, etc. The other bills kept going up as well as our credit card debt. As a result, we decided to move in to a 2 bedroom town home apartment with my brother. He needed to get out of my parent’s house but his job did not pay enough for him to live on his own, so we decided to live in the same place and split the costs. Then, disaster struck last year when my husband had to be hospitalized twice. We are still trying to pay those medical bills on top of everything else.

Currently, my husband will need surgery but part of it is not covered by our insurance company and we might have to try to find the money ourselves. This will entail borrowing money from our families and both of us feel very bad about that. We don’t want to look like charity cases :(. I am also afraid to ask my other brother for help. I know he and his wife are well off but I don’t want to impose on him nor make it look like that we are only asking him for help because he has a bit more money than us. It is such a terrible dilemma.

Another thing that is going on is that grown children are still living at home because the jobs that are mostly available don’t pay enough to live on one’s own. Combine that with this bad economy and what you get are a lot of people who can’t just live independently. Perhaps this is teaching us that we can’t live in little bubbles. We have to help each other.


#9

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