Help in my marriage


#1

Hi everyone, I am asking for advice or any type of consolation in for the problems I am having. For those of you who do not know my situation, my wife and i have been thru a very difficult situation and there is still some animosity on behalf of my wife. She feels completely abandonded in our marriage and feels that she can not trust any man any longer. During the first 3 years of our marriage, I have been selfish, egotistical, i have humiliated her and have not treated her as my wife. I have dissapointed my wife many times and now she can not have the confidence and trust to know that I will be a new man with God’s help. Before, I did not see that it was selfishness and my ego that kept my enslave to my own sins. I have lived a very difficult childhood, with experiencing the divorce of my parents, being abused physically and being put down emotionally by my step father, feeling worthless growing up in my life and passing on my feeling of guilt and despair to the woman I love. I have attempted to commit suicide many times because of the way that I feel, worthless and a failure. I feel alone at time especially since I feel that I have wronged my wife so badly and have destroyed her mentally and emotionally, along with my children. She has told me that she can not love me any longer. That she has tried to be near me and try to show fondness toward me, but she can’t. She feels that there is something that pushes her away from me. I asked her for us to seek a marriage counselor, or go thru a marriage retreat but she refuses to go. She feels that things between us are done with. She only wants me to look after our kids and give them love. She feels mentally exhausted by trying to help me over come my feelings of worthlessness, but she has told me that she is becoming exhausted and can not take any more of this. I told her that I am trying to change the way that I am with my kids, because before I would be very unpatient with them. I realized that I do not want my life to become theirs. I want them to have a father and for them to know that they will have someone that is always there and will never hurt or abandon them. I have changed a lot with them and my wife. But she thinks that I am a different person when she leaves. Our oldest is 6, middle child is 4 and youngest is 3 and I really want to give them a different life than what I have gone thru. I dont want to be my step father, but I feel that I have been completely destroyed from my childhood. I still feel worthless at time and feel that I cant do anything right. Every time something happens between my wife and I, I feel the same way and those dark thoughts of suicide, feeling alone and in dispair try to take me over. My wife feels that things are too late for us. She wants to help me over come my depression and she told me that she has promised God that she will do this, and when I have over come this she will be a full christian once again. We use to go to church together and were very active in church, but once we moved to Arizona, all this stopped and we parted from the church. Although she still prays and acknowledges God in things that she does, she has not attended mass or gone to confession in a very long time. I have prayed to God many times and asked Him that if He does not want us to be married any longer to end my marriage, but if He does not want this to happen to show us the means to keep us united and have love rekindled once again. Sorry for writting a book here, but i really needed to tell someone, because I feel depressed right now.


#2

I can see why.

The thoughts of suicide are a strong indication that you need to see a doctor, and that you need medical attention. Depression causes all kinds of illusions – taking what people say far more seriously than they meant it.
As your wife says she wants to see you through this, as a “christian”, believe her.

You have nothing to loose by seeing a psychologist, or far better a Catholic psychiatrist and that is the first place to start. Medications have a bad name publicly, but legally they do not affect things the way people often think they do and in reality, they save more than just lives – they bring hope back when the body has quit.

From your description, your wife is nearing the exhastion point as well.
You don’t have to put her through that, or the aftermath of a suicide. If you feel worthless, there is nothing to loose by trying the medical approach.

God bless you and grant you sunny days again.


#3

Even though she will not do marriage counseling right now, are you seeking individual counseling to heal the hurts from your past? All the love in the world from a spouse will not help you deal with your past issues. Work on those and she may be inspired to work with you once she sees you making improvments and efforts. And whether it helps your marriage or not, you deserve to be free of your childhood traumas.

Second the advice to see a doctor, too. Can never hurt.


#4

I understand what you are all telling me as far as the suicide is concerned. I have really fought against this. I dont want to hurt myself. I just have those thoughts reoccur when ever something wrong happens. I feel that it is my fault and I feel as if I have failed. My wife has told me repeatedly that she does not love me anymore. I have told her that love is a choice, and she tells me that she does not choose to love me at this time. I feel very bad abour everything that has happened with her, that I feel at time that I can not bear it.


#5

I dont want to hurt myself. I just have those thoughts reoccur when ever something wrong happens. I feel that it is my fault and I feel as if I have failed.

And that alone, even without the attempt at really committing suicide is enough – I have been there. It was the wake up call for me to do something about it – my mind said one thing, and the feelings another thing. I feel so much better now, I can’t tell you what a grace from God medical help has been. I am also without insurance at the moment – the Government seems to have trouble believing that a white caucasion citizen with a birth certificate to prove it, is really a U.S. Citizen – but hey, the medication is really inexpensive.

May god grant you sunny days again.


#6

I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart that you are going through this…

I also suffered depression and thought about suicide at one point but the Lord really helped me through it. If it wasn’t for His influence I would have done it. He showed me how selfish it would have been to do so. Depression really messes with your mind.

from personal and professional experience:

PLEASE seek counseling…I know several other posters already told you to do so. Maybe with learning how to deal with your guilt and other issues your behavior will indeed change and show your wife she can truly trust you! I can’t imagine what your wife has gone through but life is full of second chances and if you are truly repentant then I really wish the best for both of you.

If she sees how well you take to counseling she might actually reconsider it herself!

May the Lord bless you and keep you


#7

My heart aches and breaks for you.I am praying that you find brighter days. Depression is a thief: it robs you of your life. Please seek professional help and God bless you!


#8

I suggest some time in peaceful meditation with nature. Go hiking. Spend some time outside, away from modern distractions. Find somewhere you you truly feel at peace and then invite your wife to come along.

Other than this, I second the suggestions of the previous posters.
Good luck working things out.


#9

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