Help! Is there anything or anyone who can help!


#1

I am one of those people who married someone because I was insecure and didn’t think I would get another opportunity. I thought I was kind of in love though, because when I thought about his good points, I started to feel like there could be chemistry. The man I married is a very good man. He is catholic, we were married in the Catholic church, and he doesn’t abuse me. The problem is, I was never very sexually attracted to him. He isn’t ugly, but we don’t have very good chemistry sexually. I know what the church teaches, and am actually really confused by the post. Now here is the strange part. We have been married for 19 years. Some of those years have been good, but sometimes I feel hopeless.
I feel like other people have marraige problems, but mine is somehow different. I have heard that in other cultures, where there is arranged marraiges, there are less divorces, and sometimes it helps me to look at my situation like that. It does help if I focus on just being a good wife, and doing what I need to get him to heaven. And also, that love isn’t always a feeling, but should it feel this bad. I have a lot of guilt over what I did .


#2

You're in my prayers. :gopray:

I strongly suggest that you talk with a very good priest about this dilemma. Pray hard.


#3

[quote="Rita_De_C, post:1, topic:182985"]

I feel like other people have marraige problems, but mine is somehow different. I have heard that in other cultures, where there is arranged marraiges, there are less divorces, and sometimes it helps me to look at my situation like that. ** It does help if I focus on just being a good wife, and doing what I need to get him to heaven. And also, that love isn't always a feeling**, but should it feel this bad. I have a lot of guilt over what I did .

[/quote]

As far as if it should feel this bad or not, that's not really an answerable question. It just is what it is at this point, you know? I think you already know some of the best ways to deal with this, as you mentioned in the last lines of your post.

Here are two old CAF threads that I was on within the last year, I think you might find them helpful.

My marriage: disillusioned from day one

How important is attraction?


#4

I can’t claim to understand perfectly, I am only 25 and still single, but my mom went through exactly what you are going through. She stayed with him. She told me that she always asked herself, “am I better off with him, or without him?” and she would always come to the conclusion that being with him gave her companionship, security, a purpose for each day, and fulfillment in raising kids with him. You might feel now like breaking free of this marriage would make you happy, but being adrift and alone will not solve your problems. Just having someone to talk to at the end of each day and someone to go to church with can make it worth it. Even if you left and found someone you love, science and experience have proven that “in love” feelings only last about 1 year or 2 at most, so it seems like many marriages end in a “friendship” anyway.

You might also think about this: my sister married for love and was divorced within 4 months. The guy couldn’t hold a job and became physically and emotionally abusive. Love had blinded her to all of this. Love actually can make you pretty stupid sometimes - the fact that you are free of it means that you can actually guide your life with reason and morals!

I’m really sorry you feel bad about your marriage and I wish you could feel better. Having good girlfriends to vent to would probably help - go on spa days, watch tv together … get intimacy with them and then you won’t feel like you need it from your husband.

Good luck - let us know how it all goes!


#5

your feelings doubts and regrets are understandable, but you are married, and will be married as long as you both live. My advice would be the same for anyone 19 years who has doubts, mixed feelings and regrets: love your spouse actively in every way you can. Do loving actions without expecting thanks or appreciation, just do them in patience and love, not grudgingly. Say loving kind words and bite your tongue before you nag, belittle or criticize. do the little things that please him and make every effort to give yourself willingly and lovingly for the marital embrace. This takes practice like any other physical exercise, is necessary for marital health, and becomes easier and more enjoyable with practice. Keep your facial expression and appearance pleasant. Never, never speak negatively about your spouse to any other person, especially girl friends, relatives and of course your children. Work on your own spiritual and psychological health and growth. Change in your self what needs to be changed. Most of all get down on your knees and thank God every day for your spouse and your marriage, blessings many people cry for and will never know.

I can be glib with this advice because someone who loves me told me something similar years ago when I needed to hear it.

forgot to add the most important thing--pray for your spouse every day, morning and evening.


#6

[quote="Rita_De_C, post:1, topic:182985"]
I have a lot of guilt over what I did .

[/quote]

I'm not sure what you mean? Marrying because of insecurity?:confused:


#7

[quote="Rita_De_C, post:1, topic:182985"]
... I was kind of in love though... The man I married is a very good man.... we don't have very good chemistry sexually.

[/quote]

Pardon the ignorance of a young, single, guy, but how does it work to be in love with and married to someone and not be able to enjoy having sex with them (not have good "sexual chemistry")?


#8

[quote="iamrefreshed, post:6, topic:182985"]
I'm not sure what you mean? Marrying because of insecurity?:confused:

[/quote]

Well, I had a deep fear that I would never be married, and that no one would ever love me. I wanted to be married. A good guy came along, and I gave it a shot. I began to have some feelings for him, and I thought it could work and actually grow. It did a little bit, but never enough make me feel secure.


#9

That actually leads me to believe that you’d be insecure no matter who you married. It really isn’t an issue with your husband but an issue with you. Weither its deeper issues or just lack of giving yourself there are issues here. Perhaps its that your husband has not loved you in a way that really makes you feel loved. Start with “5 love languages” and see if that helps. If it dosn’t move on to other outlets like a good catholic therapist.


#10

You said love started to grow but stopped there. Are you saying that you stopped feeling any love for him at all or that you love for him only grew so far.

(1) Don't mistake the hollywood version of love for the real thing. Real love isn't always happiness and fireworks. I'm not married but I know several couples that struggle every day and they married for love.

(2) You have a good man. Don't throw him away because frankly there aren't many out there or they are extremely hard to find.

(3) Having once been a very insecure person I think this may be a lot of your problem. You have to find it within yourself to be happy. You can't lay that burden on someone else. It's not fair and not realistic. I would work on yourself first taking small steps and look at the positives of what you have. Maybe find some activity or group and do something you enjoy. :thumbsup:


#11

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