Help! Marital problem!


#1

I have been married for twelve years and have two wonderful boys 3 and 8. My husband and I agreed on 2 children before we got married. I recently found out I am pregnant. I was taking synthroid at the same time as my birth control pill (which was prescribed because of cysts) and it cancelled it out. I am 3 months pregnant. my husband is very angry, wants nothing to do with the baby, told me to have an abortion (which I refused) and is making my life miserable. Our happy family is destroyed because he can’t get past it and rejoice in another life. I don’t know what to do, I tried to get his parents on board with me but that is an entirely different story. We are married but not. He won’t go to counseling. He is a good father to my two boys, but I am worried what he is going to be like with the baby. We both have good jobs, financially secure, but he’s mad because he said I ruined his life. Is it possible to get an annullment because of his attitude toward his third child? I need help.


#2

If worst comes to worst, you’ll have to bear a heavy cross. But fear not; the Lord is with you. Entrust yourself and your unborn baby to Our Lady. If God wills it, he will take the child away to heaven. If he wills it, he will let you keep your child. Trust in God and pray to Mary a lot. And patiently bear the cross Jesus has given you.

Edit: Be sure to go to a priest and tell him your situation, and ask him if an annulment is needed. And be sure to heed his words.


#3

You need to talk to your priest.

Putting a pre-condition on the marriage such as he did could be grounds for nullity. The details would have to be investigated. Also, divorce would have to precede a nullity investigation.

I hope you will be able to work it out and not divorce. Divorce is bad for everyone. If he won’t go to counseling, you need to go to counseling for yourself.

I don’t understand what you mean by “married but not.”

Regarding your pregnancy, **please **find the nearest Crisis Pregnancy Center in your local phone book and make an appointment. CPCs aren’t just for unwed mothers. There are MANY women who have similar situations as yours with a husband who wants to coerce an abortion. Please get support and help from your local crisis pregnancy center. They are there to help.

Stand firm in your love of your third child, the baby is innocent as are you. There is ALWAYS the possibility of pregnancy in any marriage when two people are having sexual relations. I am sorry your husband is not welcoming this child and being so terrible to you.


#4

First off–congratulations! :slight_smile: You have a beautiful, new life inside of you and that is a really wonderful thing! :slight_smile:

I’m so sorry your husband is having such a negative reaction to your pregnancy–that must be so hard to deal with–especially right now when you really need his support. I’m so glad that for you abortion is out of the question–way to go, mommy! :thumbsup:

Here’s how I see it:

You both decided on a set number of kids and you both tried to have only two. God had other plans. As a Catholic, you’ve got to go with God’s plan when it involves a new unexpected addition to the family.

Your husband is either going to have to accept that and deal with it (is he Catholic or Christian by the way?–because I think it shouldn’t be too hard to show him how wrong abortion is) or he may choose to end your marriage over it. If he does choose to destroy your marriage, and he never told you how he would want you to choose abortion over more children, then, yes, I think you might be able to get your marriage annulled.

Again, I’m so sorry for the way your husband is choosing to react to your wonderful news. You’ll need a lot of support in the months to come and I hope you join the Pregnant Mommies thread–there’s lots of great women who will help you through this! :thumbsup:

Praying for you!

kevinsgirl


#5

I am very sorry to hear of your situation!

I think that prayer will be key. Rosaries, a novena, petitioning the prayers of saints, (St. Monica, St. Rita, Blessed Mother Theresa, and even John Paul II ( not anything official yet, but he can pray!) ) will be a powerful tool! It will also enable you to retain love and serenity in the midst of everything. God is close to the brokenhearted, remember this when you feel frightened. You recognize that this little life is from Him, and He knew what the situation would be. He will be with you at every moment, take this as an oppurtunity to trust Him like you never have before.

I will pray also. I will include prayer that your husband will not only come to accept this baby, but that he will become absolutely smitten with him or her! And I pray for you right now, that your marriage will survive and become better because of this baby.

God Bless you, dear,

Peace,
Kelly


#6

Hello, congratulations on your new baby.

I’m sorry that you are facing difficulties with your husband.

Someone had mentioned going to a crisis pregnancy center, I agree. I think I would take it a step further…do you have somewhere safe to stay with your sons? He can’t demand that you have an abortion, or make you choose between your child or him.

What he is doing is mentally abusive.

Do you have sonogram pictures of your sons that you can show him…or of your new baby? If you can speak to him in a calm manner, I would show them to him and tell him plainly that these are your children (and his) and you will not do anything to harm them. A man is supposed to take care of his children and wife, not allow them to be harmed.


#7

Esterina,

I am so sorry that your husband is being hateful toward you and the new life within you. I second those who said to speak in depth with your priest and seek out your local crisis pregnancy center. I would be concerned for the baby’s safety, if not physically (has he ever been physically abusive?), then certainly mentally and emotionally. No child should have to live in a home where he is unwanted and unloved by either parent.

I will pray to our Blessed Mother for you, and for the tiny life you carry. God be with you, sister.

mary


#8

That is wrong of your husband to do that. His own child! Doesn’t he remember what it was like when you were pregnant with the boys?

I’ll be praying for your situation. Definitely talk to your priest and go to your local CPC. I pray he’ll change his attitude.


#9

When I say we are married but not, I mean he won’t talk to me, discuss our marriage etc. He has never been abusive and he is the best father to my other two, I don’t understand it. Thank you for the supportive responses. I just don’t understand why he keeps saying his life is ruined. We aren’t in financial trouble at all, he has all of this
money and he acts like we don’t have any. His parents are the same way always crying “poor” when they have hundreds of thousands of dollars. Just to add, they are a Catholic family, very Catholic. When I told his mother I was pregnant you would have thought I said the kids and I were in a car wreck. And she lost a daughter, my husband’s sister, to cancer, you would think they would be so excited to have more than 2 grandkids! I would do anything to bring back the happy family we had, but I will never, never, never get an abortion. How could I stay married to someone that would even ask me to do that? I don’t even recognize him, he is not the person I thought I married.


#10

I have read many posts on these forums–the vast majority of them from women finding themselves unexpectedly pregnant and distraught. But I have to say I am stunned to read that any man could look his wife and the mother of his two children in the face and tell her to abort a baby~even if not perfectly planned~absent the most dire of circumstances (i.e. living in a war zone under constant fire and starvation conditions).

Our third child was not a planned pregnancy. I was more than a little surprised and spent some time feeling overwhelmed and yes, even resentful. But as with all of us moms, we come around and realize the gift that these “unplanned” babes are and often a gift of something more than just the beautiful child…a life lesson in humility, patience and often the something more that you didn’t even know you needed at that time in your life, but God knew. That said…my husband was wonderful. He was Mr. Cheerleader from the word Go. The mere suggestion of doubt or tears in my eyes and he was full of reassurance that everything would be fine and never betrayed a moment’s doubt or bit of anxiety–though I know it was probably there.

Long way of saying, I think the OP’s husband needs some help. This is just not a normal way of reacting to this news given that they are not in crisis mode. Healthy men don’t destroy or abandon their own–they fight harder, work longer to do what it takes to support them. I’m very sorry for the OP and what she is going through. I pray she does not cave to his demands, because the temporary peace she buys will come at a very high price…she will never forgive herself and will come to hate him for putting her in that position. Prayers for you, dear one, and your precious baby.


#11

Tell your husband to stop being angery, it is the devil making him sin! Tell him to say this prayer: O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen."

And if you feel any fear read Psalm 91 Hun :wink: The following is a simple exorcism prayer that can be said by priests or laity. The term “exorcism” does NOT always denote a solemn exorcism involving a person possessed by the devil. In general, the term denotes prayers to “curb the power of the devil and prevent him from doing harm.” As St. Peter had written in Holy Scripture, “your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, goeth about seeking whom he may devour.” (1 St. Peter 5,8)

Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel


#12

If his mom is also all for abortion, I’d simply say, “Catholics do not get abortions.” If they pride themselves on being very Catholic, I think it’s a good idea to get a priest involved. It seems your husband wants to get his child’s existence swept under the rug–maybe some exposure would be a good thing. Bring in some real Catholic input…:thumbsup:

And don’t let your husband make you think even for a second that this baby is ruining your happy family of the past. Your husband is the one ruining that family…not your baby.

I know I wouldn’t be able to stay married to a man who asked me to kill our child…I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. :hug1:


#13

Oh, goodness, this is so sad. Like the other posters…I can’t even imagine a man being that way towards his own unborn child! It is horrible how our culture’s anti-life attitudes have seeped into even Catholic families.

Prayers for you. Stay strong in the Lord. You love your baby and your baby will love you…I pray that the Lord will soften your husband’s hard heart toward his child.


#14

** I am 3 months pregnant. my husband is very angry, wants nothing to do with the baby, told me to have an abortion (which I refused) and is making my life miserable. Our happy family is destroyed because he can’t get past it and rejoice in another life. **

If you’re three months pregnant already, it’s too late to get an abortion, since you have entered your second trimester. Isn’t it almost impossible to get an abortion by that time? You should be feeling your baby move any time soon, especially if this isn’t your first. Have you pointed that out to your dh?

Your husband needs to realize that God’s plans have very obviously over-ruled yours, and that you are meant to have a third child together. Your husband still has time to come around over the next several months. Besides, this is partially his fault, since he did have something to do with it. You didn’t try to trick him, after all.

Quite frankly, he sounds like a child pouting in the corner because he didn’t get his own way. Ask him if he’s willing to pay for two households, including child support and alimony, since it seems like you’re headed towards divorce. Point out to him that will be much more expensive than accepting a new child in your lives. Maybe he needs that kind of reality check.

Hopefully, in the end, he will come around, especially once the baby is born.


#15

If she’s in the US, sadly, it’s not too late to procure an abortion. You can have one until the day the baby is born:(


#16

Are you sure about this? Any sources?


#17

All American Life League, Feminists for Life, etc.

States can have laws restricting abortion. However, second and even third trimester abortions are perfectly legal in some states (NY and CT are the ones I’m thinking of). That’s one reason why women will travel to have abortions, if they’re not underage girls. NY actually has “safe havens” for women traveling to have a second trimester abortion.

As long as it affects the mother’s life or health (and it’s very vague, includes finances, social life, psychological state, the presence or absence of even the slightest trauma, etc.)

Roe v. Wade permitted for abortion at any stage, but states could still have restrictive laws. Maybe the laws in Canada are different and UK laws have the 24 week limit, but US has no limit. One state may, one state may not. Many people think that abortion is only allowed for the first three months, but it isn’t.


#18

Why do you think we had all that Supreme Court drama over late term abortions? Those are abortions done after twenty weeks. Unfortunately, only partial-birth abortions were banned (and that’s still under challege, right?). They can still do saline and others.

See this page from California Planned Parenthood. Title: Abortion after the First Trimester
ppacca.org/site/pp.asp?c=kuJYJeO4F&b=139486


#19

Yessiree…without getting too far off topic, here’s where we are in the People’s Republic of Washington:

[size=2]*Initiative 120 (Reproductive Privacy Act) was passed by a vote of the people in November 1991 and was subsequently adopted into the Revised Code of Washington, sections 9.02. *

The purpose of I-120 was to place the standards of the Supreme Court decision, Roe vs Wade, into state law, so that if Roe vs Wade was overturned, women in Washington would continue to have the same rights and protections.

The essence of the Reproductive Privacy Act is section RCW 9.02.110 below which states, “The state may not deny or interfere with a woman’s right to choose to have an abortion prior to viability of the fetus, or to protect her life or health.”

In case anyone’s still confused, late term abortions are readily available here and there are NO restrictions whatsoever once you cross the border to our neighbor to the north, Canada.
[/size]


#20

I’ve never been in this situation with a spouse but I have been it with my mother. My mother told me to get an abortion when I was pregnant with our third child, obviously I didn’t and now he is the grandson she adores.

I know it’s a very different situation with a husband than a parent, but I just wanted to tell you that things may improve…interestingly my Mum is also someone who also " cries poor" despite being comfortably off, maybe it’s a way of thinking.

Putting you in my prayers, you have all my sympathies for the very tough situation you are in.


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