Help me, I am under serious temptation

I lost my 23 year old daughter to suicide due to “thought cancer”, complex psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar. There is a woman, I know her name and I know where she now lives, who heavily contributed to my kid’s delusions and the progression of her illness. This woman did not suggest to my daughter that she talk to me when my daughter shared with her that she was going to take her life. I have hundreds of pages of dialogue/chat between them from 2007 to 2010. I took out a restraining order against this woman to keep her from corresponding to my daughter but the damage had been done. My daughter was convinced that “dabbling in the spirit world” had caused “irreparable damage” to her. Most seriously mentally ill people are totally unable to acknowledge their illness. She was not “possessed”. She wore a crucifix, she read the bible, she was raised to Love and Honor Jesus.

I am presently, after three years of intense spiritual struggle, three visits to sacred shrines in Europe in the last 17 months, finding myself in a place where I am being prompted to seek vengeance upon the woman who contributed to my daughter’s death. I won’t even kill a mosquito but here I am considering finding this woman. PLEASE HELP ME. Satan has been trying to derail me for three years. I have completely surrendered my life to God and I have a lifelong relationship with Him that is beyond belief and with so many experiences I could literally fill a book. HELP ME to fight this impulse. It is SO strong right now. Her death created of me a woman whose life means nothing, who has failed in the most important task God can give any woman, who is worthless, unworthy of love or respect. I have a Catholic therapist. I have a very well know psychiatrist. I am not mentally ill, I am changed. I am changed SO profoundly that I cannot recognize myself. I need prayer; I need intercession; I need the hearts and souls of those strong with God. I feel that my life is too long and that I can barely make it through another day and it’s been just over three years now. I am alone in this world. Without my kid, there is no one. Do you have any advice on how I can come against this vile desire to hurt this woman who is, herself, a victim of illness and circumstance? I could never actually DO it but it has become so strong I wonder if this is some sort of sin or perhaps a test.

I don’t know what to tell you except I am so sorry for your loss. I will definitely pray for you, but I know your daughter’s death was not your fault. Maybe you could somehow use your pain as a catalyst to help others. Maybe focus on the needs of others and help them, it might give you a little peace. Maybe ask God to help you pray for this other woman.
I will pray for peace for you.
Dear God grant this dear daughter of yours peace. Bless her and strengthen her.
Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. amen

Forgiveness…how to forgive something this big?

The only way to overcome this is with love. Pray for your enemy. Do good to those who have persecuted you. Forgive and you will be forgiveness. If we do not forgive, then neither will we be forgiven.

Also, look at a crucifix and see how much Christ suffered, though innocent, yet forgave his killers and torturers. He suffered for you and me, though we are guilty.

Here’s an article I found on forgiveness. It is probably designed for people with problems a lot lesser than your own, but if you can take even one thing from this list, it will have been worth it. If not, leave it for someone else on the forum who is also struggling with forgiveness.

wikihow.com/Forgive

Can you watch a movie on how much Christ suffered and forgave? Can you watch, “Ben Hur”? That’s a movie that touches on forgiveness, in part.

You need professional counseling to deal with this anger. I hope that you have a spiritual director as well. Suicide often does terrible things to the survivors. Again, please seek out the best professional counseling. There is no reason to let this anger ruin any more lives.

Oh yes, and offer up ALL these, your sufferings, for some greater purpose, so they will not be in vain.

I understand Perfectly the Torment you must be suffering…
It’s like a cancer eating away at you, Your whole mindset is focused on this person for intervening in your daughters life… for the damage caused to your whole world, your whole life… you have had your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on…
I have never Suffered your plight , but I have suffered the consequences that you suffer now
… if only there was a magical cure… a magic wand to relieve you of this suffering…
only the demise of this person will ease your pain… I had that at well…
Your seeking Professional Help…that in itself is good… but you want,and need more…
I found that just talking to people… to complete strangers helped…
if you are lucky enough to have a true friend, then just talk to them about everything…
but this can create a burden to the person you talk to…
I found complete strangers were good listeners and advisers …
if you want… p.m me,and just yell and scream how you feel…

I would try to remember that God created the three of you, suffered for you, and asked you to forgive one another. He loves your daughter more than you could ever love her, and her act can still bear even greater fruit for goodness if you cooperate with it. It may be your personal path to redemption. Pray for your daughter’s soul (God who is beyond time can apply it to her before her death, not to mention for her Purgatory); she is not necessarily lost.

While you are clear-headed, come up with a prudent plan for the darkest moments when the temptations come hardest. It might be posting here, calling a buddy, visiting the Blessed Sacrament at a 24-hour chapel. I suspect it will involve friends and family.

Pray for me and I will for you.

Praying for you.

Help is always near, for we are never, never alone.

I will pray for you and for your dearly beloved daughter, whom I am certain is before Christ’s throne of glory, ever interceding for you until you meet again in Heaven.

Please, do not do anything that your daughter would not approve of. Remember that she is in the Lord’s peace, now, and that she wants you to become the saint you are meant to be in order to attain heaven. I am certain that her prayers gain for you all the graces you will ever need, including the grace of final perseverance, as your courageous life of faith and virtue already show, but you must keep holding on to the hand of God.

Your anger is understandable. When my father was diagnosed with cancer and certain medical centers refused to treat him because of low income, I had all sorts of thoughts in my mind, and at night, feeling angry and unable to help, I plotted terrible revenges if my father were to die because of their lack of charity. Anger is something I know well.

But I also know it is entirely vain and useless. It is written: “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord”. I do not take my Lord’s sword, for He will punish rightfully everyone deserving punishment - beginning with myself.

I also came to realize that we are all human. We are miserable beings. We make mistakes. We don’t understand stuff. We mess up. When my best friend died in a scooter accident on the other side of the world, for years I felt guilty for not remaining in contact with him, for not being a better friend, for leaving him alone. We never understand the heart of those around us. So maybe this woman you now blame - perhaps even hate - is guilty of some things, or maybe you are at a moment in which your mind, so greatly hurt, is channeling hatred towards a target. Be careful, because this is a dangerous thing to do, to see someone as the enemy when in fact our only enemy is the devil. Be careful, because tomorrow you may end up blaming yourself with as much hatred and anger, and nobody knows what would you do.

Step away from hatred. Your daughter, who now only loves of the purest love and partakes of divine life, would not want you to hate anybody. She would not want you to blame anyone. She would instead want you to remember that which she herself treasured in her heart, the word of her beloved Lord and Savior Jesus, who said: this is the will of my Father: that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life, and I will raise them up in the last day.

Never forget Martha, broken-hearted, at the feet of Christ, screaming and crying: "if you had been here, my brother Lazarus would be alive! and Christ, also crying of sorrow, replied: “Your brother will rise again.” But Martha was still in pain, because in her mind, her brother was dead. She had not understood that God is not the God of the dead, but of the living. Christ addressed her with the solemnity worthy of God, and declared:

**I am the resurrection and the life.

Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live,

and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.**

God is not the god of the dead, but the God of the living. Your daughter lives. She echoes the words of Saint Paul: I live, or rather, Christ lives in me. The life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Now you, too, need to live.

Step out of darkness into light. Walk into the light of Christ, the light of your daughter’s eyes. Christ said: for a time I am gone, and you will seek for me but will not find me…why are you sad? If you loved me, you would rejoice, for I am going to the Father…but you will see me again, and on that day nobody will take your joy away

This is our faith. With this faith we traverse this valley of tears. Do not let anyone or anything - not a human being, not a demon, not your own hurt self - take this from you. This is your gate of heaven, your key unto eternity. She lives, and she is with a greater Father who once entrusted her beautiful pristine soul to your care, and He will take good care of her for a time, now, and you will see her again. I ask you in Christ: do you believe?

You are never alone. Please, talk to a priest. Tell him about these great struggles you face. Ask his blessing. Ask him to give you a phone number where you can reach him at any time, day or night. If you are in a crisis and need to talk to someone, there is a precious help, the National Crisis Hotline, where someone is always available to help at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) And we, too, are here, praying for you. But above all else, Christ is with you, and in Christ, your daughter. Just close your eyes, and in your heartbeats you will feel her smile. Hold on to that smile. Keep her smiling by your own virtue, by your courage, by overcoming all hurt in love.

Praying for you.

:gopray:

I will private message you.

Praying to Jesus through St. Padre Pio and St. Gemma Galgani for you. Stay close to God through prayer, fasting, rosary, holy water and Confession. Call your priest and therapist when things get rough.

My heart hurts for you. I’m praying.

Just remember the Lord on His Cross: Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.

I tried to post a reply to all of the answers given me but I don’t see it so allow me the chance to reiterate it.

I am astounded by the love, compassion, true empathy and caring in your answers. I was anticipating condemnation, being told I am in mortal sin, etc. Instead I fell into your open arms. You are all, truly, walking the talk of Christ.

I had a dream last night. I was young, 4 or 5, and climbed into the lap of the Blessed Mother. For comfort. Along came Jesus, a grown man but still not in his ministry I think. He was rough clothed, and had been at some sort of work. He knelt down in front of His mother and then held out His arms and I went to Him. He stood up and walked over to a tree. I know He was speaking to me but I remember not one word and it was not in English. In the tree were many birds, this was something important for me as birds have always been a sign God has used in my lifetime. Then He turned and went back to His Mother and put me back into her lap. I know now that this event is something I can relive over and over again with my memory of it and it gives me great comfort. Today I discarded, gave to God, any thought of any sort of vengeance: it just isn’t me and it isn’t what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Thank you brothers and sister. I hope this post appears…dunno what happened to the other one, but I’ve had a full day now to process it and it was especially intense at Mass this morning.

Beautiful, beautiful dream.
May God bless you, abundantly, and continue healing your heart.

may your darkness turn to light…and may you allow the light to shine upon you :slight_smile:
I recommend you watch Karol the Man who became Pope:
youtube.com/watch?v=z4bWX9zaFBI or read Victor Frankl’s Man’s search for meaning: worldtracker.org/media/library/Psychology/Man%27s%20Search%20For%20Meaning%20-%20Viktor%20E.%20Frankl.pdf

the challenge is always to forgive, to love and to believe again. May you allow yourself to become a saint along the way :slight_smile:

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

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