I’ve been attending Mass ever since I started RCIA (back in December 2004) and have been longing for Holy Communion ever since and I’ve been forcing myself to go to Mass no matter what! Now, it’s pure torture not being able to go up and recieve and I’ve been going up for the last 9 months and folding my arms as if I’m a corpse in a coffin and recieve a blessing from the priest…I have to say that even doing that is torture and everyone who sits up front look at me like I’m some crazy lunatic or something, how lovely! Unfortunetely, there are pews on both sides of the tabernacle (besides the main pews)and when I go up, yes, you can see their faces due to the postition of the pews being on left and right side so they can get a great look at whoever’s taking communion.
I finally can’t take it anymore…I’ve considered going to Mass a huge burden and an obligation (yet I’m not confirmed yet!)! I even leave work early to go on Saturday nights! I know this is terrible but I’ve done my thing long enough that I CAN’T (I repeat, CAN’T!) take this anymore. It’s pure torture and it hurts not to go up. I know this sounds so pity and pathetic but you guys don’t quite understand, or do you?:rolleyes:
I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed that this burden will be lifted but it doesn’t seem to be taken off me and I think even the priest is sick and tired of me going up there acting like a “dead corpse” and last Saturday when I went up, he didn’t do a thing, acted like I wasn’t there and I left Mass feeling worse than the worse. I finally was in enough spiritual agony so to speak that I finally made the worst prayer of my life: I said something like, “Lord, I can’t take this anymore and I don’t have the desire to go to Mass for awhile!” and ever since that, I’ve been struck with a terrible desire to leave the CC (that made it worse and a terrible thought came to mind: what if our Lord is kicking me out?) and who knows what to do, yet I still have a tiny, ity bity desire within me to keep on pursuing the CC but I cannot pursue that desire quite yet, not with the way I feel and all that.
I know you guys think I’m some kinda pathetic young lady who’s the most ignorant on Catholicism but I can’t keep this feeling in anymore! I’ve been kinda suffering with it for the last 8 or so months and I’m spitting it out right now to tell how much it actually hurts! I didn’t even want to go to RCIA Tuesday and I didn’t! What’s going on here? I pray but nothing’s working or whatever and I have the desire to give up! Heck, I have no desire to go to Mass this coming weekend…
You suggestions would really help!