Help needed


#1

I need help in my marriage we have a total break down in communication. My spouse wants out. I am at fault mostly. I have lied severl times and there is no more trust
Help!


#2

OK. First, believe this can work. If you set your mind that you will do what it takes, then you can save it. If either of you entertains the thought of escape, that actually reduces your ability to think creatively on how to make it work.

Now, I just today came up with some observations about heartfelt communications. It is very simple, and isn’t too original, but as a communications engineer as part of my trade and training, I look at it like a system that is broken and needs to be redesigned or reprogrammed.

First, know the difference between a thought and a feeling. One is something you can describe, explain, etc. The other is something beyond words, you can’t exactly describe it but through human empathy you can sort of help the person feel what you’re feeling.

The problem I see is that a message intended to go from heart to heart, gets blocked or distorted by various factors between the two hearts. God’s language is silence, so any communication directly between hearts doesn’t depend on actual words, but it is also true that words trigger empathatic reactions – and in fact that’s how they work. Word mean nothing of themselves. They are chosen by the talker to send a certain message, but somehow it gets corrupted by the time it gets to the other heart …

Basically it’s like this:

The heart has a message to go out to another heart, “I love you,” “you are beautiful,” “may I help you,” “you are funny.”

So the mind picks some way of conveying that message, often employing some sort of story that really isn’t important as the god given urge to share love from heart to heart. Then the mind employs the speec processors to turn it into speech, and then out the voice.

At the receviing end, ears hear the sound maybe a bit distorted, and with noise. It then goes to a speech processor to tell the mind what the words mean, and then immediately the heart starts to draw conclusions based on what hears from the brain

The biggest problem I see, is that any miscommunications or misalignments of the minds, result in different messages being interpreted at the receiver than what was intended. The heart figures out there is something wrong and puts up the shield. I am shutting you off.

So first, establish an agreement, no matter how it comes across, we agree that even if we seem like we are unloving, we aren’t. Start from your common point.

Once you establish that, lightly let yourself listen a little more intently, and trying to just listen, not think a million things a second while you’re trying to listen.

In my model, the brain to heart connection is probably the one we humans are worst at, so that’s what I’ve been trying to learn, through mystical theology and experience at dealing with all sorts of people on this forum.

I know I haven’t said much useful yet, but don’t fear. I’ve been at loggerheads before for no apparent reason. One manager I knew used to say, “we are in violent agreement.” The sides essentially agree, but each says it a little differently and can’t let go of it.

So what do you do? I’ll try to get back to that. I think I’ve typed enough for one post.

Thank you for starting the thread. If you can provide an example or two it might be helpful. you can say the words, or tell about the feelings, or both. You can make up something that makes the point but protects personal information, in case that would be helpful.

Peace is coming, I pray and believe,
Alan


#3

[quote="Desperate, post:1, topic:234585"]
I need help in my marriage we have a total break down in communication. My spouse wants out. I am at fault mostly. I have lied severl times and there is no more trust
Help!

[/quote]

Pray. Tell your husband your sorry for lying.


#4

[quote="valentino, post:3, topic:234585"]
Pray. Tell your husband your sorry for lying.

[/quote]

Gosh, you are right, but for some reason I went right past the obvious. :thumbsup:

I guess I'm still an engineer. If something doesn't work, I want to analyze every bit of it to find out where the breakdown is. If a technician sees something not working, first he check to see if it's plugged in and turned on. :p

Alan

PS hey, I just thought of something. What kind of lies are we talking here? Are we concealing sins, fear of upsetting him or riling him up, manipulating him, hiding his birthday present from him, what? Maybe we can help with some strategy on how to mentally prepare for whatever happens.

Lord, please help the OP and me, coming before you sinful and sorrowful, and ask that you hear our cry for You guidance. Lord, I don't know how to go from here, but I trust that your Holy Spirit will guide ua so that it will all be for Your good. We will do our best to be open to hear your voice, and not to drown it out with our own ideas. We come to you without any knowledge of what we need, and we ask you to open our minds and hearts that we may receive Your gifts through whatever or whomever they come. Please let this pain we're going through now be as labor pains when You open our eyes and renew our minds and spirits. Through Jesus Christ, Amen.


#5

**Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Amen. **


#6

Your admission of guilt is the first and most important step.
Follow this up with a good confession to your priest. Ask him to set up councilling for you - and possibly with your spouse as well.

Accept where your spouse is at this point. This is a very important step in this.
“Trust is gone”…It will take time to rebuild…you may even need to seperate for a time…
By accepting where your partner is and accepting the consequences of your sins, you show a renewed respect and willingness to submit.

There is little else that we can tell you since we don’t know the nature of your transgressions other than you lied…
We cannot tell you if your marriage is salvageable.
You need the services of a good confessor, a good councilor, the Holy Spirit to guide you into deeper humility, and most importantly you will need patience and accpetance.

May God grant you both the love and teh strength to see and act upon His Will in this.

Peace
James


#7

[quote="Desperate, post:1, topic:234585"]
I need help in my marriage we have a total break down in communication. My spouse wants out. I am at fault mostly. I have lied severl times and there is no more trust
Help!

[/quote]

Start out by admiting your own fault to her, do not not project a defense onto her/him, ask forforgiveness, mean it , the confessional is a good place to start in that direction.
Pay attention to the actual grace God is offering you. God guide you, Peace, Carlan


#8

If you have lied, it is a trust issue, and trust takes time and commitment to re-build. If you lie again during the time you are trying to re-build trust, you set yourself even further back.

Some people cannot manage to re-build trust after being lied to. You might see if your spouse is willing to go to a counselor. He or she can discuss the pain and betrayal and at least drain the infection inside. It will be up to you to help re-build the foundation of your marriage.


#9

[quote="Desperate, post:1, topic:234585"]
I need help in my marriage we have a total break down in communication. My spouse wants out. I am at fault mostly. I have lied severl times and there is no more trust
Help!

[/quote]

Good luck!


#10

First pray for forgiveness. Ask your husband for forgiveness too, see if you can start a conversation where he may listen to your requests to rebuild. Be sincere. You might want to visit a priest to ask for guidance and prayerful support.


#11

Get thee to a priest.
Get thee to your husband and apologize for lying.
Get thee to a marriage therapist.
Get thee into a self- sacrificing marriage where each partner cares for the other as if that person was Christ.
Get thee to God.

Amen.


#12

Why do I get the feeling this is a troll having a little April Fools Day fun?


#13

I don’t find any reason to assume that the OP is a troll…Therefore I will accept it as genuine.

What I do find interesting is the apparent assumption that the OP is female, since there is nothing in the OP that indicates gender…:shrug:

Peace
James


#14

Good point:D Don’t know how I assumed that.


#15

[quote="Desperate, post:1, topic:234585"]
I need help in my marriage we have a total break down in communication. My spouse wants out. I am at fault mostly. I have lied severl times and there is no more trust
Help!

[/quote]

Did your spouse discover you lied before you admitted it? Have you been contrite before and then gone and lied again and were caught again? And again? It is very hard to have full communication when one partner is repeatedly dishonest. When trust is broken, it isn't immediately repaired. It takes time and counseling to repair any damage. Is your spouse willing to go to a counselor?


#16

Hello, I think this is your fault, as you said you keep on lying? if you really want her back you should not lie in the first place, your first lie is acceptable but 3 or more it will be very difficult, good luck and god bless!


closed #17

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